FREE

 For as long as I can remember I longed to be FREE from painful rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, CPTSD, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, people pleasing are just to name a few.  A few.... just typing them out I can remember how battle weary I was.  I can remember the tears I cried, the prayers I prayed, and how helpless, powerless, and hopeless my feelings were that I tried so hard to fight through.

I remember attending church as an observer, not participating in anything other than worship.  Honestly, I remember sitting in my seat week after week silently loathing anyone that was happy or smiling.  I loathed the "helpful" people as I was beyond depressed.  I wanted so badly to be FREE from suffering.  I longed to know a life outside of TRAUMA.  I would leave week after week feeling worse than I did when I arrived, and eventually I had banked up enough terrible rotten, no-good Sundays, and just ordinary days that I gave up on being with people outside of my family and small circle of people who I could trust.

My days consisted of sarcasm just to cope with the harsh reality that was my life.  Binge watching TV that wasn't anything like my life became my focus.  I took my medication like clockwork and gave into the realization that my life was as good as it would ever get, I was trapped in a cycle of the highest of highs in the rare moments, and when I would crash, it would be through self-destruction.  

It never failed that I would have a good few days, then every once in a while, weeks, and then I'd find myself on the battlefield fighting for my life.  What I didn't realize then was the only way I was able to have a "good" day was through avoidance.  Being absent from my own life was the only way I knew how to survive.  I wanted so desperately to understand the meaning behind my story, and more than anything I just wanted to be FREE.

Seven months ago, I became medication FREE, and little did I know at the time that HE was up to something BIG.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized just how BIG.  For the past seven months I've been set FREE from CPTSD, hypervigilance, rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and people pleasing. It was during a moment of intercessory for someone else in need to be set FREE did I realize that HE set me FREE from far more than I could have ever hoped or asked for.

HE revealed to me this morning HIS TRUTH, that HE knew just how timid and afraid I was to ask to be set FREE from all of those things, so I stayed small on my list of need to be set FREE from.  HE let me know that HE will NEVER grow tired of meeting my needs.  HE pulled me even closer still, wrapping me up in HIS arms, and there I remained.  Safe in the shadow of HIS mighty wings.  This was a deeply familiar place for me to be.   As it was there that I received the most life changing comfort in the deep loss of my son.  It was in HIS arms that I learned I could TRUST HIM with my tears, and I could cry deep into HIS chest.  

This morning HE reminded me that even though I've been set FREE from so many lies of oppression, HE knows that I still NEED HIM.  HE reminded me that I was created on purpose to NEED HIM.  That it was never the plan for me to do anything by myself, That HIS plans for my life include even more moments of me being set FREE by HIS TRUTH.  HE wanted me to know that when I discover even more of HIS truth for myself, HE'S grinning from ear to ear as HE is so proud of me.  HE is reminding me of my new name HE gave me, Ravah (immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT) is a constant continual tangible reminder for me to remember HE is for me, NEVER against me.  That HE is my ABBA, my GOOD SHEPHERED, my FATHER OF GOOD GIFTS, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my CHAMPION, my LORD and SAVIOR, my LIVING HOPE, my JESUS.

My JESUS story is how I was set FREE to pray, to intercede on behalf of the souls I encounter who too are being held in bondage through lies of oppression.  To pray on their behalf because I recognize the lies, and the emotions wrapped up in lies.  The self-destruction, confusion, division, and isolation that takes over a battle-weary soul.  It is an honor and a privilege to sit with someone whose story feels too much, or not good enough.  To someone who has gone their whole life feeling unseen, unloved, unknown, and unwanted, is so very battle-weary, on the battlefield unsure of what they're even fighting for.   

This was me; I knew how to put on the ARMOR OF GOD, I just didn't understand who or what my enemies were.  It was JESUS fighting for me, setting me FREE that has empowered me to speak boldly, to pray earnestly, and ceaselessly for myself and others. It's where I've learned how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Ephesians 6:10-20 It's where I've learned about HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for DIVINE PROTECTION, Psalm 91.

Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, if any of this resonates with you, my prayer is that you will come to know HIM as I know HIM.  If you are unsure of your relationship with JESUS, cry out to HIM, "JESUS PLEASE HELP ME."  HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you.  HE has amazing plans for your life.  Plans to set you FREE, to heal you, to help you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE, Jeremiah 29:11.   I know you may be thinking, "Heather you just don't understand."  You might be right, but what I do know is that even when the people in our lives fail us, JESUS NEVER will.  HIS plans are so good.  HE is kind, compassionate, and gentle.  HE won't rush you, HE will help you understand, and in the times where you are struggling to understand, or you're mad at HIM, well Dear Ones, HE has a plan for that too. TRUST HIM, HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE, that indeed then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE, John 8:32,36

As always, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather