"secrets"

During the years of my abuse it was stressed upon me daily that what was happening had to be our "secret."  I was told repeatedly that if I told people, they would not believe me, and that he would get into trouble.  After all I didn't want him to be in trouble, because who would love me then?  Certainly not my dad, or my mom.  They weren't even in my life, but only when I had "earned" the right to see them.  I went through all of grade school knowing that I couldn't trust anyone with my secret.  I learned to bury it so deep within, that nothing could reveal it.  I remember when I was in seventh grade and I had picked a huge fight  with my granny so I could live with my dad.  I remember DCFS coming to the school, and eventually being transferred to YSB and having to be in a sexual abuse teen survivors group.  My counselor and everyone thought that my behavior was from being abused by my birth-mother, and her "friends."  They thought I was acting out from that.  Little did they know I was harboring the biggest secret of my life.  A secret that almost robbed me of my future, and nearly destroyed every relationship I ever had.  I was trapped, trapped in a "living nightmare."  All I knew was this was my life, and there was NO way out of it.

I went on to keeping that secret until I turned twenty six.  It was then that GOD knew I was strong enough to endure the battle I was about to face.  Just as I was told repeatedly throughout the years of abuse, people (my family) didn't believe me.  Not until someone else came forward on my behalf and confirmed that what I was saying was true.  I am so thankful for that person today as without them I wouldn't have been able to receive the freedom I did in revealing my secret, and allowing GOD to use it for HIS glory.

I know that GOD doesn't want me to ever try and "hide" anything from HIM.  HE wants me to face whatever I am dealing with, or has been done to me by placing my trust in HIM.  Trust has been a huge issue for me, because whenever I was growing up, everyone I thought I could trust always let me down.  They placed judgement and criticism on me.  I was commonly known as "Satan's Spawn" in my family.  I was the "black sheep, trouble maker, liar, etc."  I was labeled, abused, forgotten, and burdened by the people who were supposed to love and protect me.

It has been through HIS love, grace, & guidance that I have come to know that I don't have to be ashamed of my "secrets."  That through HIM I can be the woman HE has called me to be.  Through HIM I have learned the importance of grace, and humility, and forgiveness.  I have learned to love people through their faults, and not judge them.  I have learned that through my testimony HE will set free other people who are burdened with their "secrets."  GOD has shown me that by letting go, and letting HIM, HE has freed me from the bondage of worry and fear.  The years of being told I would be in trouble, were washed away by HIS touch.  That one touch that saved my life.  I know that had I not opened the door to Jesus and received HIS touch that I wouldn't be here today. I know that my "secrets," had caused so much internal strife, and that I was emotionally, mentally, and physically ill.  I had allowed my vision to become distorted, and began to obsess over how my life would end.  I knew that I wanted it to end on my terms.  I knew that because of the years that I was controlled by lies, and manipulations, and keeping other people's "secrets," that I was being destroyed.  I knew that I couldn't imagine living one more single second.

When I finally opened the door to HIM and was saved, I was finally free, and began my journey towards wholeness.  GOD revealed this thought to me just the other day.  When I was in therapy I had a wonderful Christian woman who was I believe one of GOD's angel sent to "help" me.  Until the other day I had forgotten that the name of the counseling place was called, "Journey Towards Wholeness."  How awesome it is to me that GOD used this book to remind me of the greatest part of my journey with HIM.

Through the past ten years I have learned that I must never try to "hide" anything from HIM, and that I must reveal all of my "secrets" to HIM, so that HE can relieve me from my burdens.

" Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

"Having an intimate relationship with GOD means that you can and should talk to HIM openly, and honestly about anything and everything." 

I know that the more I talk to GOD and let HIM lead me, the better off I am.  I know that without HIM I am nothing, and I can't get through anything.  I know that HE is my strength, and that HE knows the plans HE has for my life.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I know that GOD wants me to stop "hiding" from HIM and reveal my secrets to HIM as HE has proven to me time and again that I can trust HIM.  Just as I can trust GOD, HE is asking me to be the same for others. GOD wants me to have a heart for people.  HE wants me to be able to keep other's confidences and lift them in love and encouragement, and not pressure them with criticism and judgement.

"The purpose for bringing things out into the open is for restoration, not for criticism and judging."

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:1-2

I know that I must always remember that just as I reveal my "secrets" to GOD, HE loves me, therefore when someone shares their "secrets" with me I must love them and treat them the way I would want to be treated. 

Today I will continue on my journey towards wholeness and full emotional stability. 

I pray today that if you are burden by "secrets" from your past that you will look to HIM and reveal them to HIM.  He already knows and wants to relieve you from your burdens. I pray that today is the day you choose freedom from bondage of your "secrets." I pray today that you will seek HIM so that you will be able to live GOD's best for your life.

Blessings,
Heather