The truth is, I was never loved unconditionally growing up. However I do know that GOD loves me unconditionally no matter what I say or do. HE knows my heart and knows I am go to mess up even before I do mess up. HE picks me up and leads me to "try again." I am so thankful that HIS mercies are new every morning.
The book I am currently reading is called "Living Beyond Your Feelings." In today's bible study, Joyce Meyer writes."My parents did not really love me, and they never will simply because they don't know how to. But GOD does love me and I do not have to spend my life mourning over something I can't do anything about. I will not waste my life trying to get something from my parents that they will never know how to give me. I was a victim, but I will not remain one. What happened to me was not my fault. I will be healthy emotionally and whole in my soul. GOD is helping me, and every day I am making progress."
Oh how I could have written that paragraph myself. Today I realized that I still carry around bitter angry feelings of not feeling cherished, loved unconditionally, and wanted by my parents growing up. The truth was, I was a mess. A broken mess from an alcoholic birth mother, who tried on several occasions to kill me. Who was involved with people whom she allowed to hurt me. Who emotionally, physically, and mentally abused me, and allowed other's to do so as well. I had an absentee Father who was an alcoholic, workaholic, and was never available to me. Not without conditions that is. I was four when my parents divorced and because I was already "broken" from my birth mother, I was a handful. My great-grandmother was trying to care for both my brother and myself, and we were just too much to bear. I was sent to live with my grandparents, and so began the next chapter of hell for my life. From the time that I was 4 until the Summer I turned 15 I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather, and emotionally abused by my grandmother. The truth was, I was a mess a broken awful mess. From years of abuse suffered by the people who were supposed to care for me. Broken from the conditions that were placed upon me for being worthy of their time and affection. I was a complete utter broken mess.
The truth is now that I am still a mess in some areas of my life, but GOD is refining me and renewing me daily. I know that when I seek HIM, HE will, and does reveal HIS truth for my life. HE lets me see who I really am, and just how much HE loves me unconditionally. I know that even in my darkest days, HE loves me always. I NEVER have to fear HIM leaving me, or putting conditions of being worthy to HIM. I know that when I was suffering through my years of hell, HE was right there with me, suffering inside as well.
If I were being honest about facing the truth about myself I would say this, "I avoid confrontation at all costs!" Growing up and trying to get people to "hear" my side of things always backfired, and I was blamed, therefore as an adult I simply push it deep down inside, and try and move on. What I am learning is this, GOD wants me to have total emotional freedom, and I won't be able to achieve that until I am able to "face the truth" of my past and all the emotions I have kept hidden.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
I know that the more I try to avoid confrontation the more I will lose my sleep. I know that I can not get a moments peace until I have closure. However the pain of my past that involves my parents isn't something that I quite understand how to get through. Each time I "think" I have forgiven them, I fall and fall hard. I feel like my heart is being ripped open again, and it's not fair to me or to them. I am praying for GOD to give me peace in my heart, and know that HE my heavenly Father loves me and knows me best. HE will NEVER forsake me.
I know that in order to achieve total emotional healing I, Heather must take responsibility for the changes that need to take place in me. I know that I won't be able to heal until I am able to quit blaming my "feelings" on other people. I know that blaming other people only creates more internal strife for me, therefore I must be willing to "face the truth," even when it's sometimes too difficult to bear.
GOD has let me know this morning that HE wants to heal me from this hurt, and pain, and all I have to do is ask HIM to help me and HE will. The truth is "facing the truth" hurts, but without it I won't have freedom in CHRIST and I won't be whole. I know that seeking GOD's word, and HIS truth, will give me the emotional stability I need and free me from the pain of my past.
I know that my past cannot control my future unless I allow it. So the truth is today I am the KINGS daughter, and I am being refined and renewed daily. I am walking with my SAVIOR every moment, and I am allowing HIM to teach me, build me, guide me, and lead me every step of my journey. I will no longer let guilt, fear, or worry be my companions. Rather I will have JESUS be my companion and let HIM heal me from my hurts and bring me further into my journey towards wholeness.
"The bible says the promises of GOD are realized through faith and patience."
"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36
Friends, today I pray that if you too are suffering from unbearable pains of your past just know that GOD loves you, and wants to heal you from that pain. I pray that today you will allow HIM to lead you to facing your truth. I pray for you to have the courage and confidence to face your past, and place your trust in HIM.
Blessings,
Heather
Heather
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