On a rainy ordinary Monday in October I was shoved off a cliff into the deepest abyss of pain I've ever known. For months I clung to the only thing I knew, and that was JESUS was with me. HE was with me to catch every single tear, and heard my cries of agony as I tried so desperately to survive my life without my son Seth. Though I would make strides in healing and recovery, I became extremely frustrated that I couldn't seem to figure how to grieve... let alone live. For months I was the strong, courageous, inspiring woman of GOD, that is until....... it became so hard to fight the massive demons that were attacking myself, and my family. On that rainy ordinary day in October, our family was forever changed, and the abyss that we plunged into..... we didn't know if we'd all survive, and it was all I could do was pray that we would all reach the surface once again.
During my time in the abyss, I was the most angry, confused, and devastated I've ever been in my life. I hated everyone and everything that was challenging me and questioning me. I was so jealous of everyone around me, as my world shattered, but theirs continued on happily, and untouched. The enemy had my faith in a vice grip, constantly chastising me for BELIEVING in HIM, and continuously pointing out how much I was missing out on. Still I clung to JESUS, I clung to my FAITH, and I prayed that I would ride out this massive storm. My anger reached a boiling point when I realized that the world was trying to erase my son. The moment I had that realization the enemy was relentless in getting me to imprison myself with all of his lies. Being devastated, exhausted, and completely drained it didn't take much to get me to believe, and see the worst in almost everyone.
I was angry that it "seemed" as though no one cared, didn't call, didn't come over, didn't invite us to anything. It seemed as though people were letting us down right and left, and there were few of those who did speak to us, they were kind and compassionate, yet distant.... and anyone else who was bold enough to speak criticized us for how we were dealing with life. Little did I know at that point, HIS warriors, our Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST began to flood HEAVEN with prayers for peace, strength, love, that was the biggest of all. Love was so important because HE wanted us to know how much HE loved us. Through baby steps I would learn just how much HE loves us.
In March of this year I had an awakening. It was subtle at first, yet it didn't take long for the warrior within me to begin to emerge. It happened with a challenge from my husband, and was solidified with a talk with a dear sister in CHRIST. She asked me, "How are you with JESUS? Do you feel like you hear HIM? Do you feel like your close to HIM?" The next two days I couldn't stop thinking about her questions, and D's challenge. On the third day I realized what I needed to do..... and I found my self with my journal and pen in hand, and I wrote four simple words..... "JESUS please help me...."
Over the next month and a half HE had me focus on my thoughts. Just getting my mindset right again took some doing. Thinking on purpose the way HE wanted me to proved to be difficult at first, but as time went on my memories of all the power thoughts I have learned over the years came flooding back and I realized that HE was taking me through yet another breakthrough.
It would be exactly 2.5 years after plunging into the abyss that I would finally emerge, and for the first time I wasn't aching with pain, I was seeking HIM, I was ready to live my life. It was on April 13,2017 that my warrior within began to stand, and before long, with my mind being sharpened by HIS word daily, I gained the confidence to face whatever would come my way.
I always knew that HE was capable of binding up my wounds, yet I wasn't sure how, and honestly I was scared to have them bound, as if somehow it meant that I was okay with losing my son. However, because HE loves me so relentlessly HE didn't let me stay in that mindset, and began to fill me with HIS HOPE that I could do this, that I was doing it, and with HIM leading me I would be able to run this race.
Two weeks ago HIS teachings became very real to me, as one of my children were struggling with how to live a happy life, when everything around and within hurts. It was in that moment that I prayed for HIS wisdom to speak HIS words to my child, and I felt as if though for the first time I was speaking HIS word with confidence, and not just from memory. On that day I said to her, "life as a girl in this family, oh honey is NEVER going to be easy, but honey I promise you this, HIS glory, oh sweet girl, is in ALL of it, and when we give HIM the glory, HE will strengthen us, and refine, and renew us, and IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT."
She hugged me and said through her tears, "Thank you Mama for being so brave, for showing me, and helping me to see that HE hasn't forgotten about me." It was in that moment that I realized something. I've been dealt a tough hand in life, and each time I was knocked down, I got back up, and the reason why I was able to do so is because I am FIGHTER, I AM A WARRIOR. With HIM I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR. No matter what happens to me in this lifetime, NOTHING I am completely convinced, TRUST and KNOW that NOTHING could ever separate me from my HEAVENLY FATHER.
Not long after the talk with my daughter, a dear friend of mine called me, and let me know that she was so worried about me, and wanted me to know that she feared that one day this would all be too much for me, and I would do something. I had to laugh, as surely she couldn't be serious, but then I realized, would anyone blame me if I did? Probably not, however if anyone who really knows me, they would know that I am tenacious, I am a FIGHTER, I am NOT a quitter, and I will NEVER give up, I will NEVER be silent of WHO HE IS, WHAT HE HAS DONE, and WHAT I KNOW HE WILL do through me and for me, ALL for HIS GLORY. My final thought I had was this, "I didn't suffer through all of the life, just so some loser could win, the enemy may have robbed me from having a happy life at times, but through HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE I know that I am living a BLESSED life, because I know that no matter what happens during my run, my race, its ALL for HIM, and my reward, oh my dear friends is this, "Eternity, blissful, peaceful, peace filled, PRAISING HIM, holding my son in my arms ETERNAL LIFE."
I may not be who I once was, but I am grateful for that, as I am now stronger, and have a deeper connection to HEAVEN that I could have ever had before. I know that test, trials, and storms are in my future, yet I don't fear, as I know WHO holds my future.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, friends, I pray that you will know that if you are hurting HE is there. HE is there to hold you, carry you, teach you, strengthen you and build you strong as HE knows your Warrior within and all that you are capable of, because of WHOSE you are. We are warriors, more than conquerors, even when we feel like were moving a snails pace. Trust HIM my friends, trust in HIM and rest in HIM, and I pray you too will SEE all the good HE is doing in your life, for you, because HE loves you.
Always my sweet friends, with so much love, compassion, understanding, and prayers,
Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,