For months now I've sat silently in my home, tears sometimes streaming down my face as each memory of life with Seth and reality of life without him becomes more real. With each passing day I'm faced with the daunting task of moving forward..... towards accepting and embracing....... I struggle to even write that because how do I ever accept that losing Seth has always been a part of HIS plan? Grief has left me in its dust, shattered, broken, angry, bitter, jealous..... and so desperately missing my sweet little Seth.
With each new day I wake up, I pray and ask, "will today be the day that I begin to heal? Will today be the day that accepting and embracing won't hurt so much, and be so tremendously hard? How LORD, how do I live this life? How do I carry on with my life, forever changed after this unimaginable loss?" As I sit with my sweet baby girl in my arms, I wonder how it is that I am to TRUST the ONE WHO loves me more than anyone else ever possibly could...... when after all that I have been through in my lifetime..... HE chose, HE allowed this heart wrenching loss in my life? How could HE possibly break my heart so badly, level me, and challenge my FAITH at every level? How will I ever be able to trust HIM again?
So they say there is fives stages of grief, and one of them being anger...... I hate that one..... ugh.... I cry at the thought of being angry anymore. I cry because this life just says, "choose happiness...." and yet at every turn reality is slammed in my face, and my heart is wrenched even further as I am taunted by what I won't have, and what I am missing out on. UGH.... grief is exhausting, and if I am not careful, I can get lost in my emotions, and caught up in the enemies lies that are designed to destroy me.
Sometimes...... I cry.... I give in, I curse, I yell, and I shake my fist at GOD..... at people..... at life..... and when my tantrum is over..... I fall apart..... repenting, seeking forgiveness..... all the while placing another brick to the wall of self loathing. It's a vicious cycle, one of which HE has been letting me know is NOT a part of HIS plan for my life, in reminding me that HE can take it, ALL of it, even when I am so angry, mad, and pissed off at HIM for wrecking my life, my children's lives, my husbands life, for wrecking, and leveling, and forever changing our family..... ALL of it HE can take..... and HE will until HIS grace covers EVERY single feeling of emotion with sorrow, sadness, pain, and loss is said, and felt.
Grieving with grace...... is something my therapist has been helping me understand. Loving me, why because HE loves me. Even when I'm angry, sad, upset, and screaming at HIM how much I HATE my life, and how could HE do this to me..... even when angry, bitter tears of betrayal, bitterness, and jealousy fall like rain as I drown in oceans of sadness, sorrow, and pain. HE loves me, HE chooses me still.... in the midst of it all.
HE is wanting me to open my eyes and seek HIM so that I will SEE that HE is doing something new, HE has amazing plans for my life. HE wants me to remember that HE hasn't forgotten me, or my family, HE'S there, HE'S in the details of it all. Covering each of of us in HIS grace, shielding us, protecting us, and flooding us with HIS peace. HE is there, weeping with us, catching every singleso badne of our tears.
HE is telling me that HE hears every single one of my cries for my children. Tears that scream, "what about my child, why doesn't he/she matter?" HE is telling me that just as HE loves me the more than anyone ever possibly would, or could, so does HE love each of them. (I forget that..... I NEED to be reminded)
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how I lost my mind in the moment that I realized Seth was lifeless in his bed..... HE was there as I struggled to comprehend, and even utter a word..... HE was there as I screamed Seth's name over and over..... and cried for help. HE was there flooding me with HIS peace so that I was able to dial 911 and give our address five times, only to be told they couldn't find us..... HE was there. HE was there as I ran down the stairs screaming....."Oh my GOD, Oh my GOD Seth's dead..... he's dead......" scaring my already frightened children. (That is something that I have struggled to forgive myself about....scaring my sweet babies)
HE is telling me that HE knows the thoughts of regret that rush through my mind, as I try desperately to find the right formula where the outcome wouldn't be losing Seth. The thoughts of "if only....." HIS grace covers those too, and lovingly and gently reminding me that HE is SOVEREIGN, and that no matter what I may have done sooner, or whatever.... the outcome would still be the same.
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much my heartaches every time I see brothers playing together, and hear of a precious little one turning two.... three..... and soon to be four..... HE'S there, and HE wants me to remember that. HE wants me to be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE knows, HE cares, and HE isn't angry or upset, or frustrated, or mad, or any other thoughts of self loathing I have towards myself.
Today HIS Daily Teachings is simply this, "be gracious to yourself Dear Heart.... I am with you.... I will show you the way, lead you, and guide you through this life's challenges of grieving with grace.
My dear sweet friends, thank you so much for your continued prayers of support and love, and for faithfully reading my blog. I pray that my journey will be a comfort for those who are hurting, that in the midst of your pain and suffering HE is there. Reach out to HIM, and know that no matter how much you think you are failing HIS grace covers it all.
Always in love, and prayers,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,