Job 16:2-5
I just love whenever I am led to the infallible WORD of GOD and as I'm reading, I begin to SEE my life in between the scriptures. HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is taking me back to a time where in the early stages of grieving through deep loss I stopped showing up. In church, fellowship, community, and well in my life in general. Not because I didn't need people, but because being with people, embracing life hurt so badly. I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and no matter how much I prayed, cried out, begged, pleaded and came undone, I couldn't escape the living nightmare that was my reality.
Every morning I would wake up and my first though was Seth was gone.,, gone.... but how is that even possible when he was just here. Afterall, Seth was here until he wasn't and that very truth hurt more than any words could say or begin to comprehend. I was lost, I was in agony, I was desperate for relief. I NEEDED healing, and I didn't know if I could wait for HIS perfect time, and even more I wasn't sure if I wanted to.
I remember clearly the day I decided I would no longer show up at church, and when I stopped reading my bible. As NOTHING was bringing me comfort. I knew HIS PROMISES were TRUE, but in the grief, and deep sorrow, all I could see was and endless gaping hole of where my son once was. I was so tired of my falling apart being on display. Keeping me vulnerable to the "hamster wheel" people, whom I knew they meant well. I always knew when they would see me, and I would envision the "hamster wheel" of thinking that if they could just think of words of brilliance that would snap me out of the deep hole of darkness and despair. I knew they meant well, but in my raw honest grief, I hated everyone, and everything, Equally, I didn't discriminate, I hated ALL things happy, good, smiling, and fun. My world was so dark, as I was obliterated by Seth's death, and I hated knowing and having to go to sleep with the realization becoming more real that Seth was gone... gone.... only to wake up to a new day of fresh sorrow. I hated my life, I hated living, I wanted JESUS to come back... or to take me HOME. I wanted relief, I NEEDED a reprieve. I so desperately NEEDED healing, yet with the thoughts of healing came the fear, the threat of people forgetting that though Seth was out of sight, he most certainly wasn't out of my mind, and that crushed me.
HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is revealing to me HIS GOODNESS, that what once a deep hole of agony, sorrow, darkness, and despair, is now a DEEP WELL of empathy, kindness, compassion, tenderness and grace. This I know and recognize in the scriptures as HE is having me soak in HIS TRUTH in the book of JOB. Who was a man of complete integrity, who was blameless in GOD'S eyes., and is a written story of deep agony, sorrow, and despair as JOB lost everything in his life, everything except his actual life. Each time I read JOB, I'm taken even further into what he had endured, how his friends "tried" to comfort him, they failed spectacularly, and JOB ended up speaking the LORD'S TRUTH to them.
I am learning that each and every morning that I choose to meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET place that is where HE meets me right where I am, and HE waits for me to BE open, to TRUST HIM with even more. This I know, as I am currently deep into the belly of grief, which is the deepest pain where memories flow that are still so very tender, and raw. The memories of the first moments where the worst day of my life began to unfold. Slowly, and gently, HE is guiding me to those raw, tender moments NOT to harm me, rather to heal me, in pouring HIS soothing balm onto my not so new wounds, however, in going back into them, the pain feels like yesterday yet it feels as though it was a lifetime ago.
This I am now SEEING as HIM teaching me to DIG a deep well of empathy, compassion, kindness, tenderness, grace, and love that is NEEDED in order for me to mourn with those who mourn. As I have learned in my own mourning that what I NEEDED wasn't always given, and what I was given wasn't well received, and ended up doing more harm than good. In knowing this I am RESOLVED to mourn with those who mourn just as JESUS did and continues to do every single day of my life, and since I know this. I am determined to being a comforter, and NOT a fixer or a solver of someone's grief. I want to BE honoring to their pain, and to BE able to love, look, and live like JESUS to whomever I encounter.
I don't want to be a "hamster wheel" person who prays pacifying prayers. I don't want to be surfacy in the willingness to sit in their suck with them. I want to BE where HE sends me. To sit in the suck, to cry, to mourn, to grieve. To give and hold space to the brokenhearted. To BE a source of HOPE, light, and love to them, and for them. I want to BE so attuned to HIS voice, that I am able to discern when speak words of life, and TRUTH, and when to pray those very things. I want to BE honoring, to have a DEEP WELL of empathy, that meets the brokenhearted right where they are so that they will know that they are SEEN, HEARD, and that they will know and experience that they are so deeply loved. I so desperately want to BE HIS LIGHT in the darkness, and despair. To BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, as HE is the source of my HOPE. I want to pray and lift up them to JESUS WHO is THE HEALER of ALL hurts.
My life's prayer has evolved in taking my eyes, and focus off of me, and my eyes are fixed on HIM. To teach, lead, and guide me, to show me how to BE ALL IN. To live, love, and look like JESUS. So that I am HIS LIVING VESSEL to help HIM heal the brokenhearted. Not that I will do anything, rather what HE WILL do through me. I pray daily for the readers of this blog that they will SEE HIM, and that they will SEE their own lives in my JESUS STORY, as HE is the SAME for each and every single of us. I pray often over the numbers, not to boast in the stats of the blog, rather to pray over the number of souls whose eyes read HIS TRUTH here in HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.
Precious Dear Ones,
HE knows, HE SEES you, HE knows how badly you are hurting. HE knows what you have endured. HE knows what you're struggling to forgive, and why you can't forget what's happened. HE knows how much you cried, and HE knows how much you loathe crying. HE knows, and HE cares. HE has a DEEP ENDLESS WELL of compassion, kindness, tenderness, empathy, grace and mercy that is just.for.you. Dear Ones, HE is making a way through the wilderness. HE will make ALL things new. HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE, for me and for you. Even if pulled away from HIM, HE'S there waiting for you to open your heart to HIM. Even when all you see is ashes and embers of a life you once knew, HE promises to RESTORE all that you have lost. (Truthfully this promise was one of my greatest struggles as HE wasn't going to RESTORE our life with Seth, however HE did RESTORE my precious memories of my son's life and brought me to a place where I was remembering more that he lived, and not just that he died.) Even though, you're still seeing gray in your world, and the grief fog and cloud is hovering over you, HE promises to turn your sorrow into dancing, and will give you beauty for your ashes. HE is with you, HE will NEVER leave you nor forsake you, even when you're struggling. HE is STEADFASTLY FAITHFULL to REMAIN.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With a deep well of empathy, compassion, kindness, tenderness, and love,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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