before the morning....

I didn't sleep last night for very long, as I kept replaying over and over what happened just before D and I went to bed.  I got up several times, thinking, "you are such an idiot, why oh why did you run your mouth off like that?"  "Great now you've done it, way to be the loving and supportive wife."  "Way to set the example of being a CHRIST follower."  "You are such a mess, and he deserves better than you."  The thoughts just kept coming, and I allowed it.  The more I allowed it, the more I cried.  The more I cried the more hopeless and depressed I felt.  This went on all....night....long....

So naturally when I woke up this morning, instead of feeling praise for HIM, thanking HIM for another day, I simply said, "Lord JESUS I need you, so badly, oh how I need you."  Slowly HE began to reveal to me what happened last night, doesn't have to be the end all.  HE reminded me that the pain that I had been feeling all night from the guilt and the shame were only temporary.  HE reminded me that JOY is to be found, and HIS mercies are new every morning.  As HE spoke to my heart, I clung to the song, "Before the Morning." by Josh Wilson. Once again HE reminded me of HIS promises through this part of the chorus "the pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming."

I know I often feel depressed when I am disappointed in my life.  Last night was no exception.  Without going into detail, I placed HUGE unrealistic expectations on my husband, and naturally when he didn't live up to them, well lets just say he received the wrath of Heather, or as D likes to say, "Brunhilda made an appearance."  I know that by allowing myself to be depressed over my actions, discouragement quickly got it's foot in the door of my life too.

I have realized that I have it in my head of how I "think" someone should be and when they are not, well I stupidly "feel" the need to be helpful.  When really, I should be focusing more on myself, and the things GOD is working on in me.  I must get my mind off other peoples flaws, and get my mind on HIM.  I must stop putting all these unrealistic expectations on how I "think" things should be, and let go...... and let GOD.  I must NOT let my disappointments manage me.  I must not let my mouth run away from me.

As I sat there reading my book,  Joyce's words took my breath away, "In GOD there is always a place of New Beginnings."   It was then that the LORD spoke to me "My mercies are new every morning." "Get your heart and mind focused on me, and I will do the rest."  

GOD's truth revealed to me this morning that I have allowed myself to "feel" depressed and have allowed myself to "feel" hopeless.  I all too often let my discouragements lead to "feeling" hopelessness.  HE is the GOD of HOPE, and LOVE, and GRACE, and MERCY!!!  Instead of "feeling" sorry for myself, and sending out invites to "woe is me" I must remember that everyone struggles and it's always hard.  No one person has it easy all of the time.  HE wants me to know that when I get my mind off my problems and get it on HIM, I can do anything as HE is my strength!

I know that I let myself become easily discouraged when I see some who is blatantly disobeying GOD and yet HIS blessings are still being poured over them, or at least that is what I "think."  I find myself comparing my life to theirs, and all of the "why's" and "how come's" take over my thoughts.  I begin to wallow in my own pity about how things are never easy for me.  I begin to say to HIM, "Why oh why must I struggle so hard LORD?"  The feeling of unfairness, and my incessant need to point that out takes over.

"But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong." Psalm 73:2-4

 As I was reading the book of Psalms this morning HIS truth was revealed to me.

"Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73:27-28

GOD reminded me this morning of a lesson HE taught me earlier on in my journey and that is "comparison destroys contentment."

" and constant friction between people of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain. But godliness with contentment is great gain." 
1 Timothy 6:5-6

I know that I must not allow comparison to enter my thoughts as it will only lead to depression.  I must choose to align my thoughts and actions to HIS will for my life.  I must get my mind off of others and get my mind on HIM.  I know that through my obedience HE can, will, and does bless me.  I must keep the faith, and live with HIS hope in me.

" Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I know that a life of shame and guilt is NOT the life that HE has chosen for me.  Therefore I must seek HIM earnestly and allow HIM to renew and refine me daily.  I must never think, "surely YOU are done with me in this area," as everything is in HIS timing not mine.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

GOD lovingly reminded me this morning of why HE sent HIS only son here to live, and teach others how to live.  HE used HIS life as a living testament and guide for how I must live my life.  HE reminded me of the greatest sacrifice that has EVER been made in the crucifixion of CHRIST JESUS, so that I could spend Eternity in Heaven with HIM and HIS Father.  "JESUS died so we could have and enjoy a wonderful, powerful, prosperous life."

Before this morning, I was completely heart broken, was in a pit of despair, and HE quickly rescued me once again, and let me know that I needed to rejoice! as HIS mercies are new this morning!  Today I am thankful for this day, I will rejoice and be glad that I get to "start over."

Today I will meditate on this Decision and Confession: Depression and discouragement will NOT control me.  I will be happy and enjoy my life.

I pray today that if you too have "messed" up that you will seek HIS truth for your life.  I pray today that you will know that HIS mercies are new every morning.  I pray that you know that we all fall short of the glory of GOD.  I pray that you know that even though before this morning you were in pain, and felt hopelessness and despair, you will know that HE is your strength, hope, love, and grace.  HE is all you need. I pray today that you will believe that HE loves you and will never forsake you!

Blessings,
Heather