"prison without a key"

One of the joys of being a Mama is getting up in the middle of the night to soothe a crying child.  I don't mind getting up for my little one's as no one ever happily got up for me growing up, so I am thankful that I am the one who they want, and who can soothe them.

This morning at 4am while waiting for my son to fall back asleep I read my bible study, and as I read these words,  "In my childhood, I suffered abuse that made me feel the need to defend myself from emotional and physical attack.  Because of that conditioning, those feelings and responses remained for many years into my adulthood."  I found myself so thankful for being able to put to words what I didn't know how to describe or even understand why I feel or have felt the way I have for so long.

GOD has revealed to me this morning that my perception is my reality, in other words how I think things are, is how I see them.  Without even realizing it I have been in my own prison without a key for so long.  Even though GOD has been working through me, and in me for the past 10 years I was still in a prison.  A prison full of guilt, guilt for things that I have been forgiven of, however I have failed to forgive myself.

I know that because I had spent so many years living in anger and feeling attacked I have always been on guard.  There have been so many times in my life where I started out having a simple conversation with someone, and it has ended in me blowing up, and allowing my anger to control my thoughts and actions.

GOD has shown me that in choosing to allow my anger to control me that I have allowed Satan to have a foothold in my life.  GOD revealed HIS truth to me this morning, "I have a root of rejection in my life that manifests into anger." HE is showing me that it is ok to be angry.  However, I must  learn to manage my anger so it will not manage me.

"GOD has given us the emotion of anger to let us know when we are being mistreated"

 I often struggle with anger when I feel out of place.  One of the biggest struggles I have is hearing people.  So often I don't "hear" the whole of the conversation and I am stuck nodding my head and smiling, and trying desperately to read their lips.  I often beat myself up with the thoughts of maybe if I concentrated more on what someone was saying to me I could really hear them.  I often feel very embarrassed when I'm in a room full of people who all know what is going on, and I don't have a clue.  My insecurity's are displayed for everyone to see, and I get very angry and I being to feel as if though I will never fit in anywhere.

Just last night D and I were trying to have a conversation while driving to take our teens to youth group and D had already repeated himself several times, and he was growing very frustrated with me, and I in turn took it to heart, and started beating myself up.  Thoughts of, "see you don't belong anywhere, even your own husband is tired of repeating himself for you."  My heart began to sink, "why me LORD, why must I struggle so hard?" The the guilt of not knowing sign language sets in, and beating myself for not trying to better myself.  I know that this guilt may seem irrational to some, but to me it is real, however I am learning that GOD wants me to let go, and let HIM take care of me, and provide for my every need.

I know that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to forgiveness for myself.  I do not take sinning well, and pretty much confess right away, usually in tears, as I have "failed" once again to be who HE wants me to be.  I am learning the importance of understanding the difference of condemnation, and conviction.  I know that conviction is the work of the HOLY SPIRIT within me.  It is leading me to confess of my sins, and to seek forgiveness.  Condemnation only draws me deeper into my "prison" of guilt and keeps me trapped and keeps the devil in my life.  I know that because JESUS paid the ultimate price for my sins that I have nothing to feel guilty about, as that is why HE died for me.  I know all I have to do is seek forgiveness and it is given to me, my slate is wiped clean because of GOD's amazing grace.  I know that because I accepted JESUS into my heart as my LORD and SAVIOR that I am covered in HIS favor, and therefore Satan has no power over me.  I know that he is only in my life because I allow him to be.  Today I have received the freedom that has kept me in my own "prison" for so long.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1

I know that for the past 10 years GOD has been working on me one issue at a time.  I often find myself going through yet another level of what I "thought" I had already worked on, however HE quickly lets me know that HE's not done refining me in that area, and most of the time it has to do with guilt that I have been carrying around for so long.  HE has let me know that HE is the key to unlocking my prison and HE wants to free me from all the feelings of condemnation that I feel on a daily basis.  HE has let me know that HE is not the one who condemns me, as HE has already forgiven me, I just need to forgive myself.  HE also lets me know that when I have sinned HE expects for me to confess, seek forgiveness from HIM and to turn away from my sins.  HE has let me know that under NO circumstances is HE EVER going to let me just sin because I am angry, and be "ok" with it.  HE has let me know that HE is never going anywhere, HE will NEVER leave me, forsake me, and will always love me no matter what.  HE has shown me time and again that HE is the only one constant in my life.

"Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess  my transgressions to the Lord.”And you forgave the guilt of my sin." Psalm 32:5

I am thankful that GOD gave me a love for reading, as it is the way HE communicates to me is through the books HE places in my path.  In today's reading I came across this "Nothing changes because you read a book.  It's what you do with the knowledge you gain from reading the book that will lead to change."  In other words, HE  has equipped me with the knowledge of how HE wants me to live my life, however, I have the free will to do what I want with it.  I must choose to live my life the way HE has instructed for me, so that I don't find myself trapped in another "prison" without a key.  HE has promised to me that HE will always be the "key" to my freedom!

Today's Decision and Confession is this: I will NOT live as an angry person.  I will deal with anger in a GODLY way.

I pray today that if you are struggling with feelings of guilt that HE knows and is waiting for you to confess.  I pray that you will seek the key to releasing you from your own "prison" of guilt.  I pray today that you choose HIM to lead you on the path to freedom that HE has chosen for your life.  I pray for HIS favor and blessings to be poured over your life for your obedience.

Blessings,
Heather