I remember a time in my life where all I felt was worthless. I felt as if though nothing mattered in my life, and I didn't matter to anyone. I often wondered that if I were to die would anyone even miss me? Before long my thoughts were so morbid and sad, that I would just sit and cry. Soon I would feel as if though no one truly cared for me. I know that by allowing my thoughts to be so morbid and sad, that I missed out on so many blessings in my life. I know that by allowing myself to stay trapped in sadness, I missed out on the joy that there was to be found.
A Little over 3 years ago was one of the toughest most darkest storms of my life. I was strong in my faith, and was allowing myself to be taught how to pray by allowing HIS HOLY SPIRIT to speak through me. I had gotten control of my health, and had lost almost 35 pounds. I was "on fire" for the LORD and was ready to be used, and ready to have HIM lead me. Then one day when I went to get my daily run in, I noticed that I was short of breath within the first two minutes of my run. I was dizzy, and felt as if though I was going to be sick. I quickly thought about what I had done different that morning, and the night before, and I couldn't see a break in my routine. I remember saying something to D and he said, "oh your not pregnant are you?" I remember laughing and saying, "Oh come on you can't be serious of course I'm not." Two days later the thought came to my mind, "am I pregnant?"
Sure enough two pregnancies tests confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. This was my 6th pregnancy and would be my 5th child. I immediately called the doctor to make my first prenatal appointment and began to pray for my pregnancy. For the first time in my life, I prayed for the little life inside of me right away. I remember asking GOD what this little ones personality would be like? How he or she would fit into our family? I praised HIM and thanked HIM, that even though it wasn't even on my radar to have another baby, I was thankful that HE chose me to be Mama to another one of HIS children.
Within two weeks I went to the doctor, and I will never forget having my first sonogram and see that little heart beating, and being told, "Congratulations Heather, you are indeed pregnant." I left my doctors office feeling so happy that day. The excitement was overwhelming, and D and I couldn't wait to share our happy news with our family and friends. I remember sitting in church on that Sunday morning and feeling as if though something were wrong. I soon discovered that I was bleeding, not heavy, but I was bleeding. With this being my 6th pregnancy I had only bled in one other pregnancy and that was my first miscarriage. My thoughts began to be depressing, and I remember praying so heavily for the little life inside of me.
By Monday morning I knew something was terribly wrong and I while I was getting ready to go for another sonogram I began to hemorrhage. I remember laying on the table once again and holding D's hand as the tears silently fell. I remember the tech holding her breath, and then with elation saying, "Look Mama there's your little one." Sure enough on the screen was the little beating heart. I left my doctors office that day diagnosed with Subchorionic Hematoma. This meant the placenta had tore away from the uterine wall. Our precious little one had survived and I was put on strict bed rest. I was also being tested to see if I needed hormone injections.
Sadly two days later I went into labor, and D and I lost our 2nd precious little one. At first I told myself that it wasn't meant to be, and that I would be ok, I just needed to get back into my routine. Slowly however, without even realizing it, I began to sink into a deep pit of depression. In going through that season of depression it was one of the darkest most loneliest times I have ever experienced in my life. My depression kept me in bed for weeks, and I missed out on so many teachable moments with my children. In allowing myself to stay depressed I lost control of my home as Mama. By allowing myself to stay depressed I changed the whole dynamic of my family.
Thankfully GOD knew, and captured my heart once again, and slowly I began to get my mind off feeling depressed and got my mind set on all of my blessings. I know that if I allow my thoughts to be centered around all of the bad things and injustices I have received in my life time, well quite frankly I won't want to get out of bed. I know that I must choose to be positive, and remind myself of all the blessings in my life, and just how far I have come in my journey towards wholeness.
"We have the ability to cheer ourselves up no matter what our circumstances are."
I know that it is easy to maintain feeling like a victim when I "feel" as if though I "can't" control what happens to me. I know that by allowing myself to be a victim, I open the door to "woe is me." I send out the invitations of, "Hey come join my pity party, hosted by me, and is all about me!" I know that when I "throw" myself a pity party I am really throwing a "pity me I am a victim" celebration. However, GOD wants me to have a victory celebration!
"And provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3
"What GOD offers us is greater than anything the enemy offers."
I know I must choose to praise HIM through the storms of my life. I must choose to seek joy in all situations that I am in my life. I must not be lazy and just pray for my life to change, I must be willing to do the work to change my life. I must choose to align my thoughts to HIS will for my life.
I have learned that no matter what my circumstances may be I must always trust HIM whether or not I "feel" like it, no matter if I am living in good times or in bad. I have decided to follow JESUS and ask HIM daily to teach, lead, and guide through every moment of my life. GOD has asked me to cling to my faith tenaciously through all of the storms of my life.
I know that my life is a living testament that GOD can, will, and does carry you through the storms of life. HE has, and is using me as a vessel to reach the broken and the lost. Therefore I will rejoice and be glad for the life that HE has chosen for me. I know that my joy is in JESUS and not in my circumstances. I know that when I start to "feel" down I must ask myself where those feelings are coming from. I know that I must direct my thoughts to praising HIM as I know HE will bring me through the storm I am in, and I must seek HIS joy regardless of how I may "feel."
"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God,for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. " Psalm 42:5
I pray today that if you going through the storm, that you know you are not along. I pray today that you seek HIM and allow HIM to renew your mind to be set on the blessings of your life. I pray today that you will surrender and let HIM teach, lead, and guide you. I pray today that you will be filled with a hope that surpasses anything of this world that can only come from HIM. I pray today that you will cling to your faith, and keep your eyes on HIM as you go through the storm.
Blessings,
Heather
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