In the silence, in the fear, in joy and elation, in the darkest hours of my life I have cried out to HIM in worship. As tears poured from my eyes and pooled as oceans at my feet, when I couldn't SEE a way through, I kept playing worship music on repeat. Sometimes, I would play the same song 100 times in a row, over and over until I could lift my head up, until I cried all the tears I had stored up for that moment. Until the peace that surpassed all my understanding flooded my every hurt, every ache, and soothed every pain that overwhelmed me, I continued to worship until I was fully at peace to where I was able to breathe.
I learned how to do this when Seth died, and the pain and agony of losing him caused me to cry to the end of my soul, where it felt as if though I were being ripped in half. I remember the first moments of agony where I was certain I was going to die from the unimaginable pain. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything but cry out in agony. Until I was all cried out for the moment, and a much-needed reprieve flooded me, to hold me, help me in the moment as we drove home.
In the quiet of the drive home, my soul cried out, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT I began to worship. CHRIST ALONE CORNERSTONE... my heart was obliterated, and HIS HOLY SPIRIT interceded on my behalf. During that first night HE taught me how to cry out to HIM. Asking for HIM to flood us with HIS PEACE, and to please drench us each in HIS GRACE. Worship became a part of my grief. Words that I couldn't speak, pain I didn't know what to do with. HE led me to songs to listen to, to lift my hands to the heavens, to lay my head on my bible, to cry to the end of my soul, in waiting for HIM to quiet my soul.
I knew I was being held, I knew HE would heal me, it wasn't ever a matter of if HE would heal me, it was when. For years HE led me to new songs that spoke to my broken heart. Year after year, even in the time where I couldn't pray, couldn't read my bible, couldn't even hold my head up, HE led me, to worship. HE reminded me of HIS HOLY PROMISES for me, the very promises HE taught me to cling to. HE knew when I was losing my grip, holding on by my fingertips, fading away in the deafening silence of Seth's profound absence. The PTSD triggers that wrecked me over and over. The stop light tears, always triggered through worship, the same songs that allowed me to cry, brought me to a new purpose in my pain and that was to pray for other broken-hearted Mamas who they too were sitting at stop lights crying to the end of their souls.
It would be years later that I would begin to encounter some of the very souls whom I had been praying for. It was through worship through stop light tears, where I learned HIS TRUTH, that pain is universal. That deep loss would affect every single person my eyes would see. That it's not matter of if, but a matter of when. Deep loss has brought me to an even deeper understanding and compassion for those who mourn. Worship taught me how to SEE people, and how to pray for them, how told hold their pain, without letting it trigger mine. Worship would lead me to a place where my TRUST for HIM challenged me even further, to let go of the grip I had, the ownership I felt I had to grieve, to TRUST HIM enough to let go, and let HIM heal me.
Four years ago, a song of worship about a breakthrough was on repeat in my daily life. Over and over, I would play that song, I would pray the lyrics, sometimes I'd lift my hands and sing, other times I would lay on my bed, and cry to the end of my soul. This was because as much as I wanted and needed healing, I was terrified to let go of the lie that it was my responsibility to grieve my son to my own death. It was in that time of my life where I truly learned to step out into the waves to carry me through to someplace new. To a life beyond PTSD, beyond sorrow, beyond deep loss, and that very thought terrified me as the guilt and shame that I carried overwhelmed me, as if healing would mean forgetting and moving on, and how could I possibly do that when I missed my son so desperately.
Worship restored my JOY for living, renewed my mind, and transformed my heart. Three years into my healing breakthrough, HE taught me how to worship in the unknown, to dare to dream, to believe, to pray audacious prayers, and believe HE could do abundantly more than I could ever ask or dream of. So much that being thirteen months out from that moment, I can say that through worship HE revived me. Gave me a new life, a HOLY RESET, and took me through the most intense, yet lovingly gentle restorative work. HE taught me the importance of consuming HIS DAILY BREAD through worship. HE taught me that HE knows how much I NEED HIM to quiet my mind, therefore HE places songs on my heart, that remind me to lift my hands to the heavens, to lean back into HIS arms, and to know that HE is working ALL things out for HIS good.
Currently I am praying through a storm where I can't SEE a way through, so I'm choosing to worship through it. I'm choosing to TRUST HIM, to pray ceaselessly to HIM. Knowing full well that HE is greater than the vast number of enemies in this storm in my life. HE is once again reminding me through worship that HE is my peace, my strength, and that HE will fill me with HIS truth through discernment through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, to teach, lead, and guide me how to pray. Worship was first introduced in my life in 2002 and saved me in 2003. Through every single battle, every single storm of my life, HE has filled me with HIS promises, singing over me, reminding me that HE is indeed my CHAMPION, my ABBA, my PEACE, my REFUGE, my SHIELD, my PROTECTOR, my DEFENDER, as I know full well that I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul, and HIS name is JESUS. Hebrews 6:19.
Precious Dear Ones,
HE knows how broken-hearted you are. HE knows how alone you feel. HE knows you believe that HE has forgotten you. HE knows what you've been carrying, and how you've been holding everything together. HE knows, and HE loves you. HE weeps for you, and over you in your sorrow, in your pain, in the agony, in the deep loss, in the anger, in the lies that have destroyed your heart. That have violated your trust. HE knows how you've lost the strength to fight, how you've tried for years to keep holding on, and you've reached your breaking point. HE knows how you feel like HE doesn't hear your cries, HE is with you, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is that HE has caught and kept every single one of your tears because they are so very sacred to HIM. Every single time you lift your hands, or lean back in HIS arms, whenever you're in your car and a song plays, and it speaks to your heart, and causes you to cry out, or silently swallow your tears, even in the words you don't say, HIS HOLY SPIRIT is there to intercede on your behalf. When you worship with tears streaming down your face, HE is with you and ALL of Heaven is listening. Dear Ones, HE is there, HE loves you, HE is waiting for you to invite HIM in to help you, to carry you through what you are going through. HE will meet you right where you are, and teach, lead, and guide you through worship, HIS HOLY PROMISE is that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY,
With so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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