Friday, October 31, 2014

nothing can seperate

" No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 
Romans 8:37-39

Feeling completely frustrated and upset that I didn't hear from HIM this morning, I closed out the blog, and logged onto facebook to post my morning picture of my sweet little son.   As soon as posted, I scrolled down no more than ten seconds, and I saw a picture of the above scripture.  How fitting, as it was what I read about this morning in my devotionals, and in my current read.

Hi, I'm Heather, and in case we haven't met yet, I am a sloooooow learner! This makes me laugh as I know it is HIS gift to me of laughter at my silliness, in "thinking" that HE would just leave me hanging this morning, and wouldn't want to teach, lead, or guide me through another day living in HIS KINGDOM with HIM.

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS loving reminder that in HIM I, Heather, am more than a conqueror.  HE is telling me this because what Satan "thought" he could wipe out our entire family with, HE brought it ALL to HIS glory!  We see HIM in everything, even the tiniest of details! HE is wanting me to know that the enemy would like nothing more than for me to be closed off from HIM, however since HE has been teaching me for quite some time now, that HIS word, is the LIVING WATER that I need in order to live each day in HIS KINGDOM.  

This morning HE is drenching me in HIS love and HIS grace, and leading me straight to HIS well of LIVING WATER that is HIS word.  HE is opening my eyes up once again to HIS well that is FULL of HIS LIVING WATER.  ALL of which is being poured out for me, through me, for HIS purpose to flow out of me.  HE is letting me know that each morning that I decide to follow HIM, and seek HIM, HE is there, ready and waiting...... to teach, lead, and guide me through another portion of my life.  Each day I seek HIM, and ask HIM for strength, so that I am able to live out HIS purpose for my life, as it has been written so perfectly and beautifully as my purpose.  

"Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14

" for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance." Philippians 1:19

As each day passes HE is filling me with more of HIS strength, as life living without my son has become extremely hard.  There is no other way to put it, even doing something as mundane as laundry has become a HUGE feat to accomplish, as most of the time I end up in a river of tears when each item of clothing I pick up, his is no longer in there.  It pains me that even being in our bathroom, I am reminded of the sweet little boy that I won't be potty training, or watch him brush his teeth at least twelve times a day.

Even though what I am living out as I have been called to do is hard, I am deeply comforted and feel incredibly loved, and secure in knowing that HE has ensured that I wouldn't be without HIS guidance in how to navigate through this portion of my life that is known as hard.  HE is wanting me to know that HE has built me strong to endure this tragedy so that I would be able to truly understand that with HIM, nothing can separate me from HIS unfailing, unending, relentless, amazing, unconditional LOVE.  

"The chasm is far too wide, I never thought I'd reach the other side. But Your love never fails" JESUS Culture "Your Love Never Fails"

I remember when I first heard this song in 2009, and how I "thought" it was HIS promise to me about my past, and never realizing that it was always meant as HIS gift to me, to understand and know that even in my present, and especially in my future, that I would write it on my heart, that NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, could EVER Separate me from HIM, from HIS love, mercy, and grace for me.  I am deeply comforted in knowing just how much time HE took in my past to teach me to prepare me for the greatest test of my life that I would NOT only be able to remember HIS promises to me, but to be able to boldly declare and remind HIM of HIS promises to me.  

 "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

As the reality deepens and sets in that living without my precious son, HE is there, reminding me that HE makes ALL things work together for my good.   HE is wanting me to know that even the earthly death of my son, was because of HIS great love for me, and for our family.  HE is reminding me of HIS great healing that has been poured into, and through our family, and is now being poured out for ALL to see and know that HE is GOD, and HE is GOOD, ALL of the time.  Through our sorrow, sadness, and grief is HIS sweet PEACE that we cling to, and through HIS peace, comes HIS grace drenching us, and leading us back to our feet as a family, and enables us to be present in the moment that HE has chosen for us, to make the memories as HE has always intended for our family.

HE is letting me know that my role as Wife, and Mama is simply this:  To cling tight to HIS promises that HE has NEVER nor WILL HE EVER leave me, nor forsake me.  To know that NOTHING can separate me from HIS love.  To know that it has been written on purpose for HIS purpose for my purpose that I would be filled with HIS promise daily as I would choose to seek HIM each and everyday waiting for HIM to teach, lead, and guide, so that I would be able to live my life according to HIS will.  To know that even in the death of my precious earthly son, HE was there, HE is there, HE is holding him, and HE is holding me.  Therefore, I must get out of bed, take a shower, brush my teeth, eat healthy, and take care of me.  As my role as Mama is to care for my family.  To be present, to show up, to make memories, to want to make memories.  To smile, to laugh, the kind of laughter that you have to hold your stomach as it aches from laughing so incredibly hard.  To live each day to its fullest with my precious four children.  To continue to be  my husbands helpmate, to be excited to live another day in HIS KINGDOM with him.  To love, honor, and cherish my husband and to model what being a GODLY wife, and Mama are to my precious children. To speak softly, with a kind, loving, and forgiving heart.  To extend more grace than I ever thought possible, and to show HIS mercy for my children when they "act" like children.  To take each and every moment I am given with them and to cherish those moments.  To be known as loving and forgiving as JESUS was, is, and will always be.   To be known as the woman of FAITH, WHO chose to FIGHT, the GOOD FIGHT in the midst of tragedy, WHO didn't lie down and just take Satan's crap, but WHO stood on her feet with her loving LORD and SAVIOR leading her.  To speak HIS words, and HIS truth, to shut out, and shut up the enemy who seeks to kill, and destroy.  To FIGHT for her family, for her FAITH, who grew tired of being the VICTIM, and WHO through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has been made strong, who seeks HIS strength each and EVERY single morning to ensure that another day is HIS KINGDOM is ALL that she needs!  To SHOUT IT SCREAM IT FROM THE MOUNTAINS THAT HE IS A ALIVE, ALIVE in her, and NO ONE NOT ONE THING could EVER SEPARATE.  To be a woman who will NO LONGER be quiet in her FAITH, but WHO will continue to write this blog, in order to reach the masses as HE has always intended.  To truly live out her purpose the way that HE has ALWAYS intended for her to live.  

This my Dear Brothers and Sisters is what it means that NOTHING can separate.  Nothing NOT one thing can keep you from receiving HIS love.  HIS purpose has been written on purpose for your life.  Your life is HIS masterpiece, written beautifully and specifically for you, and with HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding you, you my Dear Brothers and Sisters will be MORE than conquerors through CHRIST JESUS WHO died for us, so that we could LIVE with HIM.  My prayer is today that you will see that NOT even in death can we EVER lose HIS love.  I pray today that you will seek HIM, and find the courage to allow HIM to transform and renew your heart and mind to know that HIS will is perfect for your lives. I pray today that if you are feeling trapped you will seek HIM, and that HE will set you free.  Today I am standing up for each of us, and saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, and I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!  GOD IS ALIVE, JESUS IS ALIVE, in ME and in YOU, and WHATEVER, WHENEVER, WHEREVER, I am called I WILL go, and I hope you will too.  

love and prayers for you all,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS, 

~ Heather 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

fall apart

Grief is probably the most confusing thing I have even had to go through in my entire life.  It is strange how I can be talking one minute, feeling peaceful, and the next minute I am drenched in my tears.  It has been sixteen nights, and we are starting on the seventeenth day without our son.  Not that I enjoy counting, not that I have to count, my sorrow does it for me.  Never have I known such deep sorrow, and never have I had to go through so many days where I just completely fall apart.

Yesterday I had to run some errands with my teens.  We made it through the first two stores, without me even getting sad at the sight of anything that reminded me of my son.  The reason being I was focused so intently on being in the moment with my teens.  I wanted so desperately to be making precious memories with them, as I have been made painfully aware that we are NOT promised tomorrow.  

At our last stop before heading home I was purchasing a drop cloth so we could paint his room.  It was while in line that I pulled out the cash that I had, and was down to one dollar bills.  As I quickly counted out how much I needed, the cashier miscounted, and had to recount, and it was then that someone behind me spoke.  Now I didn't hear this person, but my daughter told me what he said to me in the line.  She said, "Mama did you hear that guy?  Did you hear what he said to you?  He said, what did you work the strip club last night?  I am so incredibly thankful I did NOT hear him say that to me, and am thanking my HEAVENLY FATHER for HIS FAITHFUL protection in NOT letting me hear something so vulgar, and crass, especially in my time of deep mourning and sorrow.

By the time I made it to my truck tears were falling down my face, and it was right there in my truck with my two teens that my world fell apart once again.  It was in that moment that I had come completely undone and once again my children had to witness their Mama fall apart.

I cried for the longest time, this raw, excruciating pain, of which I "thought" had left me, but yesterday revealed itself to me once again.  As the day wore on I had several moments where my family had to witness Mama fall apart.

HIS Daily Teachings today I taking me back to yesterday and showing me where HE was in ALL of it.  HE is letting me know that HE was in the details to ensure that I would find some happiness, and would have a short reprieve from the deepest most painful sorrow I have ever known.  HE is wanting me to know that HE was there as that man said something horribly offensive to me, and made sure that my ears and heart would be protected so that I would be able to reach the privacy of my truck before I would come completely undone and fall apart.  

Later in the day we had a sweet friend drop off dinner to us, and I hadn't seen or spoken to her since this horrific living nightmare began for our family.  Just as everyone else has asked, she did, and when I told her, she fell apart.  However as I said before that grief is confusing, I didn't cry, in fact I don't usually cry when talking about what happened.  When talking about what happened, there is a peaceful calm that comes over me.  HE is wanting me to know the reason being is HE NEVER intended for me to have to go through those horrific emotions like I did on the worst day of my life.  HE is telling me that HE will, and is giving me HIS strength so that I am able to talk about what happened, without have to relive what happened.  

I am so incredibly thankful to know that I serve such a loving, giving, and FAITHFUL GOD.  I feel so incredibly blessed that HE knows me in ways that I didn't even know I existed.  I am so incredibly thankful that HE moves mountains in HIS relentless pursuit of me so that I will know that when I find myself coming completely undone, HE is there and HE is holding me as I fall apart.  I am so incredibly thankful and blessed by HIS amazing LOVE, and GRACE of which HE lets me know of each and every moment of my day.  

Never in my life have I known such deep sorrow, but even more than that NEVER in my life have I EVER felt so close to JESUS.  I can honestly say that I feel HIM, and see HIM ALL of the time.  HE is letting me know that is the reason WHY HE began HIS pursuit of my heart, soul, and mind when HE did so that I would know,and be able to cling to HIS promises when ever I would fall apart.

Last night after dropping our teens off at youth group, D and I headed to dinner with our two youngest.  We went to one of families favorite places, a place where I hadn't been since that last date I had with my two handsome princes.  As soon as I stepped into the restaurant, my eyes welled up with tears.  My legs felt like a thousand pounds once more, and I tried my best to use my NOT cracking, small, timid voice.  I struggled to place our order, as D was watching over our two children.  

By the time they brought our food to us, I was sitting face to face with the play area, and all the memories flooded and rushed my heart and mind, and it was right there in the middle of the 
Chik fil a that my sorrow found me once again.  Surrounded by people and children laughing and playing I came completely undone, and it was right there that my family had to witness once again, their Mama fall apart.  

Over and over I cried out, in anguish of the many firsts that I was going through, walking through, and enduring.  Over and over I cried from the deepest part of my soul ALL of the pain and anguish I felt in losing my son.  As I sat there, all I could do was pull out my cute tissues which were gifted to me by another Mama who is sadly on the same journey of losing her son, and who came to be right by my side, and has remained there since the beginning of the worst day of my life that would ultimately change my life forever.

As we left the restaurant I thanked HIM for giving me the peace that I needed in order to stand, and was relieved that it was going to be time to pick up our teens.  However that wasn't to be the case and I would be almost a hour and thirty minutes longer till they would be done, and with that we had to find something else to do. 

While driving towards our church we stopped at Target as I wanted to get my daughter some gloves as fall is upon us, and winter is rapidly approaching.  The very thought of that made me cry, as I thought about the day I went shopping with my two boys, and my sweet precious son picked out his own coat, and hat.  Both of which now hang unworn, unused in our foyer closet.  Two of many things of his that are still waiting for him to come back and to use, but sadly won't be, and though we aren't in need of them any longer, I can't bear to part from anything.  Its no longer about what my son needs, but rather what deepens our sorrow at the mere thought of releasing his things.

His diapers, wipes, diaper bag, shoes, all of it.  His closet full of clothes, and his fire truck jammies that he only wore once that he so proudly modeled for his daddy in.... waiting to be worn, hanging in his closet. His cup, plate, bowl, silverware in the cupboards and drawer.  His toothbrush, toothpaste, and cup in the bathroom.  His towel, and tubs toys, and bath seat, all of it waiting.  His toys scattered across the upstairs waiting to be placed in their new home as I couldn't bear to be surrounded by all of his things all of the time.  Yet even more deeply saddened at the mere thought of giving anything away.  The sorrow runs so deep as each time we move something, I can't help but to feel as if though we are erasing him in our home.  Grief is so incredibly confusing, exhausting,and draining, and it's just in the beginning......

Everywhere I go I am reminded that he is no longer with us.  Everywhere I go, my deep sorrow finds me, and it doesn't care where I am, when sorrow finds me that is when I fall apart.  Thankfully through HIS many teachings, through HIS Daily Teachings I know, and am confident that HE is with me, holding me, caring for me through all of my sorrow.  HE is reminding me once again of HIS peace that washes over me when I have cried so much I couldn't breathe.  HE is FAITHFUL in HIS promises that HE is NEVER going to leave me, nor will HE EVER forsake me.  

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord." Psalm 117:2

As the first of many holidays is upon us, I am finding myself falling deeper into my sorrow, as I realize that this is really my life now, this is it, this is what I am going through, this really happened.  When the realization hits, it hits me like a freight train, and that is when I fall apart.  Over and over I have to tell myself that NOT only did it happened, but to seek HIS peace.  Over and over I say "LORD please drench me in YOUR grace, and please LORD flood me with YOUR peace."

"Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord." 2 Peter 1:2

Everyday, is another day of me wondering and saying the same thing "he left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without him."  Over and over HE meets me right where I am and lets me know where my son is, and comforts me with HIS loving words and FAITHFUL promises to me.  As each day passes I cling to HIS love and HIS promises to me.  As each new day is upon me I know that I will fall apart, but what I know even more than that is, no matter how much or how many times I fall apart HE is always there, and HE is always holding me.  

Yesterday I must have listened to the song "Held" by Natalie Grant.  I have heard that song probably like five hundred times in my walk with HIM, but never in my life have I ever been able to fully understand what it means to be held, and NOT only that but that HE is holding me, each and every single time I fall apart.

"Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held" 

"Held" by Natalie Grant

Last night as another day of living without my son came to a close, my heart was breaking.  Not just for me, but for my five year old son.  With all the anguish his precious little heart felt, he begged and pleaded to HIM to please give his brother back.  Through his tears he fell apart in my arms, and just as HE was holding me, I held my son. In the final moments of waking hours of yesterday I cried out to HIM, and prayed peace over our entire household, that each of us would find HIM as we all  fall apart.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you will know that in your deepest sorrow, HE is there.  HE is holding you as you fall apart.  I pray that you too will be comforted in knowing that HIS love is relentless for you and HIS pursuit of you is amazing.  I pray that if you too have suffered, are suffering, or will suffer a deep loss just as I have, I pray that you will know that HE is there, HE cares for you, and HE is holding you.  I pray that you will come to know HIM as FAITHFUL, and to know that when everything falls in your life, HE is there, and I pray that is when that you too will know what it means to be held.

Much love, prayers, understanding, compassion, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

for my broken heart

"Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep. Then I cried myself to sleep. So sure life wouldn't go on without you.  But oh this sun is blinding me. As it wakes me from the dark
I guess the world didn't stop. For my broken heart" Reba McEntire "My Broken Heart"

This song describes my life in the most sadly profound way these days.  It is through tears that I wake up each morning, seeking HIM so that I am able to draw strength from HIM so that I am able to face another day living in this world without my son.  Strength to be present in my children's lives and making memories with them, all the while wanting to cry out from the depth of my soul that another day without one of us seems impossible.  Then the reality of life hits me as I realize that the world didn't stop for my broken heart.

Last night as I laid my head on my pillow, D and I were talking, and with overwhelming sadness in each of us we realized we would be sleeping our fifteenth night without our precious son sleeping in the next room.  The reality that in the morning the sun would still rise, and time would continue to go on, all the while without even batting an eye that our son, our precious little baby love is no longer living in this world.

As the end of each day draws to a close,  I draw nearer to HIM in my prayers for my family to know how much I love them.  It is so incredibly hard for me to even think about anymore loss in my life, but that the reality is that any one of could be called home at a moment's notice, as that is how our son was called home.

Yesterday was another day of firsts for our family.  Mostly for my four children and I, as we set out a shopping trip, and lunch out without our sweet little one.  During lunch it was laughter and smiles, but as lunch was coming to an end, there was deafening silence as we realized we made it through another dinner without a high chair and a toddler at the table. As we were leaving the thought crossed my mind that people see me with my four children, but they will never know that I am Mama to five children.  That thought brought tears to my eyes, and as a single tear fell, I wiped it softly from my cheek, and held my head high and walked out with my amazing four.  

Our first stop was a Halloween store.   This was difficult for me, as I wanted to skip Halloween all together this year, however since I have little ones who just like my son in HEAVEN loves candy, fun, and laughter, I couldn't say no.  So I said a quick prayer for strength, and walked in with my four children to purchase what they needed.  

Our next stop was a craft store.  Seemingly innocent enough or so I thought, I walked in with my children.  I knew I what I needed to purchase, however I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen next.  Within the first five minutes of being in the store, my five year old son was becoming visually upset.  My oldest daughter tried her best to understand what was upsetting him, and he kept saying, "tell Mama."  I walked over to him, and he held up a little treasure chest.  He begged and pleaded for me to please buy it for him.  Not understanding why I did what any other Mama would do when in her "thinking" would try and persuade him to pick something else.  However, he wasn't let go of it, the idea of it, or begging and pleading with me to PLEASE buy it for him.  

Finally I gave in and said yes.  Only yes didn't end there, as he then drew in the deepest breath I have ever seen him do, and tears poured from his eyes.  I reached out with my arms and drew him near to my chest, as he began to sob in my arms.  Through his waterfall of tears he said to me, "Mama I want to buy him a nice gift so then he could come back, please make him come back Mama."  Seeing my son, holding my son, and watching him come completely undone broke me.  All I could do in that moment was hold my son, and sob with him.

In was in that moment that I drew in a HUGE breath, and prayed, "LORD JESUS, please help me, help us, Oh GOD our hearts are broken, heal us LORD please, OH JESUS heal our broken hearts."  Through HIS grace we were able to finish our shopping, and finished off our day seeing a movie.  I was hoping that in a dark movie theater sorrow wouldn't find me. Sadly that wasn't the case, and right there in the middle of an animated movie I lost it, NOT once but twice.  The ache in my heart was more than I could bear, and once again I cried out to HIM, "Oh LORD JESUS heal us please, heal my broken heart."

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS loving reminder to me, that just as my son came to me for comfort and love, I am able to do the same with HIM. HE is telling me that just as I am holding my child while HE cries, I need to know that I am HIS child, and HE is holding me just the same.   HE is wanting me to know that in my brokenness HE wants me to draw near to HIM, and allow HIM to hold me as I cry, and ask HIM the hard questions that my son asks me.  HE is telling me that HE NEVER intended for me to walk this hard part of my journey without HIM.  HE is reminding me once again of HIS amazing, relentless, unfailing, unshaken, unconditional LOVE for me.  HE is telling me that just as I prayed for strength, I can pray for HIS love, and HE will be sure to wrap HIS arms to tightly around me, that when the moment comes that I feel as if though I may die of a broken heart, I will know that HE is there, and HE is holding me.  HE is wanting me to know that as each new day is upon me, HE doesn't want me to hide my face, or my tears as the reality hits me once again, that the world didn't stop for my broken heart.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,my Savior and my God" Psalm 42:11

HE is telling me that HE is there as each new day is upon me, and is waiting for me to seek HIS face, so that HE can show me once again how much HE loves me.  Today HE is wanting me to declare HIS promises to me, to speak HIS words to HIM, with confidence because I know that HE is my Abba and that HE cares deeply for me.  HE is wanting me to always remember, and to write it on my heart, that HE is my FATHER, HE loves me, HE is always going to be there for me.  HE is reminding me once again of how when I began to seek HIM to show me the matter of my heart, that HE did that so I would be prepared for this moment, in needing to know, and to speak HIS promises that HE has made, is making, and will continue to make and to keep for now, and forever more.

" pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

It is deeply comforting for me to know that HE is there in each and every moment of my life. I am blessed to know that HE is there always, in good times and in bad.  I am thankful to know that HE is holding our family in HIS hands, and that HE catches each and every single one of our tears.  I am thankful to know that all I have to in order to face another day is to seek HIM, and draw strength from HIM.  I am thankful that HE has a unending supply of GRACE of which HE is drenching me in every single step of my journey with HIM.  I am so incredibly thankful for HIS sweet PEACE that pours into me, and washes over me that allows me the most peaceful sleep even in the midst of this tremendous heartbreak.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17

He is wanting me to know that the reason HE has been teaching me about HIS great love for me all this time is so that in my time of greatest need to lean on, count on, and rely on HIS great love for me, I will be able to say that I, Heather am confident that HE loves me.  So that I am able to speak HIS truth of HIS promises to me, for all to hear that even in the deepest sorrow I have ever been in, I know that HE is there, and that HE loves me.  So that I will be able to say with ALL confidence that I, know as HE has proven to me time and again that HE will NEVER leave me, nor will HE EVER forsake me.  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Today HE is reminding me once again that I must go boldly before the THRONE  in HIS name and speak HIS truth and HIS promises HE has made for my life.  HE wants me to not only hear HIS promises from HIM, but HE wants to build me with tremendous confidence so that in my time of greatest need, I will be able to declare WHO HE is, WHAT HE has done, and WHAT HE will continue to do for me, through me, because of HIS great love for me.  

HE is letting me know that while the world may not stop for my broken heart, HE is there, holding me, letting me know that it's okay to cry, to mourn, and to grieve the overwhelming loss of my son.  HE is letting me know that the more I cry out to HIM, that is how I will see HIS glory in ALL of this.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ I pray that you will know how much HE loves you.  That in your time of need that you will know that HE is there.  I pray that you will be courageous and seek HIM, so that HE can show you, and speak HIS promises to you for your life.  I pray that if you too woke up today feeling heart broken because the world didn't stop for your broken heart, I pray that you will lean into HIM, and allow HIM to heal your broken heart.  

Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014


I woke up this morning at 4:30 am with the thought of many messages I've received asking the one question I dread, "how are you?"  I always dread that question, because I'm unsure of what I'm supposed to say.  I guess what I would like to say as each day passes that we are living this life without our precious little son is, "though we feel helpless, we are NOT hopeless.  In HIM there is HOPE, and we feel it, being poured over us and into, even in times of deep sorrow."

I have received many phone calls, texts, emails, and private messages giving advice from well meaning, loving people advising me to go on medication because I seem to be grieving too hard. This astounds me, as it is written in HIS word that "there is a TIME for MOURNING."  This is my time of mourning, it's only been two weeks since I last held my sweet baby love.  This journey of grief, is sadly just beginning for D and our four children.  It is heartbreaking to know that even though we feel HIS sweet PEACE in losing our son, we are also experiencing the deepest sorrow we have ever had to in our lives.  

"time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance;" Ecclesiastes 3:4

This morning, I poured my heart out to HIM, and cried deep into HIS chest the anguish that I feel whenever someone "thinks" I'm either grieving too hard, or too long.  I thanked HIM for showing D and I HIS glory, even on the first night of our son's passing, and giving us a PEACE that allowed us to be calm for just few moments at a time, so that we could rest.  I praised HIM for allowing us to see HIM in the details of every single moment throughout this tragedy, that there is HIS HOPE, and we can cling to that.

"This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast" Hebrews 6:19 

I am deeply comforted in knowing that because HE loves us so much, that HE is truly in the details as we are surrounded by our loving family, and church family.  It is so comforting for me to know that people that we haven't even met are praying for our family, and lifting all of us up to receive HIS grace, and HIS peace.  

From the first few moments of my son's passing people were there to help us, and cards were left with phone numbers of who to call when needing help.  This was just the medical professionals, and the police department.  The care and keeping of our family was beautifully orchestrated by HIM, and HIM alone.  I am in awe of the even the tiniest of details that HE made sure I knew, D knew, and our four children knew that HE was in the details.

Through our loving church family, so much support, love, prayers are being sent to us, hourly.  I am deeply comforted in knowing that even while we sleep there are people HE has sent to pray on our behalf.  I am so incredibly thankful, and blessed to know that HIS sweet PEACE is being poured over our home, and that HIS protection is on each and everyone of us.  

Yesterday I wrote about "how do I live?"  That question was more of without our son, NOT how do I go on living?  I am so incredibly thankful and grateful that I can say with ALL confidence that there has NEVER been a time in any of this that made me think, "I can't do this, I just want to be with my son, I want to end my life."  My thoughts have always been, "I miss him, I don't understand WHY, WHY GOD?  I trust YOU, I love YOU, this is so hard. Please help me, I feel so incredibly helpless...... PRAISE YOU LORD JESUS that I am NOT HOPELESS."

Last night my five year old son was sobbing as his sister wouldn't let him play a game he wanted to on the computer.  What started out as a small disgruntlement, led into a full blown hysterical crying fit.  Only his tears weren't because of the game.  His tears were of him missing his baby brother.  I held him close to me, and let him cry it out, just as I have been doing since the first few moments that his sweet precious little innocent ears had to learn the most heartbreaking, earth shattering thing a five year old could possibly hear.  It has been in those moments with each of my children, where holding them is all I can do, as I feel so incredibly helpless.  

Its so incredibly hard for D and I to understand how, and why things happened, are happening, and will happen, but it is excruciatingly hard to try and explain to your children whom look to you for answers, answers of which you are unable to give.  My sorrow runs incredibly deep, but NOT just because Mama lost her baby, rather we all lost our baby.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

It's heartbreaking as each of us have had to go through the feelings of guilt of, if only, why didn't I, I should have, I was going to, the list goes on and on.  D and I have tried our best to let our children know and let each other know that there was NOTHING that any of us could have done to save him. We know this because we know that HE called HIS son home.  Whether we were ready to say goodbye or NOT, HE did in fact call him home. 

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1

People have been asking if we know what happened to our son, and the answer is no.  We do not know what happened.  It could take up to three months before we will know what happened.  D and I however aren't sitting around waiting for a worldly answer as we know because HIS timing is NOT ours, we know HE called HIS son home.  The truth is that we have had to face with our four children is that HE could have saved HIM if that was HIS plan.  We know this as raising these two boys after raising three girls, we ALL worked over time to save each of their lives.

" For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

"You as your child's mother, and his guardian angel work over time to save his life every single day."  Dr. James Dobson, "Bringing Up Boys"

 I will NEVER forget the first time I read that, as it spoke to true to my heart.  My boys were always getting into mischief with each other.  Many falls, involving their heads would make my heart stop for a moment.  I would always scoop them up into my arms, and begin to immediately pray over any unforeseen injuries.  I knew that I needed to do that as I have been entrusted to raise them up as Men of HONOR.  My heart breaks when I realize that I no longer am going to be able to raise my son up as a man of HONOR.

The good news in that is, he is already HOME.  He already completed his mission, and did what he was sent here to do.  The bad news is, we are all left with just memories of him, and are now walking this journey without him, knowing that he is waiting for us in HEAVEN with our LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST.  The bad news is, this journey, won't be easy, it will be hard, as HE has intended for it to be hard, so that we would lean into HIM, and press into HIM to help us, as we feel so incredibly helpless.  The BEST news is, HE is there, HE is here, holding each of us, helping us and HE will NEVER leave us, nor will HE EVER forsake us.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS loving PROMISE to me that while I may feel helpless, I don't EVER have to feel hopeless.  HE is reminding me that HIS timing is perfect, as HE has proven that to me time and again.  HE is taking me back to all the times where I felt things should have gone my way, but instead they went HIS way, and how HIS way was so much greater than I could have even possibly imagined.  HE is reminding me of the specific prayers that I prayed the morning of my son's passing, and how HE had something even greater in mind.  

" For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

HE is wanting me to know that HE heard my cries, and my prayers that morning.  HE knew my desires of my heart, and HE knew how we would answer my prayers and fulfill my desires that I so desperately wanted, and needed in my life.  HE knew that the only way I would truly be able to understand HIS love for me, was to test me, to see that even in my deepest sorrow I would know that HE is there, and that HE loves me, and because of that when the darkness "tried" to close me in with lies, HE was there, speaking HIS truth to me, to let me know that it was okay to feel helpless, but to take heart, as with HIM there is always HOPE.

Yesterday one of my soul-sisters was praying specifically for my protection, and she wrote: "my mind goes straight to that song, "break every chain."  Don't let the enemy chain you down in your Sorrow and feed you lies.  JESUS break EVERY CHAIN!"  I am so incredibly thankful, and feel so incredibly loved that HE would send HIS messenger of HOPE to me in my time of greatest need to know that I'm being tricked, and NOT to let the enemy trick me. 

Last night as darkness fell on our home, we celebrated the life of our son.  We celebrated his sweet little smile, and his love for laughter.   We watched two movies that he would have loved, and ate a TON of candy, soda, and popcorn.  As each of us made our way upstairs to our rooms, my heart began to feel heavy again, as I realized that we were about to sleep another night without him, and that day marked two weeks without him, and it already feels like a lifetime.

This week, as a family we are working on restoring his room, to make is a peaceful, happy place to go and be with our memories of him.  Each of us have horrible memories of that room, and we all dread going into it.  In knowing this, yesterday afternoon I felt HIM calling me into my son's room, and it was there that HE met me, and I cried  out to HIM,  I found my son's cross that says "JESUS loves me" and held it tightly to my chest.  Feeling HIS love pour into me, and through me, as I began to sing "JESUS Loves Me."  While singing I envisioned HIM holding my son, as I sang that sweet song, and after that, I prayed blessings over the room.  That each of us would come to know his room as the room where our son met JESUS face to face.  I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have been given that precious gift of HIS wisdom, to know that my son is safe in the loving arms of JESUS.  I am so incredibly blessed to know that HE is holding him, and will be until I too am called home.  

Until that day comes, I will wait..... with  JOY, that HE leaves for me to seek and find as HIS gift so that I am able to see HIS goodness in my days to come. I will wait.....with HOPE, that HE places in me as HIS gift to that on my darkest days, in my deepest sorrow I know that HE is there, and HE will help me, and even in feeling helpless, I will know that I never have to be without HIS HOPE.  I will wait... with Love, that HE pours over me and into me so that I am able to Love as HE loves, and not allow the enemy to feed me lies that it's okay to be angry, and to act out in my anger.  I am so incredibly thankful and blessed that HE answered my prayers of my desire to know HIM, NOT just know of HIM.  I am so thankful that HE captured my heart and my attention so that I would know what it is to trust HIM, and NOT just trust in HIM.  I am so incredibly thankful that through each and every test. trial, and storm, HE has restored, renewed, and strengthened my FAITH in HIM, so that during the greatest test of my FAITH, I am able to stand firm as HE is my solid rock foundation, and with HIM NOTHING, NOT ONE THING can take me away from that.  

" And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 
1 Corinthians 13:13

"Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, if you don't know by now WHO HE is, and WHO HE longs to be for you, I pray that you will see my story as an encouragement, that no matter what you may be going through, no matter how painful, or how helpless you feel,  you will know that HE is there.  I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to transform and renew your heart, soul, and mind to know that HIS plans for you are amazing, and that when you place all your FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, and TRUST in HIM, HE will NEVER let you down.  I pray that you will know that HIS timing and provision are perfect for your life, even when you don't understand.  I pray that through your obedience in HIM that HE will pour HIS blessings and favor over your life.

Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather