Sunday, August 16, 2015

not my journey

This journey that I have been on with HIM.... has been one where I have been high on the mountain, and led back down into the valleys, the rivers, and streams, that have led me to the deepest ocean I have ever been in.  This ocean that I have come to know as my humble place, the place where HE reaches into the deepest part of me.  

Deep calls unto the deep..... I read that last week, a week that was FULL of darkness.  A week that leveled me once again, yet because of WHO HE is in me, HE has lifted me up and out of the pit of despair, and poured HIS unfailing LOVE, amazing GRACE, and perfect PEACE into me, to show me, to lead me, to guide me with HIS SOVEREIGN hand that NOT only am I going to survive this unthinkable..... unimaginable..... unfathomable....loss of my precious son Seth, I, Heather HIS PRINCESS WARRIOR, BELOVED, CHOSEN, BEAUTIFUL in HIS EYES, HIS ROYAL TREASURE, HIS LIGHT SHINER, am going to conquer with HIM.  

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;all your waves and breakers
  have swept over me." Psalm 42:7
Deep calls unto the deep...... each and every single morning when I seek HIM, I find HIM, deep in the deepest part of me, speaking straight into my heart, HIS truth, HIS promises, HIS love for me.  HIS purpose, HIS plan, HIS calling for my life.  HIS mission has become my mission, and that mission is to know HIM even more than I already do.  To surrender fully to HIM, so that HE will renew, refine, transform, and redefine WHO I am in the world's eyes, because of WHOSE I am and this is HIS.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Deep calls unto the deep..... and even though HE pours HIS promises and truth into me every day, I forget..... I forget that there is another path that is out there, one that is full of anxiety, anger, despair, jealousy, bitterness, and comparison.  A path that runs almost identical to the ONE that HE has CHOSEN specifically for me.  I know this because this past week, has been another dark week in my journey.  One of which that has leveled me, and rocked me to my core  Made me question so much of HIS promises, and seek HIM even more that I have already done.  A path that I had accepted as part of my journey....... that is until...... HIS truth was revealed to me that this subtle movement, shift in my path, has actually been a premeditated plan to trap me set forth by my enemy.  HE let me know that I didn't SEE this trap set before me, because I have been doing the best that I can in dealing with the overwhelming feelings of loss in this horrendously hard journey of walking through grief.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

What started out as HIS message coming to me LOUD and what should have been clearly received yesterday, HE made sure that I would HEAR HIM LOUD and clear this morning at 3 a.m.   HIS message to me is simply this..... STOP...... STOP looking at everyone else's life, as their lives are NOT my journey.  Now I'll be honest when I first heard HIS message I was angry, bitter, and upset that it was so insensitive.  

For you to understand what I am saying, I should take you back into my day yesterday, and well really into what last week looked like for me.  Everywhere I went I was bombarded by sweet, adorable, precious, little ones.  Little one's who had mannerisms much like my sweet Sethie.  Whose hair might have looked like his, who said, "Mama" just as he did, who pointed their finger and said "look at that, what's that?"  to "look at me!!!"  I can tell you the more I encountered the harder I fell into the sorrow that was "trying" to overtake me.  I couldn't escape,and yesterday...... well between social media, and real life, in person encounters I had reached my breaking point.

D found me laying in our bed yesterday afternoon sobbing.  Concerned as to what had upset me so much, he asked me what was wrong.  I spilled out all of the bitterness, anger, jealously, and hatred I had towards anyone and everyone WHO was experiencing what we should have been.... could have been.... might have been..... had NOT our worst nightmare come true...... had our precious son Seth NOT been taken, and if only......... Sobbing, in agony of having to be happy for others seemed such a cruel punishment for my broken, shattered Mama heart.

" But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.  Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic." James 3:14-15

D looked right at me, and spoke the harshest TRUTH..... HIS TRUTH..... he said, "this is WHY you are in counseling.  Let your counselor help you deal with YOUR memories of Seth that wreck you, DON'T look at someone else's life and compare.  Don't let their lives become YOUR journey.   STOP focusing on what is NOT your journey."   To which I responded with even more tears, and feelings of nonacceptance to grieve the loss of our precious son.  I was angry with D, being another person who just didn't understand..... WHY LORD, WHY doesn't anyone understand how hard I am trying to accept and embrace this life, but these reminders.... these glimpses....... are breaking me even more... this world is cruel, harsh, and I hate it.... please JESUS please come back and rescue me from all of this suffering.  When LORD when will my time of suffering be over??????

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119:50

"Look on my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law" Psalm 119:153

I went to bed last night feeling so incredibly defeated, feeling as if though I weighed a thousand pounds, treading water in this ocean of pain, sorrow, sadness, and anger.... the ocean that I dreaded. Tears fell silently as I prayed, LORD JESUS though I don't understand YOUR plan, I TRUST YOU LORD, please help me, please relieve this pain from my aching, shattered heart.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

After HIS loving message awakening the deepest part of me this morning, I now know that HE was preparing my heart to hear HIS next message to me as to what the next steps of my journey are to be. HE made sure that my heart was ready to hear that hard work that would be needed to be done on my part.  Through a guest speaker at our church today, HE let me know that in my life, this path, HIS plan, my journey is going to be filled with events that I am NOT going to be able to control.  However, HE is going to give me the tools, and resources so that I will be able to control my response to the events that are designed by HIM to build me even stronger, but that my enemy is hoping will destroy me.

" However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9

The more I seek HIM, HIS will, HIS way, HIS plan for my life I know HE is building me stronger.  The more I soak in, meditate on, and breathe in HIS word, the more I am learning WHO I am, because I am understanding WHO HE is.  The harder I press in, lean into HIM, the more I am learning what HIS heart looks like, how HE loves, how HE helps me in my times of need, and just how amazing HIS grace truly is.  

"For Ezra had devoted himself to the study and observance of the Law of theLord, and to teaching its decrees and laws in Israel." Ezra 7:10

I can tell you that I only knew HIM a fraction of what I know HIM now before I lost my son.  Losing Seth has broken me, shattered my heart into a billion little pieces... and slowly but surely HE is restoring, repairing, renewing my heart.  HE is filling me with HIS promise that even though I will always have a hole in my heart in the shape of Seth, HE will expand and grow my heart to hold even more love than I could possibly imagine.  I know this to be true, as HE has been preparing my heart to love, care for, and train up HIS daughter Joy Abigail.  My daughter in this world.........another precious child to call mine.  

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court." Psalm 127:3-5

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27

I am overwhelmed by HIS amazing, unfailing, relentless LOVE for me.  I am astonished by HIS plans for my life, and the path that HE is taking me on.  I am thankful to know and SEE that someone else's life is NOT my journey.   I say that because I really love knowing, and learning with each time I seek HIM just how and WHY HE created me the way HE did.  I am thankful for HIM leading me straight to a wonderful Christian counselor who is helping me learn to cope with, and honor myself and HIM in my grief.  I am thankful for a diagnosis of PTSD as I know it's NOT a life sentence, but rather a challenge to be proactive, as even though I couldn't avoid the event that happened in my life to lead me there, I can CHOOSE to FIGHT, with ALL that I am as HE WHO IS IN ME IS FAR GREATER THAN he who is in this world.  I am thankful that even when I am too weary to walk, to hold my head up, HE is there.  HE is helping me every single step of the way.  HE is setting me back on HIS path HE has CHOSEN specifically for my life, and through each new step I am taking HE is sharpening my mind, to know to SEE ALL that HE is doing, has done, and will continue to do in my life.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Gone are my needs for acceptance of this world.  For people to fill me with HOPE, with peace, with happiness, as with each new step I am taking in FAITH with HIM I am learning even more WHO I am because HE is instilling me a GREAT CONFIDENCE of WHOSE I am.  I am thankful to know that when the sorrow comes, as it will, as I have been called to walk a horrendously hard journey.  I have had an enormous calling placed on my life to BE HIS FAITHFUL FOLLOWER, HIS MESSENGER OF HOPE, HIS AMBASSADOR, even when it hurts like hell.  I am thankful to know that even on the days where sorrow is ALL I know and can SEE, HE promises to SHINE HIS light BRIGHT for me to SEE in the darkness, so I will know that even though I "feel" as if though I am ALONE, HIS promises to me are TRUE, and that is that HE WILL NEVER leave me, nor will HE EVER forsake me.  

" For Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” Romans 9:17

I am so incredibly grateful to know, declare, and SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS that HE is MINE, HE is my LORD and SAVIOR, HE IS FAITHFUL, HE IS TRUSTWORTHY, HE IS my PEACE and calm in the waves of life, and with HIM, I CAN, and will walk this journey, as with HIM I can do ANYTHING.  I am thankful to know that NOTHING that happens to me, no matter what my life's circumstances may bring to me, NOTHING can SHAKE me, NOTHING can take me from HIM.... FOREVER, ETERNALLY.... words that I cling to..... words that I can't wait to HEAR and SEE spoken from HIS loving lips when I meet HIM face to face.

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord.  With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh my dear friends,, it is my fervent prayer that if you too are suffering that you will open your heart to HIM and allow HIM to speak HIS truth into your heart that you are NOT alone.  I pray that if you are wondering how or WHY you are where you are right now, I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and that HE will show you where to walk, how to walk, as HE is pouring HIS strength, and HIS peace into you, and leading you with HIS amazing grace.  I pray that if you are feeling as if no one understands how hard your life has been, what you have been through, and what your struggles are, and have been, I pray that you will open your heart to HIM, and let HIS perfect peace flood your weary, aching heart.  I pray that you will come to know HIM, and SEE others a blessed, and when you do, you will SEE how you too are blessed, and that you will seek HIM and allow HIM to show you how someone else's life, though they may have what you want isn't your journey.  I pray that you will let go of bitterness, angry, and comparison, so that HE will show you what your own version of not my journey looks like.

Always with much love, grace, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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