Last week I wrote about Forever Tears, and yesterday I began to cry tears I have never cried, because up until now I wasn't able to even express what the pain was that I was feeling. So as always, it was through a song. About heaven taking someone early, in a season of life that was good, and how they weren't ready to let them go. It goes on to talk about sitting in the hospital room to say goodbye. Never had I heard a song that was so relatable to how I felt about losing Seth.
The Truth is, Seth left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without him. Losing him the way that we did, with no chance of saving him, or even fighting for him. When I found him, it was just over, and somehow someway I was just supposed to accept it, grieve, cry, and then move on. Afterall life is for the living. This very expectation kept me from being able to cry the tears that are now pouring out of me. Tears that I wasn't ready to lose Seth, I most certainly wasn't prepared to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to feel my broken heart beating while Seth's had stopped. I wasn't ready for the agony, and the cruel reality that all eyes were on me to just heal up, be strong, and keep on keeping on.
As the tears soaked my pillow last night, I prayed, I poured my heart out to JESUS, "why now, why these tears?" HIS answer, "It's okay Dear Heart, I know how much it hurt you to lose Seth, to give him back, to stand in heaven's doorway. It's okay that you're still not okay. I'M here cry deep into MY chest. I know I'M here; I will help you. Eye's up Dear Heart, I AM making a way." Exhaustion soon took over and I fell into a much-needed deep sleep.
When I awoke this morning, I wondered if the tears would fall today, and sure enough they did. However, I didn't let it stop me from seeking HIM, reading HIS word, asking HIM for my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD. Ask, and you shall receive, HIS DAILY BREAD, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today led me straight into the book of Acts 20:19 to be exact. How the apostle Paul received discernment from HIS HOLY SPIRIT, how he served the LORD with all humility and tears. no matter what. Even if......
HE revealed to me that much like HIS apostle Paul, I, too have endured and faced more trials more than most. I have endured, and I haven't given up. I've kept writing, kept sharing HIS good news of HIS amazing grace even in the midst of suffering. I have suffered with JESUS; I have mourned with JESUS. I have cried the most guttural tears of agony into HIS chest. I have forgiven and let go of the hurt that has complied on top of my broken heart. I have given HIM my heart, to be bound up and healed. I have TRUSTED HIM in my healing and restoration. I have kept a resilient FAITH, TRUSTING HIM with all my pain, sadness, and deep sorrow. I've TRUSTED HIM to lead me through this journey of life after deep loss.
Because of my journey of Resilient Faith, I am able to go back with HIM, not to hurt me, but to release me. Release me from the lie of still grieving, still crying, as if it's wrong for me to do just that. HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for me is this: It's okay that I've reached an even deeper level of grief. It's okay because it's pain that I wasn't ready to name or speak about. Pain that I couldn't even begin to comprehend, let alone articulate until I reached the level of healing that I have been brought through.
Healing is wild, as I never know what door it will unlock. Today healing is allowing me to say all the words that shock, agony, and sorrow kept me from speaking. Heaven did take Seth too early. Death showed up, in the midst of one of the happiest, most free moments I had ever experienced. Standing on the mountaintop of peace with Seth in my arms, I surrendered. FULL SURRENDER, TRUE HUMILITY (or at least I thought I did.) And just like that, before the days end, my heart would be shattered, and life as we knew it would be irrevocably changed. All of which destroyed me and has led me through the darkest years of my life. Losing Seth the way we did, how it affected each of us. Grieving with JESUS didn't always help, and that devastated me. I so desperately wanted and needed to be healed, and all I knew was for the past almost 12 years all Ive done is cry out to JESUS, the pain of missing Seth and the suffering in learning to live without him has felt like hell on earth.
My tears are releasing the hurt and anguish of people seemingly forgetting what my family and I went through. For them it seemed as if nothing changed. For us though, our family grew, but one of us was still missing. Seth's death changed each of us. I can only speak for myself. My arms still ache for him; I can only remember him as the age he was on the day I last kissed his sweet little face and ran my fingers through his hair one.last.time. I can only remember having to get up from the chair at the cemetery. Walking away from his little casket being lowered into the ground. The earthly body that I birthed, held, nursed, cared for. Loved, kissed, sang to, jumped and danced with and wept over. That precious little earthly body. His blue eyes just like his Papa's whom he was named after. My Seth Daniel, forever 1, left this world far too early, went home to Heaven to live with JESUS, took a piece of my heart with him, and that, that still hurts me. I still struggle with that. I still cry and miss him. I still wonder who he would be. Back to school is next month and is the start of the reminders of who he would have been. All of it hurts, and it's okay.
Precious Dear Ones,
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to cry, to ask why, and to not understand. HE loves you, and HE is with you. HE will help you. HIS plans for you are amazing. Plans to help you, hold you, and heal you. HE knows what you need even before you do. HIS grace is ALL sufficient for you, and HIS tender mercies are made new just.for.you each morning. HE has plans to restore your JOY and to give you HOPE and a future. But don't just take my word for it. Seek HIM with ALL your heart and ask HIM for your portion of HIS DAILY BREAD. SEEK HIS TRUTH for your life. HE will help you, HIS plans for your life are to FREE you, and give you the life you have prayed for. And if today is just a day of tears, well it's okay because if I've learned anything, well HE has a plan for that too!!
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS
~Heather
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