Sunday, April 26, 2015


If I ever even doubted for one second whether or NOT HE loves me, let me tell you about the past three days of my life.  Beginning on Thursday I was blessed to be apart of 2600 women WHO began to hear this amazing message from HIM about  Past the Wishing when it came to courage and bravery.  What began as what I "thought" as just an encouraging message, would soon break me in ways that I had yet to be broken in this journey of grief that I am walking with HIM.

On Friday the guest speaker was Singer/Songwriter Natalie Grant.  She sat down with her guitarist and began to sing an acoustic set.  She told the stories of how the songs that she was singing came to be, WHO they were about etc.  As soon as she began to tell the story of her friend whose two month old died suddenly in her arms with NO warning.... well the alarm bells began to go off in my head, as to say, "brace yourself Heather, your a goner....."  It was then she began to sing "Held."  

"Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing. To think that providence. Would take a child from his mother, While she prays, is appalling"

Before I knew it, the tears began to flow, and I found sixty women all praying for me, these women that HE so lovingly picked to be my soul sisters.  They all gathered around me, jumped over me to get closer to me, held my hands, my arms, my legs, my shoulders, every part of me was being prayed for as I sat there, drenched in tears, coming completely undone.

The tears didn't stop at that song, as she went right into the next song called "better hands" which took me even deeper into my tears, and out into the waves of sorrow.  Finishing off the set with "it is well with my soul"  where I slowly began to be able to breathe again, as my soul sisters were still beside me, holding me, praying for me, and over me.  Rows and Rows of women, my soul sisters  WHOM I would find out later that were all rallying around me. 

When the worship time was over, my soul sister N sat beside me, held my hand, and with tears streaming down her face she said, "you can't do this alone, you are SO loved, we love you.... you have to let us help you with this.  You have to let us carry this with you.  You don't have to do this alone."

While I was sitting there paralyzed in tears, and mortified that I was coming completely undone while sitting with 2600 women,  HE began to speak to my heart.  

"Do you know how much I love you?  Can you feel MY love?  You don't have to do any of this alone.... can you feel MY arms around you?  I'm holding you..... I know how much it hurts, I know how much you miss Seth....... I know how hard this is, and how broken your heart is.  I am here, I am always here, holding you...... you can BE BRAVE because I am with you, and I'm NEVER going to leave you."

I wish I could say that is ALL it took, however since we've already established in ALL of my other posts that I am indeed a sloooooow learner.  It took until late last night, as I kept thinking about every thing that I heard at the conference.  Asking HIM, what would it look like for me to move Past the Wishing in grieving the loss of my precious son Seth?  HE began to speak so clearly to my heart, by bringing me right back into the messages I have been hearing for the past year really.

It is of NO coincidence that that theme of MOPS this past year was BE YOU BRAVELY. That I would be given a courage key just three short weeks before I would lose my precious little one year old.   That a beautiful necklace representing my children and a another key that said "BRAVE" would be gifted to me so lovingly by one of my mentor mom's, and soul-sister.  I am NOT surprised that I was given a necklace yesterday that says "I am BRAVE."   Knowing full well that HE teaches me in themes I am NOT surprised that the message at church the past few weeks has been about "I've got this, not that I Heather, got this, but rather HE, my LORD and SAVIOR, GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, my CREATOR has got this.  This being ALL of my pain, sadness, sorrow, anguish, tears, suffering, grief, JOY, light, purpose, ALL of it, HE's got this!"

HIS Daily Teachings today is speaking straight to my heart about how with HIM, and through HIM, I can, and I will BE BRAVE.  Through a song we sang at this conference called "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Church.  HE lead me straight to the song on Youtube, playing it over and over again, till HIS message penetrates my heart, and shuts out, shuts down, and shuts up the lies of the enemy that I'm broken, NEVER to be fixed, rather I will always be depressed, sad, upset, and angry with HIM for allowing this tragedy to happen to my family.

"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding tothe truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44

HIS voice is coming in LOUD and CLEAR.  It's time for me to BE BRAVE.  To BE BRAVE in my tears, and NOT hide them from the HELP, HIS HOLY SPIRIT that HE is sending through each of my soul sisters and brothers  to help shoulder this horrendous burden of grieving my precious sweet baby Sethie.  HE is telling me it's time for me to BE BRAVE in my pain, NOT that I won't feel my pain, but so that I will know that my pain is for a purpose, for HIS great purpose, that it means something.  That though it seems so incredibly unfair in this lifetime, HE promises one day I will understand that everything that HE allows will be made right by HIM.  

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever" John 14:16

" He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

HE is wanting me to know that it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to celebrate HIS JOY in my life.  HE is telling me that HE knows how I've been holding back in celebrating, as I have feared in doing so, it's like forgetting that my son died, what our family went through, and that in choosing HIS JOY I am leaving my precious little Seth behind.  HE knows this very thought stops me in my tracks, and brings me straight to my knees. 

"May he be pleased by all these thoughts about him, for he is the source of all my joy." Psalm 104:34

HE is telling me it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to be brought to my knees.  That when I allow HIM to bring me to HIM, as when I'm on my knees, I'm in full surrender, as that is when I realize I can't do any of this without HIM.  HE is telling me that with HIM and through HIM HE will teach me to BE BRAVE enough to grieve.  Just thinking about what that means, breaks me even further, as truthfully I'm afraid to grieve anymore than I already have.

" I have cried until the tears no longer come; my heart is broken, my spirit poured out, as I see what has happened to my people; little children and tiny babies are fainting and dying in the street" Lamentations 2:11

"He is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trusted in him, and he helped me. Joy rises in my heart until I burst out in songs of praise to him." Psalm 28:7

HE is telling me that HE knows, and wants me to rend my heart to HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through my grief, so HE can speak HIS truth through my grief, so that I will feel HIS amazing love, and in feeling how much HE loves me, I will be filled with HIS strength....... enough strength to BE BRAVE.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing—" Joel 2:13-14

HE is wanting me to know that its time for me to move Past the Wishing that I could BE BRAVE enough to let others in.  The help that HE has sent specifically for me, to help me, so that I would have HIS constant reminder that I am NEVER alone.  HE is letting me know that HE knows how much I hurt when I am being put through the fire.  So much that HE sent my soul sister M to speak HIS words straight to my heart yesterday in reminding me of the process of refining a diamond.  The moment she spoke, HE took me back into my early days of my walk with HIM, in reminding me what my therapist taught me about how when we go through these really hard things in our lives, it's like the refining process of a diamond.

"This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people, and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God." Zechariah 13:9

"For you, God, tested us;  you refined us like silver." Psalm 66:10

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."Isaiah 48:10

" These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

HE is telling me that today I can BE BRAVE enough to be put through the fire.  HE is promising that HE will soothe the parts that ache from the refining process, and that with each time I allow HIM to refine me, HE will strengthen and grow my FAITH in HIM, and for HIM.  HE is telling me that with each step I take deep into the fire, HE promises that I will emerge even stronger that I was when I was BRAVE enough to step into the fire. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:1-3

HE is wanting me to BE BRAVE enough to surrender ALL of me, so that HE can teach me to SHINE HIS light.   HE is asking me once again to be ALL IN with HIM, so that I will know that NO matter what happens in my life, HE will be there to help me.  HE is speaking straight to my heart in saying it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to face my paralyzing fear of loss.  

" Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.” Luke 11:36

HE is telling me that HE knows, HE SEE's how much I am struggling to TRUST HIM completely, as there is a deep and real fear of going ALL IN, as the fear of loss weighs so heavily on every decision I am making these days.  HE is reminding me that HE NEVER said I wouldn't have fear,rather that when I felt fear, felt afraid, I can be rest assured through HIS Blessed Assurance that HE is there, and when I seek HIM, HE will make me BRAVE as HE will give me the courage to withstand the storm, and will give me the patience to endure the suffering while I wait on HIS timing and HIS provision to bring me through the fire. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

As if the songs, the messages weren't enough at the conference, HE is reminding me of HIS word that was spoken in such a way that when I realized what I was hearing, I couldn't help but to smile, as it was then HE took me back into this past November and HIS vision, that HE placed deep into my heart.  A vision that I would begin to pray for, and pray over fervently for the past almost six months.  A vision that HE would place deep into my heart just one month into grieving the loss of my precious son.  A vision that in HIS timing I will reveal to you all, as I can't wait, as HE is just that GOOD, and it just solidifies how much HE loves me, and how much HE desires greatly for me to NOT only know of HIS love, but to experience HIS amazing, unfailing, unconditional, unending, and relentless love.  

"And then God answered: “Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness
pointing to what’s coming.It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time." Habakkuk 2:2-3 The Message Bible

HE is reminding me of the dinner I had Monday night with my soul sister S where she she lovingly spoke that the reason why I struggle so deeply  with being told that I am BRAVE, Strong, and an inspiration is because the reason I am ALL of those things is because I have suffered such tremendous loss.   HE is telling me that is HIS TRUTH, and in knowing that I am learning that I am ALL of those things because HE made me that way.

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day." Psalm 139:14 The Message Bible

HE is the ONE WHO makes me BRAVE.  HE is the ONE WHO has called me into the ocean and allows the waves to crash over me, to teach me to depend on HIM fully.  HE is the ONE WHO teaches me daily that I am a mess, HIS beautiful mess.  HE is wanting me to know that NEVER do I have to cringe at ALL that I am, as I am HIS, and HE made me,and allowed the things that HE did, so bring me close to HIM, so that HE could transform, renew, and refine me to be like HIM.

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers
 have swept over me." Psalm 42:7

HE is telling me that today is the day that I choose to let go..... to allow HIM to BE BRAVE enough to let HIM break me.   HE is promising that though I am broken, I am beautifully broken, and that HE is putting me back together.  In such a way that the more I am brought out into the ocean, the harder the waves will have to crash to even make me move.  

"The Lord of Heaven’s Armies has spoken—who can change his plans?When his hand is raised,  who can stop him?” Isaiah 14:27

Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to admit that I need HIM.  Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to follow HIM, as HE is my LORD and SAVIOR.  Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to be right where HE has placed me, and even though it's NOT where I want to be, I will praise HIM, as I am NO where near where I used to be.  Today I am writing this blog, HIS loving message to ALL of you WHO are reading this that it's time for ALL of us to BE BRAVE enough to TRUST HIM, to know that HE is AUTHOR and the Perfecter of our FAITH, and HE will NEVER fail us, NOT even once.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

" Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Roman 12:12

"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  it is my fervent prayer that you will know that though the world may teach you that suffering is weak and that in order to be a "true Christian" all you have to do is have stronger faith, that somehow you have failed if you are suffering as you lacked in FAITH.  I pray that you will know that it is because of your FAITH in trusting HIM, and allowing HIM to put you through the fire, that HE is refining, renewing, restoring, and and transforming you.  I pray today that if you too are suffering you will know that you are NEVER alone and with HIM, and through HIM you will choose to BE BRAVE.

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

with so much love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

crabby vs. content

Okay so confession time...... yesterday was NOT a day that I am proud of, nor do I ever want to relive.  Yesterday in fact I had the WORST attitude that I have had in quite some time.  So much in fact that HE woke me up this morning at 4 am to let me know that my tantrum time was over, and it was time for HIM to continue doing a good work in me, and that meant that I needed to NOT only get my heart right with HIM, but also my thoughts, words, and actions.  

"A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit." Matthew 7:18

Yesterday I was less than honoring in ALL of those things.  So much in fact in thinking about the things I said and did yesterday because of how I felt, I know that I pretty much just jumped off the cliff of honoring HIM.  To be honest, I was tired, I was upset at people, and well I was just plain crabby.  At every turn yesterday I was met with opposition, meaning I didn't agree with what people were saying or doing in my life, and the more I was confronted, the angrier I got, the more I cursed, and cursing became my form of communication.  It didn't matter that I knew I wasn't being honoring, I was upset, I was discontented, I was angry, and overall I was just crabby.

"In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" Ephesians 4:26

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me straight back to yesterday and showing me where HE was speaking straight to my heart, yet I wasn't having any of it.  So much at one point I was talking to my brother about how I felt about certain things, and I cursed, and said, "please don't tell this person that I did that...."  guilt was rising, but so was my anger. At every turn yesterday HE was sending me HIS whispers, and as each minute passed on the clock, I became even more crabby.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."Ephesians 4:29

It is of no surprise to me that my devotional was about bearing good fruit.  As soon as I read the title, I cringed..... I knew.... and in that very moment I was so incredibly thankful for HIS promise that HE fulfills ALL of the time that HIS mercies are new every morning.  As I began to read HIS word, ALL of the events of yesterday flooded my mind, and I knew that it was time for me to get my heart right with HIM.  It was time for me to choose.... It was battle time of crabby vs. content.

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

HE is wanting me to know that being crabby is the worlds answer to ALL of life's problems. Especially when life isn't going my way.  So much in fact it encourages, it entices me, and ultimately deceives me by telling me that its completely understandable why I am being the way that I am, and saying the things that I am saying.  After all I have suffered an unthinkable loss of my precious son, so that pretty much gives me a free pass, to think, say, and do whatever makes me FEEL better.  

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." Galatians 6:7

HE is reminding me that I am NOT of this world, therefore I cannot expect for worldly answers to my life's problems.  Instead I must seek HIM, and ask HIM to calm my racing heart, and fill my thoughts, words, and actions with things that are noble, lovely, and true.  It other words, things that HE would think, say and do, because HE is JESUS CHRIST my SAVIOR and because I was so lovingly created to BE just like HIM in ALL of my thoughts, words, and actions.

" Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Oh how quickly I jumped off the cliff yesterday of reason, and dived right into the dishonoring sea of insults, cursing, and negativity.  HE is telling me that HE understands WHY I feel the way I do, but that isn't an excuse to be anything less than GOD honoring in ALL of my thoughts, words, and actions.  YIKES!!! HE is calling me out in the most loving way onto the carpet and letting me know that though there isn't any condemnation in CHRIST JESUS, HE is still going to hold me accountable for ALL of my thoughts, words, and actions.  

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1

" Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God." Romans 3:19

HE is reminding me that in my choosing to pick up my cross daily and follow HIM means that I am HIS Ambassador.  This means that I represent HIM, NOT this world.  HE is reminding me once again the utmost importance of LIVING in this world, but knowing that it is NOT my home.  Today HE is filling me with HIS loving reminder of HIS perspective which is a Heavenly Perspective.  Today HE is wanting me to know that I must guard my every thought as if I don't how quickly I will find myself standing on the edge of the cliff, and rest assured that it won't take much for me to jump off.

"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

HE is wanting me to know that in putting on HIS new nature means that I now have HIS wisdom, and that means that though the world is angering me, HE is wanting me to know that in HIM, always in HIM is where I will find total peace and contentment.  HE is telling me that I never have to worry whether or NOT HE sees the unfair things that are happening to me, or how others are speaking to me.  HE is reminding me that when I seek HIM, HE will fill me with HIS strength to withstand, to endure the harshness of this world.  

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

HE is reminding me once again that I live in HIS Kingdom and that means that I am to be doing GOOD WORKS for HIS Kingdom, not spreading hateful, hurtful, dishonoring behavior all around.  This very thought makes me cringe, as I know yesterday I did just that. In knowing that I am even more convinced that I couldn't possible live even a moment of this life on my own, as how quickly I become weak when I am NOT tapped into HIS unending reservoir of HIS living water, that enables me to speak Life.  

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

" Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

" Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:38

HE is reminding me once again that though I am living in HIS Kingdom in my thoughts, words, and actions, I am still living in this world, as I must NEVER forget that this world is the devils playground.  HE is letting me know this morning that rather than letting me fall even further into the sea of negativity HE is wanting to pour HIS contentment in me, so that when I find myself back on the battle field of crabby vs. content I will remember what my ONE day was like without HIM, and remember how horrible I felt, and how at the end of the day I was repenting as asking HIM to create in me a clean heart. 

" For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." Galatians 5:17

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

This morning HE has once again captured my heart and full attention to understand and know that without HIM living this life in an honoring way is impossible.  Therefore, I must choose to NEVER be apart from HIM, rather I must be pressing in, and leaning into HIS good works, HIS words, and HIS love.  I must choose to react to the circumstances of my life in the way that brings ALL PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY to HIM.  

“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things,and by your will they were created and have their being.” Revelation 4:11
HE is asking me to TRUST HIM that in HIS timing and through HIS provision HE will make all that is wrong, unfair, and cruel good in my life.  HE is wanting me to know that this doesn't mean that things will be easy, but with HIM, and through HIM it will be possible.  HE is telling me that today is HIS gift to me, to do things HIS way, to seek HIM, to think, say, and do things that will be honoring to HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that when I do, HE will get the GLORY, and I will be on the receiving end of HIS amazing love, an favor being poured into and through my life.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

For this very reason is WHY I am declaring once again that I have decided to follow JESUS, and there is NO turning back.  For this very reason I am choosing to say that when I find myself back on the battlefield of crabby vs. content I am choosing content as I know that ALL I want is to be close to HIM, as when I am close to HIM, with HIM it's the only time I feel as if though I can conquer this life that is full of hardships, tests, trials, and storms.

" May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had" Romans 15:5

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that in my transparency that you will SEE that even those strong in FAITH have bad days.  It doesn't mean that we are giving up, rather that even being CHRIST-like there is still a real battle of the flesh vs. spirit  a.k.a crabby vs. content.  I pray today that you will know that only way to choose is content as that is where you will find HIS goodness, HIS mercy, HIS grace, and be filled by HIS love. I pray today that if you too are struggling with things being unfair in your life, that you will have the courage to let go of doing things your way, the worlds way, and choose to seek HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide you to do things HIS way.  I pray that when you do HE will overflow your life in abundance with HIS blessings and favor.

Always with great compassion and understanding with HIS love, peace, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Monday, April 20, 2015


Saturday was probably one of the saddest, most difficult days since losing Seth.  That morning we woke up knowing what the day had in store, and that was D and I were going to be packing up our precious one year old son's room.  Walking into his room, sighing as I knew what was about to happen.  Tears fell before the first box was even put together.  Looking around one last time, soaking in the way it looked, seeing all of his things all together for the last time...... knowing.... feeling.... my pain was about to go to another level.

D began in his closet, that he shared with his older brother.  We packed away all of our oldest son's things for his new room in our new home.  We went through the million blankets that were in the closet that both brothers loved to build forts with........... thinking about those forts, and many sleep overs in their room on the floor....... staying up late watching movies..... laughing, giggling, and wrestling as brothers do..... tears fell as blankets were packed, and memories were tucked away into my heart.... and the pain that I felt was rising to another level.

The deeper D dug into the closet, the more memories came flooding out.  Brothers forever, that is what everything that he placed lovingly into each of the boxes.  The matchbox cars given to the boys as special gifts, never opened..... knowing that Seth would never play cars with his older brother again..... looking to my left and seeing the cars ramp that both boys played with together on an almost daily basis........ tears fell harder with each blink, and my pain was continue to rise to another level.

The clothes basket that has been sitting in his closet for almost six months now..... containing all of his favorite most recently worn clothes.  All of which I REFUSED to put away in his dresser as I knew it would be the last time I would do that.  Trying to desperately to avoid the next level of pain that was crushing my heart, and making it so incredibly hard to breathe.  Seeing the basket that I had been avoiding all this time, knowing.... his shoes, his socks..... his pajamas.... all of which I would never be putting on him ever again...... tears streaming down my face, I felt the cries of my heart starting to rise out of my chest just as they did the moment I found my precious son lifeless..... pain at yet another level.

D and I had purchased a fifty gallon tote and placed it at the end of our bed on the night of our sixteenth wedding anniversary.  We knew that eventually we would fill this tote with all the precious memories of our sweet baby Sethie.  We knew that we needed a place to hold all of the things that he held dear to himself, that we now clung to as it was all that we had left of him.... physically that is. Pain that night as we placed it at the foot of our bed..... pain at another level..... 

With such loving, gentle care, D held up each piece of clothing of our precious baby, and tears fell even harder.  The only answer I had to give was hope chest, or keep.  If I didn't answer anything D knew I had no emotional attachment to it, and he put in the donation box.   Seeing the favorite shirts from all the pictures that we have our precious son..... I felt as if those my heart would stop beating.... it took my breath away, and tears fell even hard, and cries from my heart burst out, as my pain was felt at another level.

Pain, sorrow, anguish, and tears flooded my every thought, every word..... my everything.... I was crushed..... I was angry, I was bitter, and I was so incredibly..... unimaginably..... indescribably......  heartbroken. D wiped his eyes, with such deep sorrow written all over his face.  He kept lovingly placing all of Seth's clothes in the tote, pausing with each one, reliving the precious memories with me.... our sweet baby boy, gone.... way too soon...... our cries of anguish that we were just getting to know this amazing little person that HE had entrusted into our care.  His personality fully intact, he was just beginning to talk like a big boy..... we had amazing fall and winter planned for our boys...... and our girls...... those plans just over, with no warning..... pain of losing those dreams.....those plans...... felt at at whole other level.

Finally it was time to go through his toys...... pain was crushing my heart, yet I was still breathing... tear stained face, trembling I stood up and walked over to his shelves, and began telling D what toys needed to go into his Hope Chest.  Stopping when I saw his little red car that he so dearly loved and cherished, and his little four wheeler.... both of which brought me to my knees.... pain like I hadn't felt since that day I lost Seth..... pain at another level.

When the last box was packed and the tote was full, I began to have chest pains..... I had cried so hard, that I was experiencing physical pain at a whole new level.  Though I had cried oceans of tears since that day, and for the past now 27 weeks.....I had yet to feel as those I were losing him all over again.  However little did I know or realize that day HE was taking my TRUST in HIM to a whole other level.

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS promise to me that though I will have to experience pain at a whole new level.... I can be rest assured through HIS Blessed Assurance that when I choose to trust HIM, HE will be there, HE will help me, and HE will bring my FAITH in HIM to a whole new level. HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how hard Saturday was for me, and HE knew that my heart was being crushed with each item being placed into his tote.  HE is telling me that HE heard my cries of anguish knowing that my precious little boys life, all of his physical things fit into one fifty gallon tote, and the harsh reality that sadly this was my story, HIS story of a Mama losing her precious little boy one ordinary day during his nap time.  

"Lord, hear my prayer,  listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief." Psalm 143:1

HE is wanting me to know that my pain, my anguish, my sorrow is known by HIM.  HE knows how much I cry, and how often I cry myself to sleep.  HE is telling me that HE was there, holding me yesterday when words were spoken in love, and they stung, as the harsh reality of my story was truly felt, as when I try so hard to just accept what is, my heart won't let me, and I find myself asking HIM once again WHY???

" In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10

HE is telling me that with each why??? that my broken Mama heart cries, HE hears, and HE will use as another way for HIM to pour HIS blessings and favor all over my life, so that I will be able to experience HIS amazing, relentless, unfailing, unconditional love.  HE is wanting me to know that though I may not understand or SEE how this could possibly be the plan for my life, and my families life, HE knows... and when I choose to fully TRUST HIM, HE will soothe my pain, and will grow and strengthen my FAITH in HIM as HE takes it to a whole new level.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;  do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Never in my life have I depended so deeply on my FAITH in HIM.  Never have I ever struggled so hard just to sit up in my bed every morning, knowing..... that it will be another day that I won't be seeing my sweet little boy.  Never have I been in such deep prayer in asking for strength, just so that I would be able to ask for more strength.  Never have I had to beg, plead, or ask HIM to please take FEAR from my racing heart.  Never have I cried so consistently to the point where my eyes and head ache all of the time.  Never have I had to seek and ask HIM to pour courage into me to even just step out of my home.  Never have I ever, I could write so much more of Never, however if it weren't for this season of never, I wouldn't know HIM as I know HIM.  I wouldn't be able to share HIS goodness, HIS love, HIS mercy, HIS grace, HIS peace, HIS kindness, and HIS compassion.  

It is because HE has chosen me to walk this journey of grief, that I am able to SEE that HE has taken my FAITH in HIM, and for HIM to a whole new level.  It is because of HIS deep love for me that I am confident that HE is doing a good work in me, and HE is using me as HIS living vessel to share my story which is HIS story, that HE wrote so beautifully and perfectly just for me, as HE knew one day I would be saved and rescued by HIM, and HE would begin to teach, lead, and guide me on an amazing journey towards wholeness with HIM.

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Though I am broken, and so full of sorrow, I am now experiencing HIS TRUE JOY, as HE continually pours HIS love and favor over my life, and my families life.  Hearing every single one of my prayers, HE has answered them in the most amazing ways.  There is so much to share, yet the timing isn't right yet to fully share, but I tell you I am so excited for the day that HIS timing will be perfect.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer today that you will SEE HIS Promises being lived out in my life.  HE promises to be there for you always, and that when you are in pain, HE is there, waiting for an opportunity to show you just how much HE loves you.  I pray today that you if you are currently in a horrific storm, that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to use your pain to bring you to a whole new level of FAITH for HIM, and in HIM.

Always in prayers, with love, grace, understanding, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather