A Holy Response

Deep from within the Heavens, HE calls unto the deepest part of me.  HE reaches for me and pulls me even closer still.  HE breathes HIS PEACE into, and over me.  To quiet my mind, the thoughts that have been wrecking me.  Thoughts that have carried me back to when, when I find myself looking in the rearview mirror more than I am looking forward.  My life, embers and ashes all around me, the enemy wants me to focus. To be so intent on only seeing the wreckage, the lies, the destruction.  The guilt, the shame, the why didn't I, why did this happen, why did that happen, how the hell did we get here?  So much my mind takes me all the way back, back to the storms, the trauma, the agony, in both my childhood and adulthood.  I'm reminded of all that has happened.  I look all around; tears pour from my soul and pool as oceans at my feet.  I'm drowning in memories, but only for a moment, as I feel HIS peaceful presence encompass me.  It is there HE leads me beside HIS still waters, to rest, safely in the shadow of HIS mighty wings. Psalm 23:1-2, Psalm 17:8

I can breathe again, my tears lessen, but still fall, as the pain of all that has happened is being released.  My mind goes back to last summer when HE began to prepare me to pursue A HOLY RESPONSE.  Unbeknownst to me how much that very teaching would prepare me for this very season of life that I am living.  How consuming my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD has prepared me for the HOLY RESET HE has brought me through.  Healing me from CPTSD, HYPERVIGILENCE, TRAUMA, CLINICAL DEPRESSION and ANXIETY, taking away the need for medication just to survive my life.  A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY TEACHINGS how to live, love, and look like JESUS.  How even when someone sins against me, I don't have to react.  How I don't have to RSVP to every argument I'm invited to.  How I don't have to respond to mistreatment or injustice with anger, therefore I won't be reacting (sinning) in my anger.   As that is how the enemy has trapped me over and over relationally for as long as I can remember.  How in every relationship since I was a toddler (which is a mind blowing revelation I've recently had since I was only 2.5 years old when I was first traumatized), I learned how to keep myself small, unseen, unheard, unknown, out of sight, faded into the background, taking responsibility to maintain control of every situation, that if I just did exactly everything without needing anything, then maybe, just maybe they would forget about me, leave me alone, and I would survive another day without being hurt.

This very trauma response would bode well for me as I grew older.  I knew how to test whether someone was safe or not, and honestly, I learned to gauge very quickly that no one was safe.  This worked well in my favor until.... I became a Christian, and it was then I learned some of my life's hardest lessons in forgiveness, trust, and healing.  As some of the meanest most cruel people whom I would encounter would hurt me with scripture, with lies of oppression through legalism and religion.  The expectation for me to just be HOLY and know exactly what the LORD wanted for my life.  Not knowing just how messed up I was.  Not knowing just how trapped I had been for so long.  Not understanding what HE wanted for me, thinking HE only wanted something from me.  Believing I had to earn my salvation, as even though I knew I couldn't earn it, my mind had been trained by a spirit of manipulation and control through the people who were supposed to love and care for me.  An unknowingly I too operated in that same capacity, hurting my children, my husband, and those whom I would encounter.

It wasn't until 4 years ago when I was awakened to healing in the deepest pain of abandonment, isolation, and betrayal that I began to step into a new way of living, as I was learning WHO I AM IN CHRIST JESUS.  HE had begun to prepare me for this very part of my life that I am living now, 13 years ago on May 25, 2013, when HE took me through my very first breakthrough in my life in walking closely with JESUS, and HE laid it heavy on my heart to share my thoughts with others, not realizing then that HE was preparing me, through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS to edify HIS word for my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  HE took HIS time to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIS HOLY PROMISES, and HIS CHARACTER, that I would cling to, and HE brought me through the deep loss of my son Seth.  

Looking back now, HE brought me through ALL of it and has brought me to this life that I am living now.  Through every set back, closed door, HE has brought me through, even when I couldn't SEE, HE remained steadfastly faithful with me, to me.  HE NEVER left my side, NOT even one time.  NOT even when I tried to push HIM away, HE loved me through it, carried me through it ALL.  HE set me back on my feet, and taught me how to live again, how to breathe again, and most importantly how to TRUST again.  HE showed me HE loves and cares for me so deeply and so personally.  HE has met me in ALL of my tears, ALL of my heartache, and has proven to me time and again that HE is indeed THE PROMISEKEEPER.  That HE will ALWAYS make a way.  

A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY BREAD that I've been consuming for the past year, even before I realized that is what HE was having me do.  Preparing me, steadying me to pursue holiness and what that means for me, and what it looks like.  Breaking FREE from the lie of self-comfort, and seeking HIM to comfort me, in taking captive the WHY I consume what I do.  In eating, drinking, watching, and listening to ( all for comfort).  Through it all HE has met me every step of the way, reminding me HE IS IN THE DETAILS of even what I am choosing to eat.  This I am reminded once again this morning as I stepped on the scale, and I've now officially lost 81lbs.  That is so much more than weight loss, but ALL the healing that HE has done inside me, and through me, that now SHINES out of me. A HOLY RESPONSE is becoming the answer to every single question that comes to my mind.  To every single answer that I am seeking.  That has continued to solidify HIS TRUTH, HIS TRUE PURPOSE, HIS WILL for my life, and that is to have me look, love, and live like JESUS, like HIM.  Teaching me how and why it's imperative that I learn and choose to speak HIS TRUTH in love to every single soul I encounter.  How speaking isn't always with words, rather through my prayers to HIM.  That HE knows what my exact thoughts are going to be, before they are even formed.  HE knows why I feel the way I do, and what brings tears to my eyes and why.  HE knows how much looking in the rearview mirror hurts me, and how much memories tend to drown me.  HE knows and wants me TRUST HIM, cry out to HIM, and let HIM carry me through, TRUST HIM to carry me through.  A HOLY RESPONSE of TRUSTING HIM with it all, choosing to respond in HOLINESS.  

I used to write about being on a journey towards wholeness, and that has now become about choosing a HOLY RESPONSE, and pursuing HOLINESS, with JESUS, because of JESUS.  That it's okay that I'm not okay in the grief and sorrow from the memories, that HE is with me in ALL of it, through ALL of it.  HE is making a way.  HE is truly creating in me a new heart and teaching me how to DAILY PUT ON HIS ARMOR, to BE more like HIM.  To BE more peaceful, peace filled, and at the end of each day I can celebrate HIS FAITHFULNESS and GOODNESS for me, and I can wake each new morning with a grateful heart, that HE is TRUSTING me with one more day to LIVE for HIM.  A HOLY RESPONSE has opened the door to a HOLY RESET, which brought me to a whole new way of living with JESUS.  Being blessed to mourn with JESUS, love with JESUS, and pursue HOLINESS with JESUS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE loves you, HE knows you, HE created you and knows every hair on your head.  HE knows your name as it's etched into HIS MIGHTY MAGNIFICIENT CAPABLE HANDS.  HE knows why you're hurting, what you need before you even form a thought to ask.  HE knows that lies of oppression have you bound up.  HE knows what you've endured.  HE knows every tear you've cried, whether audibly or silently.  HE has always been with you, NEVER once leaving you nor forsaking you. HE knows you think and believe HE has abandoned you, HE is just waiting for you to invite HIM back in, or maybe in for the first time.  HE has amazing plans for healing, and restoration for your life.  No matter how far gone off the rails your life has gone, HE has a plan.  HE knows your fears, and what keeps you stuck.  HE knows how hard you've fought to survive, and how you are just waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop in your life.  HE knows the arena of suffering that you find yourself time and again, with all eyes on you waging their bets of whether or not this will be the "thing" that wipes you out.  HE knows how bitter and angry you are that life has just been so damn hard.  HE knows how tired, and let's just face it, battle weary you are.  HE knows how much you carry, how hard you work only to be disrespected by those in your life, and treated so unfairly, unjustly.  HE knows how much you compromise to keep the peace in your life.  HE knows why and how you do the things you to in order to "protect" your peace.  HE knows that lies said about you, believed about you.  HE knows how deeply it cuts into your self-esteem.  HE knows why you run away, isolate, and shut down, and shut out the world just to try quiet the "noise" in your life. HE knows all of the toxic, narcissistic manipulative, controlling entities that are in your life scheming to take you down, to wipe you out.  HE knows, and HE has a plan to teach you how to PUT ON HIS ARMOR, Ephesians 6:10-20, to teach, lead, and guide you to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Dear Ones, ALL of it, HE knows, HE is there, and HIS plans for your life are deeply personal just.for.you.  May today be the day that you surrender to HIS loving, welcoming embrace.  May you seek REFUGE safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS.  May you rest in HIS arms and breathe in HIS peace.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY,

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather