Hiding, because my grief has outlasted the sympathy from those around me. Empathy comes and goes, but most of all it's the constant fishbowl that I find myself in. The arena of life announcing the next thing. The hurt, the battles, the pain, the scars, all of it. I smile to cope; I try so hard to stay afloat to not be pulled under with the deep sadness that takes over when I allow myself to miss my son. When I let my guard down, and fall deep into HIS arms, safe in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS to cry to the end.of.my.soul.
So much I find myself trying so hard to just keep positive, to think of Seth HEALED and WHOLE in Heaven... but alas I am so very human, and as Seth's Mama my tears, my sadness finds me. I manage to evade the pain, the grief, and keep moving forward. Until I reach the point where I can't go on. Not without a release of the heaviness of the tears that are stored up, ready to fall at a moment's notice. Where I fight a battle in my mind, feeling betrayed by my heart, as if JESUS isn't enough for me to keep moving forward.
Then I feel HIS warm embrace, pull me even closer still. I breathe in HIS peace, and let all the pain, the tears, the sorrow, the questions, the heartbreaking realizations that keep flooding me year after year. Feeling so fragile, too fragile to even stand. HE reminds me that I don't have to do this on my own. HE is there to help me, to hold me, and to carry me through. HE lets me know that HE SEES me trying so hard, to hold it together, to not seem ungrateful for ALL HE has done for me. To be grateful for HIS steadfast faithfulness to remain with me through it all. HE is wanting me to know that HE NEVER grows tired of being the ONE to carry me through my pain, my sorrow, my sadness, my struggle to accept HIS TRUTH, accept that I'm still crying, still missing, and it hurts. OH, SWEET JESUS it just hurts so bad.
Even as I type this post, my tears are streaming. I'm having to pause to wipe away my tears because they are flooding my eyes, pouring like rain. Even now, after all this time, the pain still feels so fresh, so raw, so deep. A well of emotions bubbles up within me. Suffering from a life altering loss. Still almost 12 years later I'm still learning how to live without my son. I'm still learning how deep the missing goes. How much time is brutal to my mended broken heart. For I am convinced that if you were to look at my heart you would SEE all the pieces put back together by HIS love. You'd SEE HIS strength pouring through my veins, and you'd SEE me encompassed in HIS peace.
For this I am so very grateful. For this very reason, is why I didn't just give up. It's why I still write. It's why in everything I do, I pray it is ALL FOR HIS GLORY. It's my JESUS STORY. It's my Redemption story. HE is my source of ALL my strength, as I haven't been able to do any of this without HIM. HE has remained steadfastly faithful right beside me. Holding me as I fall apart. Pouring strength into me to serve, to hold other's people's pain and stories. HE'S given me the ability to pray, to intercede on behalf of those who are mourning and the brokenhearted. For those who are suffering, HE has taught me how to listen, to pray, to listen, to pray, and repeat. To pray to HIM to carry them through.
Precious Dear Ones,
If today should find you struggling to even stand, or even lift your arms to be lifted up, HE is there. Cry out to HIM. Let your tears fall, cry out to JESUS because HE cares so deeply for you. HE NEVER grows tired of being needed by you. HE doesn't want you to pretend for HIM, HE knows how heavy the burdens are that are weighing you down. HE knows why, what happened and how deep your scars and pain go. HE knows when you are smiling just to cope, just to stay afloat. HE knows, HE SEES you, HE is there to help you, to hold you, to carry you through whatever it is that you are going through. Even if it's been hidden from the rest of the world. Even if you're struggling to let it out because of shame and guilt, HE knows, and HE loves you. HE has a plan to help you through it. To FREE you from the shame and guilt. HE is TRUSTWORTHY to hold all of your emotions, all your feelings that you keep swallowing so that no one knows. HE knows, HE is there, HE is waiting for you to let HIM pull you through whatever it is that you're going through. May today be the day where you lean back into HIS embrace and let HIM carry you through.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS
~Heather
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