time

" a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3:4

Time and I are no longer friends.  Time makes me sad.  Time is something I wish so badly with all my heart could stop.  If I could, I would stop time on the happiest day of my life, which was Sunday October 12, 2014.  

Never in my life have I known such sorrow.  Never have I hurt so badly, from a pain so deep, that there are no words to describe it.  Night time is the worst for me.  Its where I relive, over and over what happened during the worst time of my life.  Night time is where sleep evades me, and darkness closes in.  Night time is where tears flow like streams flooding me with sorrow.   Time and I are no longer friends.

Day time is a distraction, but just as quickly as I become distracted, I am painfully reminded of the precious little life that I no longer get to witness.  Day time is the painful reminder of all the cuddles, hugs, kisses, songs, toys, and food that was shared with my precious son.  Day time tricks me into "thinking" its going to be okay, but then sadness and sorrow finds me, as I know all too well that night time is lurking.  Time and I are no longer friends.

When I became a Mama to my precious son, he was the first of my five where I didn't dread him growing up.  I had embraced this sweet little boy, and loved every single moment I got to see him do something new, and hear his sweet little laugh, and voice.  For the past week however, if I could go back, I would stop time.  I would pray to GOD that HE would let him live, and that I would do everything I could to ensure that the same amazing outcomes of miracles and healing that has been poured over us and into us would still happen.

Then time keeps moving, and in the stillness HE speaks to me, "Don't you know how much I love you?  I know how badly you hurt, I am holding you and I feel you shaking as you cry.  I know the sorrow that you feel, and how deep your anguish runs.  I love you, and because I love you I have made sure that you were ready for this.   No amount of time that I would have given you would have been enough.  However, because I know the plans I have for you, I am asking you to trust ME.  I am holding you always, and I love you, seek me, fall into my arms and feel MY love for you."

HIS words soothe my aching heart, and for a moment I see time as HE has always intended for it to be in my life.  HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM showing me that it is the enemy who is telling me that time and I are no longer friends.  However, HE is wanting me to know that in order for me to fulfill my purpose, written on purpose for HIS purpose, I must understand that HIS timing and provision are perfect.  Once again HE is reminding me of WHY HE is Sovereign and I am NOT.  Once again HE has captured my heart, and is filling me with HIS love, so that as time moves forward, I can breathe.

As I read today's devotional it took my breath away.  "The greatest gift anyone has is the present moment"  Joyce Meyer, "Power Thoughts Devotional October 21st

HE is reminding me that in order to fulfill my purpose, I must choose to press in,  press forward, and press through so that HIS WILL, will be done in my life.  The above scripture is so fitting, as it describes my life perfectly these days.  

There seems to always been a time of day where I weep the most.  There is a time of day where I find something quirky my son did, either that I have found, or a memory that blesses me.  Those moments of time reminds me that laughter is still possible.  Those moments are where the deep sorrow finds me, and I go back to, time and I are no longer friends.

The time where I find something of his, I cry out to HIM to please take away my pain.  Please let me see HIM in everything that is happening in my life.  These are the times where I can't do anything but let tears fall, and let HIM capture me in HIS embrace.  This is when though I feel as if though time and I are no longer friends, HE gently reminds me that my timing, is NOT HIS timing.

When I think about my son, I remember the happiness, and JOY that he brought to our lives.  There was never a moment, even in frustration with him where I didn't laugh.  There was never a time where I wasn't completely enamored by whatever he was doing.  There was never a time where it didn't make my heart soar to see my son dance.

Yesterday marked the date and time where our lives were forever changed.  I had fallen asleep on our couch, and woke up and saw that it was 3:15 p.m.  I quickly raced upstairs into my bathroom, frantically began to wash my face, brush my teeth, and took out my makeup bag.  I stood there in front of the mirror with tears streaming down my face, wanting so badly to go back in time.  I began to replay the days events, and thought, if only....... Over and over I washed my face, and brushed my hair.  Tears fell like rain, and flooded me with tremendous sorrow.  Time had brought me back into the most horrific tragic day of my life, time and I were no longer friends.

My daughter saw me run up the stairs, and found me sobbing in the bathroom.  She hugged me, and we cried together.  It was the first time since Monday, October 13, 2014 at 4 p.m. that she and I were able to talk about what happened.  The reason being was because in our hearts, and minds, time had stopped.  Thankfully because HE loves us so much, and wants us to keep pressing in and pressing through HE blessed our conversation, and caught our tears with HIS truth of what happened to our precious little baby love on that fateful day.

With tears streaming down our faces, we relived, over and over what happened.  When my heart could take anymore of the mere thought of anymore time without him, my daughter remember what his last words were.  My son's last words spoken were, "my Mama."  She said she told him I would see him after his nap, and that his Mama loves him.  

There are no words to describe the love I feel from my HEAVENLY FATHER for HIS gift to me, in knowing that my sweet precious little boys last words spoken on this side of HEAVEN were his love for me.  I will cherish those words for the rest of my life, here on Earth until the day comes, as time marches on that I will see him once again, and scoop him up in my arms and my son and HIM will welcome me home.

HE is wanting me to know that in order for me to finish the race that I have started with HIM, I have to understand that it is important for time to march on.  HE is telling me that if time were to stop HE wouldn't be able to use me as HIS living vessel to reach the masses, just as HE has always intended with this blog.  This morning I am being filled by HIS immeasurable LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, and PEACE, in knowing that HE truly is Sovereign, and that everyday is truly HIS gift to me.  Today HE is reminding me of the words I spoke at my son's celebration of life service:  "And so it is my sweet baby love, that I will wait.... with JOY, HOPE, and LOVE."

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~

Through my sorrow and my tears, I pray for each and everyone of us, that we will come to know HIM and see HIM in everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen in each of our lives.  I pray that we will all have the courage to cling to HIS promises that HE will NEVER leave us nor forsake us.  I  pray that we will be filled with HIS hope which is the anchor that holds us steadfast and secure.  Praying for broken hearts to be mended, and all hurts and pains healed.  

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

All my love and prayers for each and every life that is blessed by HIS Daily Teachings,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather