My search has led me straight to HIS loving arms.... the very same arms that have held me, comforted me, lifted me, and carried me throughout this immense heartbreak and loss of my precious Seth Daniel. I wish I could say that I've always felt HIS love for me, and in turned loved HIM, sadly.... I've been more angry at HIM that HE allowed such immense heartbreak and loss in my life, and my families life.
Anger has overflowed as each rough day of grief hits with my children, and when the enemy taunts each of us of what we had, lost, and will NEVER have again...... to which we give in, get angry, scream, shout, and fall apart. Angry tears flow from my eyes more often than tears of sadness. Anger that NOT only did we lose Seth, but we lost our lives.... what I mean is NOTHING is nor will EVER be the same ever again. This more than anything angers me..... but because HE loves me, and I'm clinging to HIS promises to me, I'm searching for HIS TRUTH, to speak, to breathe in, to meditate on, to soak in, to LIVE OUT, all for HIS purpose for my life.
Even in my anger I still hear HIS voice, HIS voice of TRUTH telling me that HE understands why I am angry, but filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that even though I may not SEE it or know it, HE is, has, and will continue to work EVERYTHING out for my good. This..... is my greatest struggle..... trusting HIM, that the BEST IS YET TO COME and EVERYTHING is in HIS TIMING and NOT mine.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
In search of healing has found me falling to my knees repenting, seeking HIM, HIS will, HIS way for my life. Searching so much that tomorrow, I am stepping out of my protective shell and going to church for the first time in over three months. Truthfully I've missed it terribly, but the very thought of meeting anyone new, or having to talk to someone once knew.... I say that because, once knew is before my life was devastatingly altered the moment I found Seth lifeless...... so even missing church, feeling alive, honestly has scared the hell out of me.
In search of healing has created an immense desire in me to know HIM even more that I already do, to BE HIS ambassador, HIS living messenger, HIS CHOSEN, HIS BELOVED, HIS Daughter, whom HE cares for and loves more deeply than anyone ever could. This desire I know and BELIEVE is what HE planted, and deeply rooted in me many years ago, so that in the darkest, most devastatingly tragic season of my life, I would be able to press in, lean in, cling to, to BE HIS LIGHT, and claim HIS promises for my life, as my FAITH in HIM, kept me ANCHORED to HIM through HIS promise of HOPE for eternity with HIM.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain" Hebrews 6:19
Yesterday as I was driving I found myself drowning in tears once again..... crying out, "LORD people.... they just don't understand..... I don't want to hurt anymore, I hate this, I hate missing Seth.... I miss him so terribly... my Sethie.... oh my Sethie..... please LORD.... hug him and kiss him for me....." as more tears fell, my prayers changed, and evolved into, "LORD I need YOU in all of this, I NEED YOU to show me, lead me, and teach me, how to BE, do, think, and speak so that I will BE SHINING YOUR LIGHT in the darkness of grief. As soon as my prayers changed, I felt lighter, as HE dried my tears, and flooded me with HIS PEACE. The rest of my drive home, HE filled me with HIS promises, and reminded me of ALL of HIS blessings that HE has filled my life with.
"I remain confident of this:
I wish so badly I could say that whenever I feel sad, I just run to HIM in search of healing, however that is not always true. Most of the time..... ugh I have this problem in being human, and well my emotions, they get the best of me. They lead me, and feed me. I guess you could say I'm emotionally led, and fed...... which makes walking through grief even harder as I fall apart more, and gain even more weight.
In search of healing has started me on another journey of weight loss, this time for my health, as I'm at the highest weight I've ever been. This past month my oldest daughter M blessed me with a gym membership, and promised to be my partner, my workout buddy for this entire journey. I am so thankful and grateful for this sweet girl, my first born whom I get to call mine.
In search of healing has opened my eyes to HIS JOY, my precious baby girl Joy who is eight months old today. Through Joy HE has fulfilled many of HIS promises to our family. Through Joy I'm laughing again,with a deeper appreciation and understanding of just how blessed I am to have this precious baby girl to hold. Through Joy.... through Seth.... I know can SEE my children through HIS eyes, as HIS BELOVED, HIS CHOSEN, HIS LIGHT SHINERS, and am able to seek HIM to teach, lead, and guide them to HIM, HIS promises, HIS love, HIS grace, HIS peace, and HIS mercy so that they too will be ABLE to live out HIS purpose for each of their lives.
In search of healing was placed on my heart today through yet another song, this one by Chris Tomlin, titled JESUS. How fitting, as the lyrics began to flood my ears,and flow into my heart, and seep deep into my weary soul. Renewing my spirit with HIS blessed assurance that HE is indeed for me, and NOT against me, and in choosing to speak HIS TRUTH, claim HIS promises for my life, that is how I will know that my healing is held in HIS hands.
Today my dear brothers and sisters I will leave you with the lyrics of this powerful song that led me straight into HIS loving arms, to BE HIS light, in darkness of this life for those who are grieving and suffering.