broken...

Today... I am broken.  Today tears fall, and sadness surrounds and drowns any and all happiness I have ever known.  Today grief has found me, and darkness threatens to blind me from HIS light.  I was saddened when I awoke this morning to complete and total sadness, and even though I knew in HIM there is HOPE, I felt so incredibly helpless.  In pure desperation I tried seeking HIM, and even in journaling, and praying, I just couldn't feel HIS presence.

Thankfully, HE knew what I needed, and was waiting..... in  HIS timing and HIS provision to let me feel HIS presence.  I spent the early morning shopping at Target to redo my son's room, as most of his bedding, and things were taken during the investigation.  Feeling incredibly broken, confused, lost, and not sure how to proceed, I prayed.  Thankfully HE heard my prayers, and answered them.  With just under one hour HE blessed me with everything I had envisioned for my son's room. 

Feeling broken.... I crawled back into my bed, and hugged his little stuffed tweety tightly to my chest. All the while breathing in the sweet scent of my precious son.  Tears fell freely from my eyes as I clung desperately to tweety, and begged HIM to flood me with HIS peace.  I tried desperately to sleep, but to no avail.  I gave up, and felt a sudden urge to journal, and read, read a book that I was gifted just ten short months ago.

When my sister in-law and my three nieces rang in the new year with us this past January she gifted me with a book.  She explained to me that she while she was out shopping, she felt a prompting from HIS HOLY SPIRIT to purchase this book for me.  It was "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. If you are unfamiliar with this book, it is the story of a family who lost their sweet little five year old daughter named Maria.  Her book is about their journey of grief, and the beauty that rose from the ashes of their greatest tragedy.  It is a story about their journey of HOPE that HE has taken them on, and how through HIS unending grace they were able to survive.  I had already read this book, but was so touched that she bought it for me, as I was always so inspired by their story.  Never would I have imagined that I would be experiencing that same journey with HIM just ten short months later.

For the next two hours, feeling broken I poured my heart out to HIM, as I read her words.  I underlined so many sentences that gave words to what I was feeling.  Making side notes of our story, and seeing HIM there right in the midst of my brokenness.  I turned on my Spotify app on my phone, and listened to the praise music from our church.  I desperately needed to know HE was with me.  I needed to know that I wasn't going to drown in this sea of sorrow I was in.  I needed to know that I was as broken as HE intended, as I felt HIM wrap HIS loving arms around me, and bring me to HIS chest so I could cry out in anguish from my soul being ripped from me.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM meeting me in the midst of my brokenness.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows the utter sadness and sorrow and longing that I feel each time another one of HIS blessings is bestowed upon us.  HE knows how my heart plunges to my feet as another loving, supportive, family member or friend shows up to be HIS hands and feet.  HE knows how much my longing to see and hold my son makes me tremble with fear, as the future without him seems so bleak.  HE knows, HE's there, HE cares for me, that is why HE made sure that I would know, and see that HE truly is in the details of this journey of grief.  HE made sure that I would know that HE planned on my needing HIM through my journey of grieving, waiting, and trusting HIM that HIS timing and provision are perfect for my life.  HE knew, HE knows, HE loves, HE cares.  I am overwhelmed.....

As each hours passes in the days without my son, my heart breaks, and mourns for my other four children.  With Halloween just around the corner, my five year old is planning on being Batman.  The sorrow finds me, and I am broken.  The reality of my life has become, though I am in mourning, I am still supposed to be living.  HIS JOY is there for me to claim.  Though one of us in no longer living on this side of HEAVEN, there are still six of us remaining.  HE never intended for us to STOP time, and stay in the moment.  Sadly, the reality is life, time, is moving forward, with or without me.  The more we move his things upstairs to his now, memorial room.... no longer his room, where he will play and laugh, and be silly with each of us.  Now all we are left with is memories. 

In my brokenness HE met me this morning, and blessed me with the best memory of a long goodbye to my precious earthly son.  HE took me back to those precious moments D and I were able to spend with him, and how we held hands over his tiny little chest that was no longer moving.  Placing a gentle kiss on his forehead, I spoke, "The LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away, BLESSED be the NAME OF THE LORD."  I now know that is because that was the moment that D and I knew we were standing in the doorway of HEAVEN.  We felt that, but didn't know how to express that.  So I was deeply comforted as I read Mary Beth Chapman's words today, "Somehow in the unthinkable moment it became clear to Steven and me that we were standing at the very door of HEAVEN, placing our little girl carefully in the arms of JESUS, desperately trusting that she would be safe there until we could come and join her."  

In those last moments with our precious son, laying there lifeless, I kissed his little head, held his little hands, and rubbed his little feet.  Seeing his little diaper, remembering, the memories I am so incredibly thankful for our long goodbye.  Through my tears of this memory, I am learning that I am on a long journey of grieving and waiting, and trusting in HIS timing and provision where I too will be called home.  

Today though I am broken HE is filling my heart, and mind with memories to last a lifetime, even in as short of an earthly time span of less than two years.  HE is flooding me with HIS peace, and drenching me in HIS grace so that I am able to even write today's blog.  In my brokenness HE is giving me the strength to put to words all of my memories and my feelings of brokenness. 

"I consciously gave her back to the one who had allowed us to have her in the first place."  Mary Beth Chapman "Choosing to SEE"

In my brokenness I am waiting.... waiting to wake up from this bad dream, only to realize that it isn't a dream.... it's my reality.....  

"It was like a bad movie with no end"  Mary Beth Chapman "Choosing to SEE"

Today D is redoing his bedroom to bring life back to it, and erase the horrific memories of his earthly death.  Today HE is giving us the strength, and blessing us with the resources to bring our son's room back to life, to honor his life, to bring all PRAISE,  HONOR, and GLORY to HIS name.  Today HE blessed us with all things blue, as it was our son's favorite color.   So peaceful and so serene just as HIS great love for me, HE meets me in my brokenness to hold me, to love me to care for me, and to lead me back to my feet with HIS amazing grace.  

Today in my brokenness HE is meeting me right where I am so that I can look up and face today, with HIS strength and through HIS power to say, and sing PRAISES to HIM, that today it is well with my soul.  Even in my tears, HE is there, holding me, catching every tear, that is how I know that even in the midst of my trembling it is well with my soul.  HE is there, to hold me  as I cry in anguish my grief and loss of the realization that no longer will I be able to make memories with my son.  HE is there with me as the realization of our families future without him is unbearable.  HE is there.... holding me.... helping me..... drenching me in HIS grace, and flooding me with HIS peace.  This is how I know that it is well with my soul.

"Grieving the reality that our earthly hopes and dreams for one of our children had suddenly and tragically come to an end and that the future of our family had been forever changed."  Mary Beth Chapman "Choosing to SEE"

Today in my brokenness HE is there, and HE is FAITHFUL.  Today through my tears I will lay my life down for HIM, and give it all away to HIM.  Today I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have been chosen to be my son's Mama.  Today I am so incredibly blessed to know that even in my brokenness I am still blessed to be living this life.  I am confident that HE truly is doing a good work in  me and through me, to make HIS KINGDOM of HEAVEN known here on Earth.

Last night I was blessed by one of my soul sister's with a journal, already started for me, filled with HIS word, and today I am clinging to HIS word, and am so thankful that HE made sure that I would receive HIS promise, even when I was too broken to seek HIM for myself.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." Psalm 59:16

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24

" Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:5

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"You who are my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me." Jeremiah 8:18

"And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings,so also you share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:7

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,for you are with me; your rod and your staff,they comfort me" Psalm 23:4

"My soul is weary with sorrow;  strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." Psalm 31:7

Today I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to know that though I may feel helpless, through my FAITH in HIM, I know that I am NOT hopeless, as I know that HIS love is relentless, and HIS grace is amazing as HE has been pursuing me relentlessly my entire life.  
" We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS~ I pray that if you don't know HIM already, you will seek HIM, and receive HIS gift of eternal life that has been written specifically for you.  I pray that if you have already received HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR, that you will have the courage to seek HIM further, and see what HE is doing in HIS KINGDOM in your life.  I pray today that your heart will be softened, and open up to what HE is doing in you and through you, as well as around you.  I pray today that you will choose to see as HE has always intended for you to see.  I pray today that if you too are broken you will feel HIS presence, and know that HE is holding you, and will comfort  you as HE drenches you in HIS grace, and floods you with HIS peace.

Much love, prayers, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS, 

~ Heather