I remember attending a women's prayer retreat through my church just mere months after having lost Seth. I remember the theme of the retreat was "Because HE bends down to listen." Psalm 116:1-2 During the retreat I was introduced to a lot of women who didn't know me, and I was made known for the devastating loss of my almost 2-year-old son. With each introduction the look of shock and horror overcoming the woman who was thinking she was meeting a seemingly young girl. Unbeknownst to her, I was a 36-year-old married, then Mama to five precious children. I was so completely devastated and shattered by my family's deep loss, and was so irrevocably changed, and was just barely hanging on.
On day two of the retreat, I had reached my limit of meeting people and couldn't contain the tears any longer. I remember laying my head on the table where I was seated. Laying my head on my bible as the tears poured from my eyes. I had been brave enough to open up about how D and I were grieving so differently and how I felt like we were a million miles apart. To which the response was I wasn't being honoring to my marriage, as I was speaking ill of my husband. I came completely undone and cried right there to the end of my soul.
I remember thinking, wondering, questioning how things would ever be good again. A few short months later the next scheme and attack would strike my already so shattered heart, that would drive me to isolate and shut out the world. The pain was unbearable, and the expectation to just "give it to GOD, pray about it, and just hold onto HOPE was dwindling. I found myself just wondering how in the world I could possibly survive such immense heartbreak, how would I ever smile again, without the pain just beneath the surface quaking, and pouring out of me.
Over time I learned, how to hide my pain through the strong smile that I faked. People didn't know, and I didn't them want to, but then again, I did.... but then that meant they'd have to lose to, and well pick someone else, but please don't. For years I wrestled with how much nobody understood, all the while waiting, crying, praying, falling apart everywhere I went, until finally I learned how to breathe through the pain.
This morning was a reminder of the still tenderness that is just beneath the surface. While driving to a freedom session for a client in the ministry I serve in, the rain was flooding the roads, and I was praying for safety for each of our team members as well as our client. I was praying for strength to just BE HIS living vessel today. On the horizon I could see the part of the road where the cemetery is where Seth's earthly body is buried. Just as I was passing the very place where a part of me died on that day, I had to walk away leaving my little boy's earthly body.... I took a deep breath and in the next moment a firetruck drove past me. My eyes instantly welled up with tears, as I the memories of that day where our view of the Firetruck leading the funeral procession of our sweet Seth Daniel, our almost 2-year-old son, our Teffie, the Kid, the Creep, the Kid a Kid, so many names, such a BIG life for such a little man, Dayee's little dude, our one-of-a-kind observer. He was and is one of the brightest lights in our lives, just knowing him changed each of us, and left each of us grieving such a deep loss... remembering that day of having to say goodbye to my sweet baby love, clinging to the memory of him in my arms just hours before he went to be with JESUS.... tears began to pour from my eyes. A few deep breaths later, and prayers for peace to flood me, my tears lessened.
Soon the building where the session was to be came within view. I parked my car and I got out to run in the rain. Making it into the building, I thanked JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me, for me. Taking the elevator up to a higher floor I felt HIS loving reminder, of "nobody knows Dear Heart, like I DO. I know the oceans you have cried. I knew how long it would take for your broken heart to be mended. I knew when memories would make you smile and not just burst into tears. I knew when your healing would be felt, and even more SEEN, by you, and all those whom you encounter. I knew how hard it would be for you to let go, to understand that MY ways are higher than yours. I knew how angry you were with ME, and I knew the moment when you would SEE that I REVIVED you. I knew precious DEAR HEART, and I knew that you would write this very post about healing through grieving deep loss....and well DEAR HEART I knew in all those times you were crying out to me to just take away the pain.... I knew.... it just takes time."
As I type, I'm listening to a song on repeat called "Nobody knows" and how the lyrics "nobody knows how many times I almost gave up hope, nobody knows how much strength it takes to carry on, nobody knows how many versions of myself I had to lose to make it here, everybody says I'm strong, maybe they're right, maybe they're not, but everybody sees me standing here, everybody thinks I've got this, everybody sees me smile, nobody knows." I could have written this song. Today I went back into the some of the hardest moments of grief that irrevocably changed me. How I was certain that change would be the end of me. How HE remained so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, and how I can now look back, and SEE how sometimes it just takes time for healing, for being able to smile through tears, to learn to breathe again, walk again, and to want to live again.
Precious Dear Ones,
The TRUE CONFIDENCE I have is that I can tell you HE is indeed in the details. HE knows how hard you've fought to just get out of bed, to just keep going. HE knows how leveled your faith has been. HE knows how much doubt creeps in and how you fight with HIS TRUTH to combat the lies of doubt. HE knows the shame and guilt that builds up and makes you feel so unseen, unheard, unknown, and unloved HE knows and HE loves you. HE knows how tired you are to be losing the battles that have been so unfair to you. HE knows how hard you try to do the next right thing. HE knows how much you are hiding to just look okay. HE knows how close you have come to letting go, to disappearing with the pain of your broken heart. HE knows, and HE has a plan for all of it. HIS plans, oh Dear Ones, are so very deeply personal just.for.you. HE knows, HE is waiting for you to let HIM, to cling to HIS promises, to feel HIS loving presence encompass you. HE hears every single one of your cries for help, and HE'S waiting for you to let HIM in. HE is there, HE knows, and HE promises to help you, to heal you, to give you a Heavenly vision of HIS goodness full of HOPE and FUTURE. HE is there, in the waiting. May you SEE HIS mighty sovereign hand at work in your life, may you rest in HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that healing, new beginnings are coming. That HE is making a way, through the wasteland, with rivers of HIS living water flowing to you, for you to flow through you.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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