Cornerstone

From the moment that D and I learned that our precious little son was no longer with us, I praised HIM.  On the drive home that night, D and I were holding hands.  I was at a loss for words as to how we were to tell our other children that their little brother was no longer with us.  Through my tears HE spoke to me, and I couldn't help but sing praises to HIM.  

"My hope is built on nothing less, than JESUS blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in JESUS name.  CHRIST alone, CORNERSTONE, weak made strong, in the SAVIORS love.  Through the storm HE is LORD, LORD of all."  Hillsong "Cornerstone"

Two years ago at our previous church home, is where I first heard this song.  Not even imaging what that would mean for my life.  So much in fact, that until almost two years ago, I "thought" all I had to do was say I believed in GOD, and that I was saved.  NEVER had I ever imagined having to live without someones smile, who brightened even my darkest of days. 

Yesterday was one of the toughest yet, as almost all of our family went home.  It was apparent that HE had sent them to be HIS strength for our family during our time of need.  However, HE never intended for me to just lean on my family the entire time, HE wants me to lean on HIM.  HE is calling me to not only lean on HIM, but to press in, and press through with HIS word, and HIS love for me.  HE wants me to run into HIS arms, and fall into HIS love, and let HIS love lead me through what is the most tragic time of my life.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is reminding me once again that HE is my Cornerstone.  This means that HE is my foundation.  HE is the solid foundation that is holding our family together.  Long ago early in our walk with HIM, HE worked on D and my heart to teach us to lean into HIM for strength, and NOT try and pull that strength out of each other.  HE taught us that the more we drew near to HIM, the closer we would become in our marriage.  

HE is telling me that it is of the utmost importance that I let go of  "trying" to navigate through this tragic loss of our son, and let HIM lead us.  HE is wanting me to know that HIS purpose for my life was NOT to leave me stranded in this sea of sorrow, but rather to plant me firmly in HIS grasp, and to build me strong to stand in HIS love, so that I will be able to choose to love when the world is watching and waiting for me to hate.  

D and I decided from that very first moment that we knew our son was no longer with us, that we would NOT hate GOD.  I am thankful that as I am looking back to the past few months, I can see HIM building each of us strong in our relationships.  I am thankful that HE heard my cries for family restoration, and has been overflowing us with HIS blessings.

As I read today's devotional, it took my breath away, as even as I walk this painful journey, HE is still working in me, and through me, so that I will become WHO HE has always intended for me to be.  

"Love Your Life" ~ When I read those words, I asked HIM, "how do I love a life that doesn't include my sweet little boy?"  It was then that HE took me back to remind me, that even in deep sorrow I can still choose to love, and love life.  HE is telling me that the JOY that I am so desperately needing is still there, and is waiting to be claimed by me. 

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

There was a moment yesterday where I felt guilty for smiling, and laughing, as if though I weren't still mourning my son.  HE is letting me know that HE knew how much I needed a rest from all the crying from my deep sorrow, that HE made sure that I would be caught up in HIS love, and HIS grace.  

Last night was the first night since all of this happened that I didn't cry myself to sleep, but rather smiled as I was blessed enough to be my son's Mama.  Through the night I slept, without waking up once.  When I woke up at 5:38 a.m. this morning I thanked HIM and I praised HIM for peaceful and restful sleep.  

I am comforted to know that HE loves me so much that HE knows what my needs are long before I even have the courage to speak what my needs are.  This morning my need is this, our home, our once happy, love life, laughter filled, JOY filled, silly home, is under attack.  Satan is "trying" to lead us in anger, bitterness, and hatred towards one another.  This is not D and I, but rather our children.  D and I are struggling to help our other four children cope, when we ourselves are at a loss for words sometimes, and are seeking HIM to navigate us through this season of loss we are in.  

This morning HE is telling me that HE wants me to know that in my doubts, HE is there, HE is SOVEREIGN, and HE has this already worked out.  IN CHRIST and CHRIST alone is the only way we are going to survive this tragic loss.  Today I am clinging to HIS words, and meditating on HIS words, so that I will be strong when the next wave of sorrow hits our home, so that fear will be cast out, and NOT sweep us out to sea. 

Something that I am learning about this journey of grief, and sorrow is that it comes in waves.  I will be crying for what seems like forever, and before I know it, a wave of PEACE will wash over me.  A smile, a memory, a picture, a song, something will remind me of my sweet baby love, and will draw me right back to my Cornerstone which is HIS love for me, that keeps me firmly planted, and rooted deep in HIM so that when the waves come crashing in I won't fall.

"So this is what the Sovereign Lord says:  “See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone,    a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who relies on it will never be stricken with panic.  I will make justice the measuring line  and righteousness the plumb line; hail will sweep away your refuge, the lie,  and water will overflow your hiding place." Isaiah 28:16-17

Before any of this happened to our family, I used to say, "I could never go through something like that, I couldn't breathe without my children."  However, today I know that is not true, as I am learning through my FAITH in HIM, as HE has been preparing me for this deep sorrow that I feel for quite some time now.  I am thankful that HE began a good work in me to prepare me to see HIS goodness, and to be wrapped up in HIS love, even though the world is expecting me to be angry, and to question HIM, and to hate HIM.  

Today I am incredibly thankful and blessed to know that I am living out HIS words in my life, that D is living out HIS words for his life.  I am so incredibly thankful that HE loves us all so much that in our time of need HE sent people to help us, to love us, to pray for us, to care for us.  I am thankful that HE is my Cornerstone WHO has been my strength in my weakness, and has built me to withstand the many waves of this deep sea of sorrow that Satan is "trying" so desperately to drown me in.  Today I am so incredibly blessed and thankful to know that HOPE is truly the anchor that holds me steadfast and secure.  That HOPE being my FAITH in HIM, as HE has been, is, and will continue to be teaching, leading, and guiding me through the storm.  I am so thankful that I know understand what CHRIST ALONE CORNERSTONE means for my life, and my families life.  

" This hope is like a firm and steady anchor for our souls. In fact, hope reaches behind the curtain and into the most holy place."  Hebrews 6:19 CEV

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I am comforted to know that HE is truly SOVEREIGN, and that HE will and has revealed to me HIS goodness.  Today I am seeking HIM, and what HIS KINGDOM is doing right here and now in my life, and my families life.  Today I am choosing to Love My Life, today I am choosing HIS JOY, in the midst of the sorrow, as I know that when my feet fail me, HE is there, HE is holding me, and when HIS peace comes, I will be able to stand once again, and continue to live my life for HIS purpose.  

My Dear Brothers and Sister in CHRIST JESUS~  I pray today that you will know that the pain that you are feeling, HE knows it, and HE wants you to know HE is holding you.  I pray that when you go throughout your day today, if you see someone being difficult, or someone who says something unkind, that you will seek HIS grace for them.  If I have learned anything through this tragic loss is, you never know what someone has been through, or is going through.  GOD calls us to love HIM,  and to love people.  I pray today you will have the courage to let go of you anger, bitterness, and hatred towards the people who have hurt you.  I pray today you will surrender those hurts to HIM, and allow HIM to transform your heart soul, and mind. 

much love, prayers, blessings, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather