To be honest I have been devastated by the loss of my son, but also the loss of who we were, and all the struggles for recovery in each of us. To watch my family fall apart while I couldn't even function to keep up with my daily tasks at hand. After a year of "trying" to do things on my own, at the loving advice of my soul sister, and therapist K, I decided I would give medicine a try. All the while I was taking it, I was resentful that this is what had become of my life.
With each month that passed, and onto each year, I felt like I was living in this cruel punishment, as not being able to raise my son with his siblings, I also had to swallow back the tears, and deal with the very fact that all my hopes and dreams that I poured out to HIM were being denied. I was so full of anger, that anytime I saw others living the life I had hoped, dreamt, and prayed for, it was my undoing. I lashed out in anger, I allowed the lies of the enemy to penetrate my heart, as the broken record played over and over. I was truly living in misery, and suffering. I was missing out on my life, and I was desperate for relief.
"Trust in the with all your heart
I wish I could say that I'm doing okay, but the truth is, okay isn't even in my vocabulary. My word that I use to describe my life is rebuilding. The hardest part of rebuilding is all the cuts, scrapes, and bruises that come with restructuring, and for me that meant, harsh reality being revealed, and pummeling my heart daily. Having the scab ripped off my heart in all the would have been and what will never be..... all of it has leveled me over and over again. Each time the walls of my heart were being torn down, I became even more discouraged. Desperate for relief, pleading and begging for HIS plans to be revealed to me, all the while hanging on by my fingertips, TRUSTING and BELIEVING in HIM, keeping HIS promises written deep in my heart. I clung to JESUS, I cling to JESUS, so that I remain anchored in HIS HOPE.
"We have this chor for the soul, firm d secure." Hebrews 6:19
I've spent the last few days immersed in immense pain, and soaked with bitter, angry, hurt, jealous, frustrated tears. I prayed, begged, and pleaded to RUN OUT OF TEARS, yet they still fell. The more I "tried" the harder I fell. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I posted a depressing picture on social media, with my words of defeat, and sadly just hating my life, hating my journey, hating the pain, just so full of hate. I went to bed last night wondering how in the hell I am going to survive the rest of my life..... this can't be all there is...... please LORD JESUS, PLEASE HELP ME.
"You keep track of all my sorrows.
This morning, I was determined to keep myself busy so not to think about anything. However because HE loves me, HE led me to TIME HOP an app on my phone. At first I was confused as to why, as the year's passed they started to reveal memories of oblivious living. When I swiped to 8 years ago there we were, my husband, my grams, and myself..... smiling.... happy completely unaware of the tragedy that she lived through, and that we would endure just a few years down the road
When I was a little girl I remember my gram telling me her life story. I had vague memories that her daughter had passed away when she was 40. I remember her tears, tears that I now understand and know as she too lost her baby. The tragedy of failed marriages, and abuse, all of it, showed in her eyes that day. She poured her heart out to me, and I was so oblivious to her raw emotions, as I was still a little girl.
As I looked at the picture on my phone, I felt HIM speak to me. HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIM telling me that though I don't feel like I can, and wonder how I will ever rebuild my life after this unimaginable loss, HE is reminding me of the one HE sent to love me unconditionally. Thinking back on my life with my grams, I smile because she was the only person in my life whom I felt safe with. She loved me with her eyes..... even her nickname for me made me smile. "Sugarbabe" is what she called me.
When I was 30 years old my grams second daughter passed away. I remember sitting with my grams at the funeral, wiping her tears from her eyes as the agony of which her words were spoken to me, "I've lost both of my kids..... ohhhh JESUS please have mercy." Being a mama to four at that time I couldn't even begin to fathom how much she hurt. I held her as she cried trembling in my arms.
Thinking back to that day, another revelation has come to me that my grams second daughter my dad's mom, she too buried one of her children, her daughter. The realization that floods my mind is that I am the 3rd generation in my family to bury a child. To me that means that both of my grandmother's suffered in this life from much of what I am now going through myself.
HE is taking me back to my childhood and allowing me to see them through HIS eyes. HE is showing me how HE led each of them through their own process of rebuilding. My grams was the most memorable to me, as she truly turned her life around, gave her life to the LORD, and loved her family fiercely. She was completely committed to living, and leaving a life of legacy modeling unconditional love to each of us. Realizing this just now, I am taken back to the last moment at my grams funeral where I felt HIM speak deep into my heart, "it's all you now, it's your turn to live and leave a legacy."
Scared, but willing, I vowed to do just that. All the while wondering what that even looked like for me...... well that is until 4pm on October 13, 2014. The day where I was shoved off a jagged cliff, which shattered my heart into a billion pieces. All the while flooded HIM with questions of how, and why, and what now, and when. Slowly but surely HE is removing the shards from my shattered heart, and healing me from the inside out. HE is giving me the tools to rebuild my life, all of which is so horrendously exhausting.
All because HE loves me, I am able to write today, I am able to smile today, I am able to just BE because I'm NOT but HE IS. Today I am overwhelmed by HIS amazing grace, unfailing love, and overwhelming peace. I am thankful that HE has shown me in my lifetime how to rebuild, and TRUSTING HIM with the process. I am learning that even though I "think" I want to be done, HE knows that I couldn't possibly fix everything at once, as it would overwhelm me even further that I already am. I am learning that I will never stop grieving my son, as I will NEVER stop loving my son. I am convinced that this is HIS plan, this rebuilding, this process, and on the days where the wounds are excruciating I will RUN to HIM, and throw myself in HIS arms, as HE will soothe and bind up my wounds so that I can continue the process with HIM. I know that HIS TRUE JOY is found in everything, as even though life hurts, HE is with me, and that for me is HIM wanting me to know HIS JOY in the heartache.
" is ; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18
"He heals the brokenhearted
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray today that if you find yourself today immersed in pain, I pray that you will know that no matter what you may have said, or done in this life, HE is there for you. HE is waiting for you, and HE is ready to pour HIS love into you, and shower you with HIS grace. When you open your heart to HIM, HE will fill you with HIS perfect peace, the kind of peace the surpasses any understanding that any of us can have. I pray that if you feel as you can't today, HE can, HE will, and when you are ready, HE will teach, lead, and guide you to rebuilding your life.
Always dear ones, always with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,