Usually whenever my tears fall, I just wait for the moment to pass. Lately though, that's becoming more of a challenge for me. I guess it's the realization that the world didn't stop for my broken heart. That when my first tears of agony fell, they were the beginning of my forever tears. Tears that I would cry so much, that those around me just became numb to them. As they have learned that I am just a crier, so much I call myself the professional crier.
That being said, crying takes a lot out of me. Honestly, I miss my life of who I was before my forever tears. I'm beyond heartbroken that I've had to figure out how to live without one of my children. That I've had to navigate through child loss with my husband. That the fierce pain of one of us is missing is always prevalent. That it's been almost 12 years and D and I are still processing how traumatic it was to lose Seth.
Last night D shared with me how a lot of his trauma is how people reacted to my grieving. There was so much church hurt, so many broken relationships, friendships, and judgements. Within the 1st month the attacks began and didn't let up until we sought refuge in our home, stopped going to church, and stopped letting other people into our grief. For the next 6 years we would do all we could to survive. We would try our best to help our heartbroken children who missed their littlest brother so desperately.
Forever tears for my oldest son as at then tender age of 5 was forced to say goodbye to his best friend. The heart wrenching reality that would overwhelm him the 1st time he visited his little brother's grave. Him realizing Seth didn't live at the cemetery, that he was gone.... gone. Holding him in our arms, D and I did our best to console him in his grief. How could we possibly explain to him what we ourselves were still struggling to grasp.
Forever tears at stop lights as I tried so hard to get it together to be Mama to my precious 4, and then soon to be 5. Tears that would flood my eyes as I struggled to connect with the precious little girl in my womb. Forever tears that poured like rain in complete fear to fall in love with her. Bringing her home from the hospital I remember crying to the end of my soul, afraid, asking GOD "to take her now, don't wait till I fall in love with her." As the mere thought of losing again was more than I could bear.
Forever Tears in my many therapists, doctors, and Psychiatrists offices as my mind struggled to process the diagnosis that went hand in hand with child loss. Tears that fell when panic attacks entered my life, and the feelings of failure were all consuming. Tears that fell as I watched the lives of those who were there in the crisis, well their lives continued. Some having more children and are still raising ALL of their children. Tears I've cried as I've battled through the bitterness, jealousy, anger, and resentment.
Forever Tears that have asked the questions that I was too afraid to say. "GOD, do YOU even care?" Afterall where was GOD and why did HE allow us to be so shattered, why were people so cruel to each of us. Why couldn't we have compassion, sympathy, or empathy in the loss of Seth. Why did our world end, and yet those who hurt us in our most vulnerable state of being not apologize for doing so. Why were we supposed to just accept this was just the way things were and would remain.
Forever Tears when the silence of not hearing Seth's name was deafening. Tears that would fall as I would finally open up about the excruciating pain of not hearing Seth's name and being told that it was my job to say his name, that I couldn't possibly expect anyone to say his name as his memory was all on me.
As I type this out today, I'm realizing that it's not me going back in my life, rather it's inviting JESUS into the deepest pain I've endured. It's letting HIM soothe the scars that have been irritated by memories, and moments of familiarity. It's having deep compassion for myself, grace for myself that I didn't think I deserved as I felt so much pressure to just get it together, get over it. Cry enough, wipe my tears, put on my mask as to not offend anyone. Today I'm realizing that being told my grief was offensive to people was deeply traumatic for me. That in inflicted even more pain in my heart than the agony I was already in. It's being able to look at the situations and encounters I found myself in. Not because of what I did, rather it's what I didn't do. I wasn't inspiring enough because I couldn't stop my forever tears.
Soon... it will be 12 years.... and I still cry.... I still grieve... I still miss Seth. I'm still realizing how deep the pain of missing goes. I'm learning to love myself well. I'm learning to TRUST JESUS even more with my heart. I'm learning to LET GO, so that HE can, and HE does, and HE will. I'm learning that as I stand at the ocean of sorrow, HE'S parting the waves, revealing the path for me to walk. HIS love and compassion are endless for me. HE isn't tired of me needing HIM. TRULY I am blessed to BE MOURNING WITH JESUS, as HE is giving me everything I need. TRULY HE has caught and kept every single one of my oceans of forever tears.
Precious Dear Ones,
Deep loss is so very hard, and heavy. HE knows, HE SEES you. HIS love and compassion are endless for you. HE knows and SEES how hard you are trying to just stay afloat. To keep smiling, keep living, keep hoping, keep praying. HE SEES it ALL. HE knows how much you NEED HIS LIGHT, to BE the strength you don't have on your own. How the missing is fierce, how living a life you don't recognize has changed you. HE has caught and kept every single one of your forever tears, as they are so very sacred to HIM. HE is close to the brokenhearted, Psalm 34:18
Always, with so much love, understanding, and compassion,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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