So much I just miss my son. So much I miss not hearing his name in this world. My world was silenced in the most deafening way on October 13, 2014. Not hearing his voice, seeing his smile, his footsteps running into my room... his little hands reaching for me. It wasn't long enough for me to outgrow his little hands. We didn't get the time together to prepare my heart for him to not need me anymore. He left before my heart knew, my arms knew how to be without him.
Soon it will be 12 years since my son was ripped from my arms and my life. 12 years of crying and missing him. Wondering what he would be like. How tall he would be. Would his hair be long like his big brother?? What would life have been like raising two rambunctious little boys? I was ready for that; I was so excited to watch my boys grow up together. It was fall and the boys were so excited for Halloween, trick or treating, and fun family days at the Amusement Park. Our family fun days came to a sudden halt. Tears replaced smiles... silence replaced laughter... the light in our family was gone. Total devastation was all there was to see. The more time went by, the more real the pain was felt. The more the shattering of each of our hearts was made known.
12 years and I still dread grief triggers. 12 years and every time the grief bubbles up and the tears pour out of my eyes, I brace myself. I pray, cry, and wait for the grief wave to level out. But in the aftermath, the pain is still there. There isn't a moment of better when it comes to missing Seth. There isn't any at least moments to be found. Because for the rest of my life Seth will be in Heaven, and I'll cry, grieve, and miss him fiercely.
Grief Triggers have become the hardest moments of giving myself grace to cry. I struggle to not be triggered when someone speaks about Suffering in what I perceive as lame. As the suffering that I've endured has been life altering. Changing every single thing I ever knew how to do... even breathing. Irrevocable change has forever scarred each one of OG family. And to those who joined our family n the aftermath, well I so desperately wish they could have known Seth. Especially his little sister Joy. And then that leads me to another moment of catch... release... knowing that had we not lost Seth, we wouldn't have Joy, and I want both and it isn't fair to have to choose. The thought of losing them both, is unbearable and makes me cry.
Forgiveness towards those who've said hurtful things pertaining to my grieving Seth over the last almost 12 years has proven to be a tough challenge. Every single time I "think" I've finally let go of unforgiveness; it's always revealed there is residual pain that lingers. It's in those moments that take me right down to my knees, where I'm so angry all over again, and all I can do is to "let it hurt." Let the pain out, so that HIS healing can come in. It's in those vulnerable moments where I've let my guard down, and my strength is depleted. It's where HE has taught me to cry deep into HIS chest because HE knows how much I am hurting. HE knows how desperately I am missing Seth.
It's not lost on me that the new school year starts next month, and fall will follow shortly thereafter. I wish so badly that I could say I'm finally done grieving, but then as a loving sister in CHRIST JESUS reminded me then that would mean I don't think about him ever and that would be even more tragic than me losing him. Missing Seth is the hardest thing I've had to learn how to do. Continuously living my life not knowing my son anymore and having to tell the world about him. When really all the world just wants me to forget, to move on, and just be content with knowing he's in heaven and I'll see him again one day. To that I say, "well that's crap." As if you'd allow yourself to imagine not seeing your child anymore. That your time with them would just be over. That all your hopes, dreams, and prayers were just over... with nowhere to go but through your tears. Your tears would become your food, everything would change, even your breathing. That everyone in your world just expect you to just accept your child's death and move on. Your life will feel like the worst dream, a living nightmare that you can't wake up from. That you'll be the newest member of the most horrific club that is every parent's worst nightmare.
If only has become the cry of my broken mama heart. If only I had known how that day would end up. If only I had known what I would have done differently. If only I had known, I'd memorize his little laugh, his sing songy voice... his smile... his hands. Oh, his little hands, how I miss his little hands... and then it hits me he wouldn't be little anymore, and I have to capture the anger in those thoughts, give them to JESUS, and let HIM comfort me in the sadness of deep loss. Catch.... release.... when the pain hits, the thoughts flood, the missing is fierce... I let JESUS in... and release all the emotions tied to my thoughts.
Today has been a day of reflection of the past few days of tears. My heart is aching, the missing just hurts... so much... just miss Seth... my son... Mama's Teff... my sweet Seth Daniel.... I grieve for the years I've cried, and I then I thank JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me. For if not for JESUS I surely would have died from my broken heart. HE TRULY is CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED, and every single day HE meets me, gives me my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD and comforts me in only a way HE can.
Life after loss.... I'm learning is full of moments that take my breath way, and all I need to remember is catch.... release....
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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