" Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God"
Colossians 3:1-3
The more I seek HIM, the more I find HIM, the more I can't wait till the next search and discovery that HE leads me through. I love whenever I SEE my life fall between the scriptures that HE places on my heart. Whenever I feel HIM cultivating the already deep roots that HE planted all those years ago. I also smile whenever I realize that I've reached the next level of understanding, as I know that is HIM delighting in me, and my TRUST in HIM and for HIM is strengthened.
I am so grateful to have this heavenly perspective as I can still remember a time not so long ago where I seriously doubted whether or not HE truly was for me. I felt so lost, afraid, abandoned and confused. The betrayal was piercing to my soul, and I cried until I was certain I was emptied of tears, only to reach the next deep well of endless tears. I was tired, worn out, cried out, and my faith was dwindling.
Two months ago I worried that those feelings were creeping back in, only I didn't have the same fears, or believe the same lies, I was just eerily calm, and quiet. More than that, HE was quiet, or so I thought. What I now realize it that I was filled with a supernatural peace from HIM, that HE was pouring over me to prepare me for this next season, which I am now in. A season of writing, speaking, and sharing all of the search and discovery moments I am having with HIM through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.
I know I have reached a new level of learning and understanding that could only happen because I started out with a very basic knowledge of WHO HE is. What began as a simple request, "JESUS I want to know you, I want to understand what I don't know, and I NEED YOU." HE met me right there, in the beginning. The beginning of my breakthrough on May 25, 2013, I still remember that morning. An early 5am rise, journal, pen, and bible in my hands I made my way to our living room. I remember the soft glow of the lamp, as I put pen to paper and penned those exact words. I will NEVER forget when I first heard HIS voice. I will NEVER forget how it felt to begin to know that HE was meeting me right where I was.
Through search and discovery, HE began to teach, lead, and guide me by first giving me the layout of what HIS DAILY TEACHINGS would consist of. That I didn't need to worry how, that HE knew exactly what I was needing, and HE was faithful to always provide. Those early days, I now can look back, and SEE were preparation for my days to come. Each morning, I would rise before the dawn, before anyone else was awake, and I would meet with HIM. I would ask questions, and I would begin to learn to read HIS word, soak in HIS word, and ruminate in HIS word.
Days that lead me through the first month, then second month, all the way to my first year. Not skipping a single day I journaled, prayed, read, and met with JESUS for almost 18 months before the worst day of my life happened. Even after that day, I still met with HIM, I still journaled, prayed, only now I cried to the end of my soul, I didn't understand the plan, and I struggled to keep my head up.
Two years later I found myself face down in a pit of despair. I had hope for heaven, but zero hope for living. I had been suffering the loss of my son for two years, and I couldn't even be a person, let alone a warrior for CHRIST, a wife or a mother. I was broken, confused, my soul was so downcast, and I couldn't function. I cried daily, all day, and when I wasn't crying, I was stuffing. To numb the pain, to try and fill the void of the profound absence of my son's life. The silence was deafening as our family had been irrevocably changed.
I found myself trying so desperately to do what I once did, I tried to write, to pray, to read HIS word, and I found myself unable to even open my bible. My tears were wordless prayers, as I knew HE was with me, and was catching ALL of my tears. As there was a time for almost a year that every time I would go into my room I would cry and say, "JESUS I hurt," and HE would respond, "I know I AM with you." I would cry tears of agony for my Sethie, my baby, my Sethie, please JESUS, please come back, please help me, pleaaaassssssse."
Just writing about that time in my life, causses tears to well up in my eyes. One because it was so deeply painful, lonely, and isolating. Two because now I can look back and SEE HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me to remain no matter what. Three because I can now SEE that from the beginning of the first day where I met with HIM at 5am, I can now SEE HE was preparing me for this very moment where I am now in my life.
If ever I begin to question whether or not HE is truly for me, all I need to do is look back over the past 13 years where I have intentionally met with HIM, even when I was angry with HIM. Even when I told HIM I hated HIM for what HE allowed to happen. Through ALL of my anger, bitterness, jealously, and envy HE held me, helped me, and poured HIS peace over me, and ensured that I experienced HIS grace that is truly sufficient enough for me. Through it all, no matter what HE has filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HIS MERCIES were indeed made new for me each morning.
I am learning that HIS plan, HIS purpose is only found, through a deeply personal invitation for me to know HIM, for HIM to reveal just how much HE knows me. I am truly living proof that the life I was created for, to live is hidden within HIM. I am learning the true value of meeting HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE as that is where the life, the healing, the restoration that I am NEED of is truly hidden in HIM. I am experiencing HIS delight in me and for me, as each morning I embark on another adventure of search and discovery with HIM.
I am continuing to learn that is imperative that I continue to seek HIM, to keep my eyes fixed on HIM, to look up, to keep my ears open to hear ONLY HIS voice. To NOT be distracted by all the circumstances of my life, and the ways of this world. I am learning WHY I must remain alert, and BE of sober mind, taking each and every thought captive as to not get tripped up by my enemy. This I have learned in the hardest of ways, as the enemy is always at my heels. Trying to trip me up through relationships with my loved ones. As the hardest strongholds I have had to learn to release, and fight through has been people pleasing.
For me this was in the way I managed my grief and my suffering, so as to NOT offend or make others feel uncomfortable. This I have just learned of these past few weeks, and just yesterday HE let me know that often times I do things because of condemnation and mistake it for conviction. Yikes! That made me cringe, as I don't want to do anything, or focus on anything that HE doesn't want for me or hasn't called me to do. In trying to do what I thought I should be doing, HE is setting me free from the unrealistic expectations placed on me by others, and even more so by myself.
What I've learned and continue to find in my search and discovery is that HE isn't mad at me, or disappointed in me. HE loves me, tenderly, gently, and endlessly. HE delights in knowing that I am seeking HIM, to know, to SEE, to understand, to TRUST HIM even more. HE loves when I surrender to whatever I don't know, and TRUST HIM to reveal to me whatever it is that I NEED to know. HE loves when I choose to TRUST that if HIS timing isn't for me to know or understand, that I still choose to TRUST HIM. Even when.... Even if..... Even though....
Precious Dear Ones,
Oh, my Dear Brothers and Sisters, HE knows. HE knows what is hurting you. HE knows why you're struggling to repent, to surrender, and to forgive. HE knows and HE loves you. HE has a plan for all of it; HE'S just waiting for you to choose to TRUST HIM. HE wants to meet you right where you are to hold you, to help you, to free you, to restore you, to redeem you. HIS plans for your life are so devastatingly good because even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain HE is still so very good. If today should find you barely hanging on, feeling lost, alone, or angry, HE knows, and HE'S there and wants to help you. May today be the day where you reach out to grab HIS garment, for HIS healing, HIS power, HIS peace, HIS strength to wash over you. May you come to know HIM as I know HIM, may you have the courage to reach out, to pray, to cry out, to just say, "JESUS I believe in you, please come into my life, and be my LORD and SAVIOR, I NEED YOU. May today be the beginning of your breakthrough, and may you begin your journey of search and discovery where you too find your life hidden with CHRIST JESUS.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With love, grace, compassion, empathy, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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