Friday, January 5, 2018

contagious joy.....

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me" Psalm 13:5-6

A while ago I felt HIM say to me: 

"Heather you love people really well.  You heart is kind and full of compassion, and you comfort others easily.  However, you love loving people well, and you struggle to love difficult people.  I want you to love people as I love you, and I love them.  I want you to SEE them through MY eyes, and seek ME to teach you, to show you how to love them, even when you don't SEE a way."

This was a journey that I was on, one of HIS teachings that I was focusing on when I lost Seth.  However, after Seth died, loving people, especially difficult people was the furthest thing from my mind, as well in my human thinking, my raw, shattered, broken heart couldn't have cared less about how other people felt, as all I knew was the agony I was in, the pain I had endured, the trauma I suffered in finding my son's lifeless body.  To be honest, anything less horrific than that didn't even get a glance from me, as suddenly someone saying it was their worst day ever made me cry, sob, as they had no idea of just how much worse it could be.  Especially when it had something to do with materials things of this world.  

My loving compassionate, kind, comforting heart was broken, and in my eyes beyond repair.  I remember being in a daze when I would dare to venture out of my home, never for more than an hour, and I felt like everywhere I went I was exposed.  Like people could see that my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and that is why there is this massive gaping hole in me.  I fell apart nearly every place I went to.  One moment in particular was a month after Seth's death I needed a new winter coat.  I went to the mall with my daughters, and found a coat I liked.  They didn't want to wait in line with me anymore, and wanted to go to the next store over, so I told them I would meet them there, as I was next in line anyways.  When the cashier rang up my coat, and told me the total, I burst into tears, raw, sorrowful tears.  Unable to stop them, as that early in my journey I had yet to understand how to swallow my tears.  The sweet cashier asked me if I was okay???  Little did she know that was a loaded question for me, and right there in front of a crowd of people I fell apart, cried out that my son died, I didn't even want to be there, and I need this stupid winter coat, and I still can't believe it, and well you get the picture.  She looked at me, and said, "oh my GOD how are you even still alive?   I would have died if I lost my child.... I wouldn't have ever gotten out of bed, and why are you even here?  Maybe you should go home and send someone else out to do things for you."  It was in that moment that my raw, excruciating pain started to lose my heart for people.

For months after Seth's death I struggled to maintain any type of conversation.  Each one always led back to him dying, what it was like seeing him, finding him lifeless, the sounds, the events of that day unfolding over and over like the worst most horrific gift to unwrap every single day.  Seth's death consumed me, the unfairness, the shock, the horror, my heart being ripped from my chest, what my children went through, what my husband went through.  The investigation, the detectives, the questions, the gossip about our family that we must be hiding something as why weren't we sharing how he died.  The waiting, oh the waiting, 25 weeks worth of waiting... all to hear it was complications of pneumonia, and bronchitis, when he had only been sick a total of 6 hours that day.  All to be revealed that he had this rare form of lung disease that was only found during the autopsy.  The grief over my baby, my boy having an autopsy.  

The sheer horror that on what would have been his 2nd birthday I found myself sitting in a funeral home with my husband,my brother, his wife, my pastor, his wife, my women's ministry leader who was also the leader of pastoral care, and my father in law.  When the funeral director brought out the piece of paper to release Seth's body from the medical examiner, seeing his date of death for the first time, my son's name with a dash.  Going to the cemetery, the rain pouring over us, the utter disbelief that this was really happening, the anger that was rising up out of me, as how could this possibly be.  

Over and over my mind replayed what happened, the words of "he was here until he wasn't, it happened in a blink.... a breaths time, in a moment our lives were forever changed."  The sorrow, sadness, anger, pain, agony consumed me.  Thoughts of JOY were diminished, and hidden where I didn't even know where to begin to look.  People would say to me, "well at some point you just have to choose JOY, you have to choose to be happy, you can't let this keep you from what GOD wants for you."  Which would only fuel my hatred for people as didn't they see how much I was hurting, how much I longed to be joyful, how I longed to live an oblivious life again.  I wanted my Sethie back, I wanted me back, I wanted my family back, to the way we were, I wanted to start over Oct. 13th 2014, and instead of falling asleep, or putting him to bed, we would have kept him with us.  If only.... that was the sob the sorrow of my heart.... if only.....  

For months I would sit in his room, smelling his clothes, holding his favorite toys, singing his song, cry, face down on his floor.  Hating life, hating GOD, hating me, hating people, until a glimmer of HOPE began to flicker in my vision.  HIS JOY, my daughter joy was coming, although we didn't know it was joy, but a new life, and honestly it was a double blessing as it was a new home, for a new life, and a precious new little life to join our family.  

When we moved into our new home, I thought "this is it, now I can be joyful, I will be okay, I can start over, a new life, and HE will heal me, and I will be okay."  As my pregnancy progressed with Joy the pamphlets started to emerge talking about postpartum depression, and counseling.  My doctor's were insistent on me seeing someone, therapy, and medication to help me cope, to deal with life in general.  The more they spoke, confronted me the angrier I became as I didn't want this, I didn't do anything to deserve this, and hadn't my losing my son, finding him, wasn't that enough for me to endure?  I was angry, I hate everyone and everything, and I struggled to even leave my home.

I stopped attending church shortly after Joy was born, as I couldn't bear to see people, answer their questions, or even just see smiling people.  I was on medication at this point, and was still working up to what would be my balance point.  For me that was my numbing point.  I went from being horrendously depressed, angry, and hateful, to numb.... I loved my family, and our life together, but it was hard, so damn hard.  I was done, I was done with suffering, grieving, sadness, all of it I was done.

Yet I had no energy, I couldn't do even the simplest of tasks.  Laundry was an overwhelming anxiety filled chore, and my home, well lets just say that for the two years we've lived here not many have entered, and we don't really invite unless you are in our inner circle.  I was embarrassed, angry, and bitter that I couldn't take care of my home, my family, myself, and I knew that if I didn't figure out a way to get off the medication I would be stuck.  Stuck feeling numb and not caring about what our house looked like, or my life looked like.  I knew I needed HIM, and because HE loves me, HE rescued me, and has brought me back into the land of the living with HIS unfailing love.

I have been shore living for almost three months now, and in that time I have created a family wall of pictures that include Seth's.  I have hung up his other pictures, and his fedora he wore when he was ten months old in one of our two family pictures.  I have helped my husband find our home again, and have begun to put my personal touch in each room, so it's no longer our house, but rather our home.  I am sleeping a solid six-eight hours a night, and I'm feeling more alive than I have in the past three years.  

None of this was easy, weening off my medication took time, but I knew it was necessary for my healing and recovery.  I knew that the only way I would be able to function, to LIVE was to let go, and let HIM, transform, renew, restore, and refine me.  I knew that I NEEDED HIM, and I that I could TRUST HIM to do all these things through me, because HE loves me.  Slowly my heart for people has returned, my JOY is now bursting out of me much more than sorrow, and my mind is at ease.  I can truly sing "It is well with my soul."  

Having gone through the past three years, HE is wanting me to know that because of what I've survived, and how I survived, HE is filling me with HIS JOY to share about it, to tell it to the masses, to SHOUT to SCREAM from the rooftops that HE IS MY REDEEMER, my SAVIOR, and HE has RESCUED me.  HE has called me to BE HIS LIGHT SHINER FULL OF CONTAGIOUS JOY!!!

HE is wanting me to remember that instead of getting wrapped up in the problems that I face in this world, or that other's share with me, HE is wanting me to be wrapped up in HIS peace, HIS overwhelming peace, that is full of understanding, that reveals an amazing plan, as where HIS peace lies, so does HIS love.  HIS love has brought me back from the pit of despair, has filled me with HOPE, and now calls me to live out my life with HIS CONTAGIOUS JOY!  I know that it is only through HIM that I am standing on the survivor's shore, SHINING HIS LIGHT, and I know this is HIS gift of VISION, of WISDOM so that I will be able to SEE other's as HE SEES them, especially those whom I find in my human vision.... thinking difficult.  HIS great LOVE for me, is what will equip me to love difficult people, as HE loves them, as HE loves me, and the LORD only knows how difficult I can be!

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

Friends, I pray today that if you too are struggling with dealing with life, with people, your job, you marriage, what ever is causing you great anxiety, stress, anger, or depression, I pray that you will know that HIS arms are open wide for you to come and receive HIS love, HIS peace, HIS grace, HIS mercy.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and allow HIM to comfort you in a way that only HE can comfort you.   I pray that when you receive HIS comfort, that you will know that is HIM teaching you, showing you how to live out your life with CONTAGIOUS JOY!  

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 


Thursday, January 4, 2018

roots....

When I woke up this morning my mind instantly flooded back to last night.  Standing in the kitchen as if in a stand off with my son.... a battle to be won by both of us of who was right, or in the right to say and do whatever we wanted.  I was standing firm on the notion that I am the MOM and the BOSS and he WILL listen to me.  However, he had different thoughts, and his plans were to whittle and wear me down so that I would relent, and he would win.  I wish I could write and say that logic took over, faith took over, HE took over...... nope.... the words, the insults, the anger came out, and without wavering he kept challenging me, taunting me..... this little nine year old had me trapped.... and I came out swinging.  

Five minutes into the standoff, I realized that there was so winning, well that is except for the enemy who is hell bent on destroying me, my life, and my family.  I muttered something about having a headache, and went into the bathroom to "cool down."  Frustrated, angry, and beat down I said, "LORD JESUS he's yours, so YOU have to fix this.... whatever it takes, fix me to handle this situation with him better, whatever, I NEED YOU!"  It was then I felt HIS HOLY SPIRIT take over and I began to sing out loud.... "create in me a clean heart O'GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Create in me a clean heart O'GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence O'LORD take not thy HOLY SPIRIT from me, restore unto me the JOY of thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me."

I left the bathroom and walked back out into the kitchen where he had moved on from arguing with me, and was now arguing with his sister.  I continued to PRAISE HIM, and SEEK HIM in that moment, by continuing to sing.  Not long after I began singing in the kitchen I noticed that things quieted down.  Not long after my return to the battleground, I noticed that his voice lowered, and his heart was beginning to soften once again.  It was then I was able to speak words of life into him about how GOD doesn't want for us to fight and argue like we do.  I told him that I was sorry for the things I said, but let him know that he has to obey and respect his mama, not that he has to like or even agree with what I say, but he has to know that I was put on this earth to be his Mama.  

He apologized, and the angels sang.... and the rest of the evening was as close to glorious as you can imagine.  The night was peaceful, peace filled that is until..... yes you guessed it bed time.  Every.single.night it is a battle for him to go to bed.  However last night something within me spoke deep into my heart, "as much as you NEED me to help you, so does he.  MY grace is sufficient enough for the both of you, but you NEED to TRUST me.  It's not that I'm going to calm the storm, as there is much to be learned in this storm, rather TRUST me that I will calm MY child, so that you can comfort your son in this storm."

As I began to pen my thoughts this morning, I kept going back to seeking HIM to create a clean heart within me.  I wrote out many requests, and in my foolish human thinking, I thought I was done.  As if to say, "SEE LORD I got it all out, and now YOU can just create a clean heart within me.  Failing all along to realize, to know, to remember that NOTHING that HE EVER does within me, for me, through me is without teaching, leading or guiding me.  

Even as I sit here typing this out, I find myself procrastinating, as what HE is wanting me to share is not something that I want other people to know about a major stronghold in my life.  Well if I were being completely honest, those closest to me, my inner circle already know that I battle with this stronghold, and have for as long as I can remember. 

Unwholesome thoughts, unwholesome talk...... all deeply rooted by Frustration, anger..... emotions.  GAH!!!!  So of course in all of my human wisdom I ask HIM, "Okay LORD so just take all that away, and I won't have any problems."  HA!  Wow I'm on a roll today aren't I?  I can only imagine how much I must humor HIM in all of my tiny human brain thinking.  So friends, sit back as we dive deep into Heather's roots and SEE where my strongholds lie..... 

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me deep into my roots to show me the reason why this particular stronghold is winning in my life.  HE is wanting me to know and understand what a clean heart, says and does.  HE is telling me that until I get a full understanding, my stronghold will have a hold on me, and without even realizing it I will allow it to wreak havoc all over my life.

Today HE had me write out things that I NEED to know about what a clean heart says:

Unwrap each day as HIS precious gift to me.  This is a struggle for me, as when I first wake up I tend to think about all I NEED to do today, and that overwhelms me, and I start off right away with a bad attitude.  HE is reminding me that it is imperative that I guard my thoughts, "really think about what I am thinking about."

Don't forget each day, Dear Heart that MY TRUE JOY comes in the morning.  While it is my human response to hang my head in shame, dragging the chains of worthlessness, HE is wanting me to know, that my chains are gone and I've been set free to remember that each day is a clean slate, a fresh start, and HIS loving invitation to begin again.

Remember that unwholesome thoughts breed unwholesome talk which breathes death.  Speak life giving, breathing words to myself, and for everyone around me to hear.  In the flesh I struggle with this so very much.  As how easy it is to fit in this broken and fallen world by giving into the desires of the flesh to say, think and do whatever we want... whatever we feel entitled to.  HE is wanting me to know that this is my greatest stronghold, and is taking me back to where my roots were planted.

Remember to Bear Good Fruit.  Quite honestly until I read that this morning in my devotional that thought never really crossed my mind.  HE is wanting me to know that is it important for me to realize that my attitude, behaviors, emotions, feelings all of it are all based upon the roots that have been planted.  HE is wanting me to know that until I go back to the root of each of them, cultivating a clean heart is going to be extremely difficult for me to achieve.  HE is wanting me to remember that because of HIS gift of free will for me, means that HE can't make me do anything, rather when I desire to change something within me, for HIS good for HIS glory, HE WILL make good on HIS promises, and will help me.  

"Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit." Matthew 7:17

Focus on whats going good, don't dwell on what isn't good.  HE is wanting me to remember that HE has a plan for me, and when I choose to TRUST HIM I will SEE this HE will work out everything for my good.  This is not to say that I won't have to be put through the fire to change me, to cultivate a grateful heart, a gracious heart, refining me is a process, and HE wants me to TRUST the process.

Don't focus on how big my problems are rather TRUST and know that HE is BIGGER, GREATER THAN! Now if I could just remember this, I would be able to maintain my chill so much more when conflict with my son arises.  HE is wanting me to know that this doesn't mean HE wants me to focus on the conflict, rather think about WHO HE is, and how HE loves me, patiently, unfailing, relentlessly, unconditionally and then love my son the same way.  TRUST HIM through the process that as HE changes my heart, the way I respond, the way I speak, the way I act, my son will SEE HIM in me.  

Remember that I don't have to have all the answers, it is okay for me to let go and let HIM, SEEK HIS face and HE will help me!  Gosh darn it, if I could just get my tiny little human brain to remember this one, well.... ahhhh this is WHY I have JESUS, this is WHY HE is with me always, this is WHY I am continually SEEKING HIM, as all aboard, the hott mess express is coming through, and my first stop is SEEING HIM.  Again, HE is telling me I NEED to trust the process.  HIS plans are amazing for my life, and even all the wrong in my life, will be made good through HIS glory, because well HE is just that merciful, that loving, that giving.

Remember Dear Heart that MY love is far Greater for you than any stronghold, as I AM greater than your enemy.  HE is wanting me to remember that in the moments where I feel frustrated, and feel my anger rising, HE doesn't want me to react in anger, rather just whisper HIS name, and HE will be there, HE's already there, HE's just waiting for me to acknowledge HIM.  This for me makes me cringe, as so often I live as if though I'm all alone, and man if I stopped to think about how HE is right there always..... wow the things I wouldn't say or do.

Remember to PRAISE HIM in ALL circumstances, sing songs of WORSHIP for HIM, about HIM, PRAISE HIM and HE will cultivate a clean heart within me.  This thought takes me back to when I first lost Seth.  Songs of worship were painful for me, as how could I praise someone who allowed so much pain to be inflicted upon me.  How could anything possibly ever be good again.  How LORD how will you mend my broken heart, how could you possibly bind up these wounds?  How will I ever smile again, breathe again, live again?  How LORD, how?  For months I couldn't pray, couldn't praise, couldn't hold my head up.  I sat in my office with my head on my bible, and sobbed for hours in the early morning hours before my family was awake.  After wards I would sit with my children and watch mindless t.v., eat, consume endless amounts of coffee drinks, cry, and stare blankly at nothing... my world was dark, the sun literally didn't shine for months, and rained non-stop for over a month.  It was all so unbearable, yet HE kept speaking HIS promises to me, and slowly I began to HOPE again, to BELIEVE again, and it wasn't until six months ago that I began to SEE HIS light once again.  Living in darkness for 2.5 years was the most terrifying moments in my life.  Even more so when my life was threatened as I was growing up, as this darkness was all consuming, and the only thing that kept me holding on was my unwillingness to allow darkness to overtake me, and take away HIS promise of forever that is waiting for me.  I was determined to survive, so that I will be able to spend eternity with HIM, my son, my family, and my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  HE prepared my heart just two weeks before with a message of PRAISE HIM for other's blessings, even when you are going through something, cultivating a grateful heart, a Praise filled heart, will keep you rooted, anchored.  Oh how HE knew I would cling to that message for the next 3+ years.  I still cling to it, as HE knows what's best for me.

Remember Dear Heart that everything is this life is temporary.... I AM ETERNAL.  This for me is HIM saying that the sorrow, the grief, the suffering that I must endure in this lifetime, is just temporary.  Soon and very soon I will be with HIM where HE will wipe away every single tear, and I will be filled with overwhelming JOY, and all I will be able to do, all I will want to do is PRAISE HIM.  This is HIS loving message to me this morning, that "Hold fast Dear Heart, I'm making a way where you don't see one, TRUST ME, and I will SHINE MY LIGHT to where you need to walk.   SEEK ME first in everything, and I will direct your thoughts, and shape and mold your words to be life breathing.  Together Dear Heart we will break you FREE of your stronghold, as I have overcome the world, and there is NOTHING for you to worry about."


"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray for your wounded, achy, weary hearts right in this very moment.  I pray that you will SEEK HIM, and allow HIS living water to be poured over you and in you and flow through you.  I pray that you will SEEK HIM to show you what roots have been planted in your life, so that you too will bear living giving, life breathing fruit.  I pray that no matter who you are, or where you been, what you done, or haven't done you will know that HE is there, welcoming you with open arms.  I pray that no matter how many times you've had to repent the same strongholds in your life, I pray that you will TRUST HIM enough to lead you back to your roots.

Always my dear friends, with love and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather












Wednesday, January 3, 2018

enough......

So I have a confession to make.  Since losing Seth I've looked to other mom's of boys and asked HIM why it was that I wasn't allowed to raise both of my boys together.  Why it was that my chances of being a mom of boys in the flesh was over.  My anger my jealousy stems from that question.  A question that has since then plagued my relationship with my son whom I am still raising.  Without knowing it, the agreement that I made in my Mama heart that I wasn't enough, deserving... good.... grateful..... gracious.... willing..... it all left me feeling unable to be his Mama.... well that is until this morning.

Can I just say, "PRAISE JESUS" Praise HIM for rescuing me from my thoughts.  For teaching me to take each and every single though I have captive.  Although I'm not that great of a listener.... and well we've long since established that I am a slooooooooooooooooow learner.  Thankfully HE knows that, knew that and HE knew that when the time was right, and I opened my heart to HIS teachings HE would meet me right where I was, and friends, this morning was exactly that!

Pen to paper the words, the pain, the anguish flowed from my heart, poured out in my hearts cry to my ABBA,  The feeling of utter defeat consumed my every thought.  Feeling of failure as my words of last night spoken to my son replayed over in my mind.  For that matter my words for the past two months.  Words that are a part of shaping and molding who he is, and who he will become.  The crushing reality that I am responsible for the future struggles of confidence that he will now face.  It was ALL consuming.  

The more I wrote that more I felt HIS embrace ready to hold me, to hold my wounded, aching, repentant heart.  I cried deep into HIS chest the utter shame I felt of the way I've spoken, the way I've responded to conflict , the agreements that I made in my heart, the thoughts that I didn't take captive, and the word's that came from my mouth the week of Christmas when my son and I were battling it out.  "I look at you and I don't see my son, the sweet boy I raised.... both of my boys are dead."  Sheer horror came over his face, and I cried my eyes out, too late to take it back, NEVER enough sorry's to cover the pain that I allowed to flow in anger out of my mouth.  Just writing it makes me well up with tears, as he's forgiven me, and I well.... quite honestly have yet to forgive myself.

Writing all of this out, sharing it with you is some of my darkest moments as a Mama.  Moments that I would choose to keep private, however because HE loves me so much, HE is asking me to be transparent, real, raw, and honest about the ugliness that festers deep inside of me.  All because of the agreements I made that I wasn't good enough to be a mom of boys here on earth.  An agreement that basically said, "you blew it, and failed in so many ways, took it all for granted, and now it's been taken from you. You, Heather are the reason that your children must suffer, and you are blaming them?  You don't deserve to be a Mama, you don't deserve anything."  Over and over this agreement has played like a broken record in my mind, and slowly began to penetrate my heart.

Even now as I sit here typing, HE is holding me, Speaking deep into my heart, over and over, that while in the flesh I am not enough...... with HIM, through HIM, because of HIM, I, Heather Daughter to the KING am more than enough.  HE is wanting me to get it through my head, really HEAR HIM when HE says, that there is "NO CONDEMNATION in CHRIST JESUS." Romans 8:1  HE is telling me that I have forgotten that little gem along the way.  HE is wanting me to SEE myself as HE SEE's me, and when I am able to do that, then I will SEE my children as HE SEE's them, and most importantly where I "think" I am undeserving, HE is ALL knowing, ALL loving, and has amazing plans for each of us.  All of which lead me to the understanding that  Seth's amazing plan didn't include me for a lifetime in my scale of lifetime, rather his lifetime was just shy of two years, and when I SEE things through HIS eyes, I will SEE that I was a part of Seth's entire lifetime.

Just as I was apart of Seth's, I am also apart of my son Isaac's lifetime.  I have been CHOSEN to be his Mama.  To love him, care for him, teach him, and cherish him.  Writing that out seems all fine and good, but then the human attitudes and feelings come into play, and leave me wiped out, as really I haven't a clue as to how to do anything for my son, and since I don't know how, I "try" in all of my human understanding  to figure things out...... completely failing to recognize, to realize that the enemy is hard at work wreaking major havoc in our relationship.  Creating agreements that tear us further apart.  

This morning HE is removing the blinders that I have put on, by revealing HIS truth to my struggle, my circumstances with my son.  HE is wanting me to SEE that it's not that I am NOT enough, rather I am forgetting that HE is.  It's not that I am not patient enough..... gracious enough..... loving enough.... it's that I am forgetting that HE is!!!! HE is more than enough, and through HIM and with HIM I will be enough!!! HE will give me everything I NEED to be Mama to each of my children.  

So often I think that I have lost my way in how to be Seth's Mama, and when I open my heart to that reality, HE is right there to fill me with HIS truth.  I am Seth's Mama, I was CHOSEN on purpose to be his Mama.  I may not get to raise him, and be with him right now.  However, I can share his life of who he was, what he did, and live out the impact that he made on my life.  I can tell people that I am a far greater, more loving person for having known him.  

Then my thoughts lead me back to, greater person, more loving.... HA!!! what a joke!!!  Which is the enemy taunting me, and HE is reminding me to take those thoughts captive, as I don't have to agree with EVERYTHING that I think of, as when my thoughts aren't CHRIST centered thoughts, that means they are less than honoring, and are designed, calculated specifically to trip me up, and keep me feeling defeated.

Just realizing this, makes my blood boil, as how many times I am having a good day, good meaning I'm doing  life with HIM, and all the sudden out of the blue, major conflict arises.  While I may remain calm, and in control at first.... all it takes is about a billion times of repeating myself in my stern, yet sweet Mama voice until........ Brunhilda has had enough, and crazy lunatic Mama emerges, and it's on like Donkey Kong, and OFF with their heads, as heads are surely gonna roll because Mama has had enough!!!  

This all is HIS way of teaching me today that I am indeed human, and that the only way I can truly do this life is with HIM.  HE is telling me that I must get this from my head, and buried deep in my heart...... while I can't...... HE CAN, HE WILL, HE DOES..... ALWAYS!!!  HE is wanting me to remember that through HIM, with HIM I can DO ALL THINGS!!!!  This means even dealing with aggravating situations.  HE is telling me that all I NEED to do is to  BE STILL and KNOW that HE IS GOD!!! Psalm 46:10

I must remember that while I don't SEE the way, HE knows the way, and all I have to do is SEEK HIM and HE will teach, lead, and guide me on the path that I am to walk.  HIS loving reminder is this that coincidentally I am FOREVER trying to teach my children that they don't have to accept the invitation to EVERY fight that they receive.  Whoahhhhh talk about humble pie.  

So just for today, for this moment, I am going to soak in, meditate on HIS word as HIS word is the lamp unto my feet, and light unto my path. Psalm 119:105  Today I am leaning in, pressing in, letting go and letting HIM.  Seeking HIM moment to moment, as that is all my human brain can handle, as life is still pretty overwhelming.  HE is wanting me to know that this is what HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is about for me today.  For me to seek HIM, when I feel less than, and allow HIM to transform my mind, my heart with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that with HIM, through HIM I will be more than enough.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS it is my prayer that if you too have found yourself unable to "deal" with life, with people, with your circumstances, that you will cry out to HIM, and allow HIM to give you the rest that you are in need of as HE begins to transform, renew, refine, rebuke any and all lies that live in your heart.  I pray that you come to know HIM as your loving FATHER in HEAVEN and SEE that HE truly only wants whats best for your life.  I pray that you will let go, and let HIM, and in the moments where you are rendered speechless, as your life, and other's depend on it, I pray that you will take that time to just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!!  I pray that you will know that no matter what you may have said or done in your life, HE is there, HE loves you, and HIS arms are opened wide for you to be held in HIS loving, gracious, merciful, peaceful embrace.

Always dear ones, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

begin again.....

Deep from within the HEAVENS to the deepest part of me, I felt HIM calling me this morning, to wake up, and come join HIM and SEE that HE is doing a new thing.  To be honest I was feeling pretty awful as my NEW YEAR hasn't gone according to my plan.  I was so disappointed in myself for not keeping to the commitment I "tried" to make with myself in journaling EVERY single day this year, and writing the blog as much as I felt led.  However, since HE loves me so much more than I even care for myself, HE met me right where I was, and showered me with HIS grace to begin again.

A new year means new beginnings, means new life, means a fresh start.  My mind was all consumed with the fact that January 1st marked the start of a new year, and if I didn't stick with my commitments that I made then I would be failing at my fresh start, and miss out on my year of new beginnings.  Well I can tell you that after spending time in HIS word this morning, and SEEKING HIM to show me HIS ways, I know that HE is definitely working on my heart to SEE and understand that with each new day that I wake up here on this earth is HIS loving invitation for me to begin again.

Even the title of today's blog is something different from what I had planned.  I was certain that HE wanted me to write about how HE is close to the brokenhearted.... which HE is, however HE knew there were more pressing matters to be dealt with when it comes to my heart and my mind.   HE knew that had HE not intervened in showing me that I NEVER have to wait for a NEW YEAR to come around just so I can begin again.

So often I get in my own way of doing things HIS way.  I trip over myself in "trying" when really I NEED to remember that while I'm over here all "trying" HE IS BEING, has BEEN, WILL BE, FOREVER even though I am not.  I lose sight of WHO HE IS, and forget that I wasn't created to live this life alone.  I wasn't chosen and placed in this role of my life by chance.  NO, I was created ON PURPOSE for HIS PURPOSE to fulfill my part in HIS MISSION to BE HIS LIGHT.

Before I lost Seth HE led me through a season of learning WHO HE IS, and because of that I learned WHOSE I am, and because of that I know that was HIS purpose to help me survive the massive fall off the jagged cliff into the deepest, darkest ocean of agony, anguish, and overwhelming pain I had ever known.  Since then HE has led me on a journey of experiences of being HIS child, and what that means for me in fulfilling my purpose for HIS mission.

I couldn't have imagined, nor did I dare imagine at first getting to the place where I am today.  Which is enjoying being in HIS presence.  I write this because for so long I hated HIM, I hated what HE allowed, and I didn't trust HIM.  However the more I hated HIM, screamed, swore at HIM the more HE loved me.  The more HE reminded me of WHOSE I am, and WHO HE IS, and WHAT HE HAS DONE, and WHAT HE WILL DO.  NEVER could I have imagined how HE would transform me through my grief in the loss of my precious son.

It was six months ago where I looked out upon the horizon and began to SEE the shoreline.  The beautiful SHORE line where the other survivors were living their forever irrevocably changed lives.  The shoreline became my goal, and as each day passed I found myself getting closer, but not quite enough to stand up without be ripped back out into the ocean by the tide's of grief, and sorrow.

Three months ago I had come to the end of myself once again, as I laid there in a pool of tears, covered in snot, as a call orchestrated by HIM came through on my cell phone.  I was laying face down on my bathroom floor..... feeling as if though I couldn't possibly go on anymore.  Not that I was giving up living, but I was done living for HIM.  It was too hard..... too painful..... to overwhelming, and even though I loved HIM I couldn't possibly take another step as no matter how hard I tried to get on shore, and remain on shore.... it all seemed too overwhelmingly impossible.

As the tears poured from my eyes and my heart, my soul sister N spoke.... honestly  I don't remember what she said that day, but what I do know is this.  She answered HIS call that day to be an intercessor of prayer for me.  MIGHTY and BOLD in her prayers for strength, grace, mercy, renewal of mind, and soothing balm for my aching heart.  She prayed for my family, for new beginnings, and for overwhelming peace.

It was after that phone call where I felt something come ALIVE deep within me again.  A familiar yet different feeling that I hadn't felt is so long.  A feeling of "get up, wash your face, and SEE that yesterday is a closing door, your past does NOT define you, this moment does NOT define you, I DEFINE you.  I created you on purpose  for MY purpose.  While you may think that it's too late I'M telling you that with ME, through ME you can begin again."

This morning HE is taking me back to that moment, and showing me that it's NEVER too late to begin again.  HE is teaching me that the more that I seek HIM, and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me, I must realize that even though I "think" I understand and am doing things HIS way, HE won't hesitate to lead me right back around to begin again.

This for me is very frustrating especially when it comes to forgiveness of others, as well I am human, and well in my humanness I struggle with self entitlement when it comes to my "feelings" and as I have learned, and will continue to learn my "feelings" always get in the way of the cleansing of my heart, and mind through HIS promise that when I choose to truly forgive someone it won't matter what is said, or how it is said, what will matter is that I have HIS JOY planted firmly, deeply rooted in my heart, and no matter what may come my way, through HIM I will RISE above my circumstances.

HE is letting me know that this even means when someone is nasty in traffic, or at the grocery store.  HE is wanting me to remember that each person that my eye's see HE deeply loves them, desires a relationship with them, and that when I am willing HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT through me, so that they will SEE HIM through me.  HE is telling me that in seeking HIM to transform, renew, restore, refine me, I must understand that because HE loves me HE will continue to lead me back around to begin again.

Today I am grateful in knowing that my way isn't the way I have to live, that there is a better way.  Today I am thankful that I can look back on my journey of begin again's and SEE how far I've come, because HE has carried me this far.  I am overwhelmed by how much further HE can SEE into my journey, and know what blessings are waiting to be discovered by me.  I am in awe of my SAVIOR, my JESUS, my JOY, my LORD, my COMFORTER, my DELIVERER.  I am standing on the survivor's shore, SHINING HIS LIGHT, all because HE IS.  I am in right standing with HIM, as I humbly walk with HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me every step of the way.  I am choosing to TRUST HIM, that HE can, and will lead me where my TRUST is without borders, even if.... my heart is shattered.... even if a cliff appears.... even if I'm dragged back out into the ocean.... I know and BELIEVE that with HIM no matter what I can always begin again.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that if you have come to the end of yourself, and don't know which way to go, I pray that you will humble yourselves and seek HIM to lead you.  TRUST HIM that HE is holding you and that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted.  I pray that you will know that in the midst of your sorrow, sadness, and pain that HE is there, and that your pain is KNOWN.  I pray that HIS word will become a soothing balm for your aching tattered and bruised heart.  I pray that my journey will be that of HIS message of HOPE to you that though to the human eyes we cannot see beyond our circumstances, I pray that you will come to a place of TRUST and know that HE does, and when you are ready HE will lead you on your journey to begin again.

always my dear friends, with so much love, compassion, prayers, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Saturday, October 28, 2017

one life.....

"Cause tomorrow isn't promised.... All we have is one life, is one time......To live and love and make it right......Yesterday is written.....All we have is right now, it's right now.......To celebrate this one and only life" One Life by Danny Gokey


This past Tuesday I attended MOPS at a new church.  This church is another part of the new life that HE has opened the door to in my journey.  Nothing could have possibly prepared me for what would happen in the next two hours to me emotionally and mentally.  I left mops feeling more confused, upset, angry, and frustrated than I have been in quite some time, and little did I know that my breakthrough, my comeback was just around the corner.

MOPS is for mother's of preschooler's and well I just believe its for mom's in general.  After all we all need support, and community to help us, encourage us, and pray for us during our journey.  For me, mops is bittersweet.  Having only attended once with Seth, I was apprehensive to attend with Joy.   However, HE placed an amazing soul sister in my life to help me, and encourage me to take the necessary steps in healing to move forward with my life. 

As I sat down at our table, I was oblivious to what was about to transpire, and how I would leave forever changed.  Changed in a way that blew me away, and changed for HIS glory..  Changed to break free of the anger I felt in being dealt such a crappy hand in life.  I'm not a huge fan of change, however I am thankful for the breakthrough.

There was a panel of four moms sharing their journey to motherhood.  As they each took turns sharing their stories of life, loss, struggle, pain, and suffering, I struggled to hear their words.  I tried hard to not cry about myself, and my loss, but really SEE them as HE SEES them.  However, I was in a huge battle with my flesh, and desperately wanted and needed relief from HIS HOLY SPIRIT.

I left MOPS that day, wiped out, cried out, and angry.  Opening the door to isolation, pain, and despair..  That is until.......... I realized that living in pain, is NOT my present, living in pain is what I did for three years,   No longer am I isolated by my pain, rather I am comforted to know that my pain is known.  That day at mops made me realize that there are only so many words known in the world to describe pain, and my words, are the words of so many, each dealing with their own pain, loss, agony, and suffering.

I've struggled for quite some time now with anger towards people who want to equate their pain with mine, or not even me personally but in general.  I was especially angry at people who were missing their children who moved out, joined the world of adulting, and who were making adult choices.  I was angry because I too have joined that world, as my oldest moved out six months ago.  I was angry because I missed my daughter, however, it wasn't the same.  I was angry because missing my daughter came with reprieve.  I was able to see her, talk to her and hug her.  Missing my son,  it's torture.... to know that he lives on where I won't see him again in this life, hear his laugh, or hold him in my arms.  Missing him is my only pain I carry.   The burden of missing him is my suffering.  

My anger reached an all time high, as I struggled to function with all the hurting people in this world.  This past Tuesday HE opened my eyes, and flooded me with HIS WISDOM that pain, in human thinking, knowing, and understanding.... is pain.  My pain isn't greater than anyone else's  My pain as a mother who's lost her child is not of greater significance than a wife who loses her husband.  My pain is unique, as I am unique, as NO two people are alike.  I have learned the only difference in our lives is how we deal with the pain.  

I have learned that the enemy, my enemy would love nothing more than for me to be imprisoned by my pain.  I realized this as I began to take apart my thinking, my understanding, my emotions, as to why I was responding so emotionally to their stories..... to my anger.  I realized that I'm not who I used to be beginning three years ago.  Nor am I the same as five years ago.  Rather I am who I used to be as in knowing and claiming WHO i am, because HE embedded HIS word so deeply in my heart, to cling to, lean on, and press through in the most horrific season of my life.  

That season, is so yesterday.  It's in my past, it is my past.  This season is the promise of ONE LIFE, ONE LIFE to LIVE fully, purposefully, surrendering, risking the cliffs and oceans to tell the world all about JESUS.  This season is for me to let go of my plans, my will..... and for the cry of my heart to be LORD not my will, by THY will be done.

I wouldn't have chosen to live my life this way, for the heartache, loss, and suffering, however I am so thankful that HE is the AUTHOR and PERFECTER of my FAITH.  I am thankful as without HIM I wouldn't have survived the death of my son.  I am thankful that I am able to hold my head up, and SEE the world through HIS eyes, as HE has been, is, and will continue to heal me from inside out.  I am thankful that I have been given this ONE LIFE, ONE TIME, TO LIVE, TO LOVE, TO MAKE  IT RIGHT, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

" fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

In this ONE LIFE I can say that my desire to let HIS GLORY SHINE in me and through me as HIS BROKEN VESSEL to be HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, that even when you find yourself shattered in the blink of an eye and the life you once knew in a billion pieces, my story, HIS glory will be made known that HE makes things ALL things new.  Not that I have forgotten what has happened, or that I don't miss my son, but like it or not, I have this ONE LIFE to LIVE.

I could sit all day, and think, remember, and cry.  I could be bitter, angry, depressed, isolated, and overwhelmed by sadness. I could do all of those things, however I have been given a choice in how I choose to LIVE my life.  I have lost so much in my lifetime, but gained even more through HIM as HE has filled my heart, saved my soul, and redeemed me.  HE has loved me with an ever lasting love, a love that knows no bounds, that is patient, kind, and understanding.  I have survived, I am out of the ocean of grief, and standing on the survivor's shore.  I stand ready, waiting, and willing to LIVE this ONE LIFE.


My Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS,  I often wondered if the desire to write again would come back to me, or if writing would be only in my past.  I am thankful that HE has placed that desire in my heart once again.  Today it is my prayer that if you find yourself searching, looking, wondering where the you and used to be went, I pray that you let HIM hear your hearts cry.  Cry out to HIM and let HIM open the doors that need to be opened, and close the ones that aren't HIS best for your life.  I pray that you will find peace with your past, and living in the present, and HE fills you with excitement for your future.  Friends, we are given but only ONE LIFE to live, may your life SHINE HIS GLORY for ALL to SEE as you continue on your journey.

With so much, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Thursday, August 3, 2017

rebuilding

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up" Deuteronomy 6:5-7

To be honest I have been devastated by the loss of my son, but also the loss of who we were, and all the struggles for recovery in each of us.  To watch my family fall apart while I couldn't even function to keep up with my daily tasks at hand.  After a year of "trying" to do things on my own, at the loving advice of my soul sister, and therapist K, I decided I would give medicine a try.  All the while I was taking it, I was resentful that this is what had become of my life.

With each month that passed, and onto each year, I felt like I was living in this cruel punishment, as not being able to raise my son with his siblings, I also had to swallow back the tears, and deal with the very fact that all my hopes and dreams that I poured out to HIM were being denied.  I was so full of anger, that anytime I saw others living the life I had hoped, dreamt, and prayed for, it was my undoing.  I lashed out in anger, I allowed the lies of the enemy to penetrate my heart, as the broken record played over and over.  I was truly living in misery, and suffering.  I was missing out on my life, and I was desperate for relief.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart    and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

I wish I could say that I'm doing okay, but the truth is, okay isn't even in my vocabulary.  My word that I use to describe my life is rebuilding.  The hardest part of rebuilding is all the cuts, scrapes, and bruises that come with restructuring, and for me that meant, harsh reality being revealed, and pummeling my heart daily.  Having the scab ripped off my heart in all the would have been and what will never be..... all of it has leveled me over and over again.  Each time the walls of my heart were being torn down, I became even more discouraged.  Desperate for relief, pleading and begging for HIS plans to be revealed to me, all the while hanging on by my fingertips, TRUSTING and BELIEVING in HIM, keeping HIS promises written deep in my heart.  I clung to JESUS, I cling to JESUS, so that I remain anchored in HIS HOPE.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

I've spent the last few days immersed in immense pain, and soaked with bitter, angry, hurt, jealous, frustrated tears.  I prayed, begged, and pleaded to RUN OUT OF TEARS, yet they still fell.  The more I "tried" the harder I fell.  Yesterday I reached my breaking point.  I posted a depressing picture on social media, with my words of defeat, and sadly just hating my life, hating my journey, hating the pain, just so full of hate.  I went to bed last night wondering how in the hell I am going to survive the rest of my life..... this can't be all there is...... please LORD JESUS, PLEASE HELP ME.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

This morning, I was determined to keep myself busy so not to think about anything.  However because HE loves me, HE led me to TIME HOP an app on my phone.  At first I was confused as to why, as the year's passed they started to reveal memories of oblivious living.  When I swiped to 8 years ago there we were, my husband, my grams, and myself..... smiling.... happy completely unaware of the tragedy that she lived through, and that we would endure just a few years down the road

When I was a little girl I remember my gram telling me her life story.  I had vague memories that her daughter had passed away when she was 40.  I remember her tears, tears that I now understand and know as she too lost her baby.  The tragedy of failed marriages, and abuse, all of it, showed in her eyes that day.  She poured her heart out to me, and I was so oblivious to her raw emotions, as I was still a little girl.  

As I looked at the picture on my phone, I felt HIM speak to me.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIM telling me that though I don't feel like I can, and wonder how I will ever rebuild my life after this unimaginable loss, HE is reminding me of the one HE sent to love me unconditionally.  Thinking back on my life with my grams, I smile because she was the only person in my life whom I felt safe with.  She loved me with her eyes..... even her nickname for me made me smile.  "Sugarbabe" is what she called me.  

When I was 30 years old my grams second daughter passed away.  I remember sitting with my grams at the funeral, wiping her tears from her eyes as the agony of which her words were spoken to me, "I've lost both of my kids..... ohhhh JESUS please have mercy."  Being a mama to four at that time I couldn't even begin to fathom how much she hurt.  I held her as she cried trembling in my arms.  

Thinking back to that day, another revelation has come to me that my grams second daughter my dad's mom, she too buried one of her children, her daughter.  The realization that floods my mind is that I am the 3rd generation in my family to bury a child.  To me that means that both of my grandmother's suffered in this life from much of what I am now going through myself.

HE is taking me back to my childhood and allowing me to see them through HIS eyes.  HE is showing me how HE led each of them through their own process of rebuilding.  My grams was the most memorable to me, as she truly turned her life around, gave her life to the LORD, and loved her family fiercely.  She was completely committed to living, and leaving a life of legacy modeling unconditional love to each of us.  Realizing this just now, I am taken back to the last moment at my grams funeral where I felt HIM speak deep into my heart, "it's all you now, it's your turn to live and leave a legacy."  

Scared, but willing, I vowed to do just that.  All the while wondering what that even looked like for me......  well that is until 4pm on October 13, 2014.  The day where I was shoved off  a jagged cliff, which shattered my heart into a billion pieces.  All the while flooded HIM with questions of how, and why, and what now, and when.  Slowly but surely HE is removing the shards from my shattered heart, and healing me from the inside out.  HE is giving me the tools to rebuild my life, all of which is so horrendously exhausting.

All because HE loves me, I am able to write today, I am able to smile today, I am able to just BE because I'm NOT but HE IS.  Today I am overwhelmed by HIS amazing grace, unfailing love, and overwhelming peace. I am thankful that HE has shown me in my lifetime how to rebuild, and TRUSTING HIM with the process.  I am learning that even though I "think" I want to be done, HE knows that I couldn't possibly fix everything at once, as it would overwhelm me even further that I already am.  I am learning that I will never stop grieving my son, as I will NEVER stop loving my son.  I am convinced that this is HIS plan, this rebuilding, this process, and on the days where the wounds are excruciating I will RUN to HIM, and throw myself in HIS arms, as HE will soothe and bind up my wounds so that I can continue the process with HIM.  I know that HIS TRUE JOY is found in everything, as even though life hurts, HE is with me, and that for me is HIM wanting me to know  HIS JOY in the heartache.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18


"He heals the brokenhearted  and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3


My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray today that if you find yourself today immersed in pain, I pray that you will know that no matter what you may have said, or done in this life, HE is there for you.  HE is waiting for you, and HE is ready to pour HIS love into you, and shower you with HIS grace.  When you open your heart to HIM, HE will fill you with HIS perfect peace, the kind of peace the surpasses any understanding that any of us can have.  I pray that if you feel as you can't today, HE can, HE will, and when you are ready, HE will teach, lead, and guide you to rebuilding your life.

Always dear ones, always with so much love, compassion, and understanding, 


Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 


Saturday, June 10, 2017

when life happens....

"GOD didn't give us a spirit that is timid but one that is powerful, loving, and self-controlled." 2 Timothy 1:7

While setting up my desk in my room this morning, I came across this coffee cup of cards from a conference I attended six months before Seth passed.  It was during that conference that I felt alive, and finally free of so much of my past that had been weighing me down.  I felt confident, secure, and so sure that I had already been the lowest in life, so the only way was up for me.  How wrong, and foolish I had been, as I hadn't realized what my lowest in life was...... that is until life happened.

The six months leading up to Seth's death was full of so many transformations, blessings, and restorations between myself and those that I love.  I was truly letting go, and letting HIM lead me to do the things that HE wanted me to.  Not that I always "felt" like doing them, yet I knew a fire burned so intensely deep within, and I knew that HE was in control and the steps that HE was asking me to take, and every challenge, trial, test, and storm was for my own good.

It's been three years since I took those steps of FAITH and leaped when HE called me to, and looking back on that time in my life, I realized that was HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that planted a seed in me, that when life happens..... it was HIS voice calling deep into my shattered heart, "HOLD ON DEAR HEART.... I AM WITH YOU."

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" Psalm 91:4

HIS Daily Teachings today is taken me back through the most horrendous season of my life.  The time where grief consumed, and fear often led, and my emotions took over.  A time where everywhere I looked all I could see was how much we lost, that I couldn't even see the blessings that were being poured over me, into me, and through me.  I lost sight of WHO HE IS in me, and I forgot how HIS POWER was in me to be fearless, powerful, confident, and would enable me to remain self-controlled.

This morning HE is wanting me to PUT ON HIS ARMOR, and BE ready for the day ahead.  Not that I will be in control of life, however I will be in control of myself when life happens.  HE is reminding me of all the times before when HE led me through dark waters in my life, that I was able to stay calm, and know that HE had amazing plans for my life. 

In the need to be so transparent, as I feel I have a responsibility to share just how dark my world had become in the loss of my son, I need to tell you how I began to think that my life was cursed.  That the enemy had more power over me, that HIS power in me.  I even began to speak those words out loud, and slowly but surely it began to change me.

However, because HE loves me too much to let me fall, and believe the lies of the one who hates me the most, HE kept calling to the deepest part of me.... "I'M WITH YOU, SEE MY LIGHT, HOLD ON DEAR HEART." Through HIS endless pursuit for me to TRUST HIM, HE would reveal that the enemy would love nothing more that to see me completely destroyed, and watch me give up, and leave this world by my own free will.  Thus robbing me of eternal life with HIM, ruining my chance to see my son once again.

Just reading those words about the enemy..... ohhh makes my blood boil.  I have come to understand what GOD'S anger is like, and how HE has instilled me HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER.  This anger is the driving force to LIVE the life that HE has planned for me.  This anger has filled me with HIS power to run, crawl, leap, jump, what ever I need to do to keep on this journey that HE has planned for me.  I long to hear, and I WILL hear at the end of my life, "well done good and faithful servant." I know that is my FUTURE, because HE holds my FUTURE. 

HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER has instilled in my the tenacity to keep going, as I haven't gone through all I've been through for nothing.  No matter what happens, I am going to keep going, I'm not giving up, and I running all the way to the end telling the world all about JESUS.  I am NOT going quietly, and I am NOT going alone, I'm bringing as many people as I can with me.  I will not HIDE HIS LIGHT, I WILL BE FEARLESS, I AM NOT TIMID, NOR SHY, I AM HIS BEAUTIFUL, CHOSEN, LIGHT-SHINER, WHO IS ROYAL IN HIS EYES!!! 

The empowerment I feel by HIM is life-breathing, and I'm so grateful that I'm in this place of contentment with knowing that I have started living my life once again.  It has been through HIS unconditional love, endless peace, and overwhelming grace.... I have survived, and am now beginning to THRIVE!!!

Child loss is unimaginable, it takes away pieces of you, and leaves you so broken, and makes you question everything you ever believed in.  The pain puts your FAITH in a vice grip, and it's all you can do is hold on.  Hold on and pray, and wait, and cry for the day where relief washes over you, as the life of agony that you have endured for so long, finally has color in it again.  Losing my son, has taught me that even those with the strongest of FAITH, deepest relationship with JESUS will fall..... and though we will fall, HIS hands will NEVER let go, and slowly through HIS timing and provision HE will lead us through the pain, the suffering, the agony, and the aching of longing to hold our children once again.  I have learned that I will always miss my son, I will cry for him, and long for the day to be reunited with him, but missing him will no longer destroy me, or negatively effect the way I respond to things when life happens.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

How my heart aches for each and everyone of us who knows this deep immense pain of loss, whether it be your child, brother, sister, mom, dad, anyone whom you've lost that has been your whole world, oh dear ones I pray for your heart right now.  This very moment I ask JESUS to comfort you, release the tears, and pour HIS peace into each of you.  I pray that though the pain won't ever go away, the agony will, and will allow you to see your own life through a colored lens once again.  Hold on Dear Ones, the darkness will NOT overcome, HE as already over come it with HIS light.  I pray that if you are in the darkest abyss of pain, I pray you will cry out to JESUS, and let HIM rescue you. 

Always, my dear brothers and sisters, always with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather