"rebellious"

When I became a mama for the 1st time I vowed I would NEVER raise my child the way I was raised.  NO matter what I wouldn't  let her endure what I had endured.  I was determined to do everything exactly the opposite of how I was raised.   I didn't just mean the way I loved her, but how I would deal with my emotions, and what I would expect of her.  However, reality set in about two and half years of motherhood, and I soon found myself saying some of the very same things to hear, that I vowed I would NEVER say.  Frustrated, and angry I was determined to NOT let history repeat itself.

This began many years of my being rebellious.  Rebellious against any and all reason.  Rebellious in determination to NOT let history repeat itself, not let my children feel as I felt.  To never abandon my children and for them to feel unloved.  I acted on every emotion that I felt when they were hurt, and I often ran myself ragged in trying to "protect" them.

In the Winter of 2005 someone did hurt them. In my quest to "protect" I didn't keep my eyes set on GOD's will for our lives, and I "took" over.  In taking over I had let Satan right through our front door.  My two daughters then ages 7 and 5 were traumatized in the worse way by another little girl.  When it all came to light of what was happening my heart sank, as I knew I had failed them.  I was determined NO ONE would EVER hurt them again..

My first order of business was to attack, anyone and everyone who got in my way.  Next I enrolled my oldest daughter in private school.  Determined that even though we couldn't afford it, that I would make it work.  NO MATTER WHAT!!!  A year and half later when we had no money, no savings, couldn't afford the next two months tuition, GOD captured my heart, and began the transformation for me to homeschool my two little girls.

I wish I could say that I was excited about homeschooling, but the truth was I was terrified, actually I was sad as I wanted so badly to be viewed as "normal."  I quickly learned that "normal" was NEVER going to be a part of my vocabulary.  Though our family and friends thought it was a terrible idea, D and I went with it and began homeschooling.

It took almost a full year for our girls to recover with us praying with them, and for them daily.  I took almost a year for me to even begin to like homeschooling.  During that first year I vowed that NEVER again would I allow Satan in our lives.  In doing so I based every decision on how I felt and not what was true.

This past year I taught 8th grade, 6th grade, and 2nd grade.  We started out the year in a wonderful co-op but my older children didn't like it, so we dropped out before the 2nd semester.  I found myself once again, doing it all and truthfully my heart wasn't into it.  However I wasn't willing to let them EVER be hurt again, and so I made all of my decisions based on my rebellious heart.

Though I knew that with GOD there is no need to worry, that HE has a plan for our lives, and I need to trust HIM.  Slowly GOD started placing people in my life to test HIS will for my life, and began asking me "why homeschool?"   Honestly, I couldn't answer that question, other than it was based on fear.  Fear of my children being hurt again, fear that a teacher wouldn't understand how magnificent they are, fear that they wouldn't be accepted by their peers, fear that I would look like a failure."  Fear was driving me to make irrational decisions on a daily basis when it came to my children.

In learning to trust in HIM, and HIS will for my life, and my children's lives, I have learned to let go.... and let GOD.  I have learned that with HIM all things are possible, and there is NO need to worry about anything.   I learned that prayer must be a part of my every day, so that I will continue on my journey towards wholeness.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

I learned that I must abandon my rebellious heart, and allow my heart to be tamed by HIM.  I learned that NO decision is right that is based on pure emotion.  I learned that I no longer need to be emotionally lead, that it is NEVER too late to do the "right" thing.

Today I am turning in the new student packet for my 7th grader, and registering my 3rd grader tomorrow.  I am registering my Freshman soon as well.  I am looking forward to having just my two little boys at home with me, and getting to put all of my focus and attention on them for the last year I will have my oldest son home.  I am no longer "feeling" like a failure, but rather I am feeling confident.  Confident that I am a good mama, that I have raised my girls up right, who fear the Lord, and who aren't afraid to go out and witness to the broken hearted.  Girls who are tenderhearted, and full of compassion for all people.  I am confident that by allowing GOD to transform and renew my heart, I have modeled that well for my children, and now they too can go out into this world and will do their part on bringing HIS Kingdom of Heaven here to earth.

For the past sixty-seven days GOD has been preparing my heart for this big decision to trust HIM, and not to base anymore decisions on my "feelings."  HE has prepared my heart to not be emotionally lead, but lead by HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  HE has grown my faith in HIM, and my trust in HIM by allowing me to go through the storms of my life.  Today I say with a grateful and thankful heart that I wouldn't be where I am without HIM.  I am thankful that HIS mercies are new every morning, and I am so thankful that I no longer have to hold on to my rebellious heart, but rather can a have loving and tamed heart.

I pray today that if you are struggling with a rebellious heart, that you will turn to the one who knows you and loves you best.  I pray that you will allow HIM to transform your rebellious heart, and let HIM tame your heart.  I pray today that you will know that with GOD all things are possible, all you have to do is learn to tell yourself NO and say YES to GOD!

Blessings,
Heather