For the past two weeks I've fallen deep into the pit of despair once again. Starting on Friday June 12, when one of our most beloved Christian you tube, VOICE contestant singer Christina Grimmie's life was cut too short at the tender age of 22. My heart broke instantly for her family, for the life altering change that they were enduring, and the trauma of losing someone so young. As if my heart weren't aching enough, Sunday morning I woke to the news that 50 people lost their lives in a senseless mass shooting at a popular gay nightclub in Orlando. Once again my heart broke for the families of those who lost loved ones and who's lives were forever altered. I dropped to my knees, and prayed for each and every parent, brother, sister, family member, lover, and friend of each of the precious souls that were lost. I also prayed for the shooter's family, in both shootings, and the loss of their own children. My heart was immensely broken knowing full well that another family was having to endure this horrific journey of loss.
On Monday I was wiped out from crying, as I tried desperately to focus on HIS goodness. However Tuesday morning I woke to horrific news that a precious 2 year old named Lane Graves, was snatched at the Grand Floridian Resort at Walt Disney World by an alligator, while wading with his Daddy at the Seven Seas Lagoon. Immediately tears fell from my broken and weary heart. Prayers of tears flowed like streams and pooled at my feet as oceans. As I cried for the boys parents, and older sister, and through my tears I began to relieve my grief and my sorrow took over and threw me right back into the pit of despair that we were in the moments of losing Seth. I was consumed with RIGHTEOUS Anger for the trauma we endured in losing Seth, and the trauma that they too endured in losing their precious son Lane.
On the day that we lost Seth..... I quite literally lost my mind. To this day I can't process things as easily as I once did, and yet I find myself with a much deeper understanding of WHO HE is, and how HE is the CREATOR of the HEAVENS and the Earth, and that means that no matter what plans I have for my life, or my families life, HIS WILL is what will be DONE. Even if it means that my heart is going to break beyond all human comprehension..... and I won't be able to hold my head up anymore, and I will struggle to pray, instead I will groan in agony as I begin to face each and everyday after our devastating loss of our precious Seth Daniel.
In feeling the need to be transparent, I can tell you that I've been so desperately broken in trying to pick up the pieces of my life, my children's live's and my marriage. I have struggled immensely to do life with people, and have struggled to even leave my house to go anywhere I wouldn't be able to keep oblivious to this world that I am so desperately broken.
The truth is this world..... is so desperately broken, but yet continues to strive to "pretend" that life is really okay, and that even though bad things have happened, are happening and will happen HE is still good. I will be the first to tell you that statement is TRUE, however being desperately broken, is so painfully unbearable, and the feeling of failure is immense when you know HE is with you, and yet the pain is so overwhelming. It is in these times that I find myself deep in the pit of despair once again, because each and every step I take hurts, with a pain unimaginable, and all the while I'm clinging on to HIS HOPE by my fingernails, tears streaming down my face...... choosing to TRUST HIM..... knowing full well HE is the ONE WHO allowed my heart to be so tremendously broken.
It is in the pit that the enemy, my enemy..... Satan attacks me....... and he doesn't let up..... not for even a breaths time. When I am in the pit, my mind is flooded with thoughts of anger, anxiety, bitterness, jealousy, and hatred towards anyone and everyone who is living their lives. Suddenly I'm bombarded by precious two, three, and four year old boys. I'm constantly having my heart stab with with visions of all that we are missing out on. When I am in the pit..... so are my children.... as they are the ones WHO are looking to me to guide them to HIM.... to LIVE out HIS HOPE for them. To speak, and proclaim HIS promises for our families lives. When we are all in the pit..... life is....... horrendously unbearable. Our relationships suffer, and our words, actions, and thoughts are everything but GODLY.
It pains me to know that I am responsible for these precious lives, and here I am wasting time being angry and allowing the enemy to knock me down and out. This past week however, I reached up and out of the pit for help. I cried out to HIM, and HE placed on my heart the people of WHOM I was to reach out to, HIS people WHOM HE has strategically placed in my life to SPEAK HIS truth to me. Just today one of my soul-sisters spoke HIS truth to me about how HE will walk this journey with me, but HE won't walk it for me. She lovingly reminding me that at some point in my journey of grief, as devastatingly hard as it is, I, Heather HIS WARRIOR MUST get up, PUT ON HIS ARMOR, and walk, FIGHT, and RUN with ENDURANCE.
Upon hearing this I knew she was right, however the very thought of walking through this pain, with this pain, and everything in between felt so daunting. However if I've learned anything in the past almost two years of this journey of grieving and suffering is that HE promises to provide me comfort and rest when I can't stand anymore, however that doesn't mean that I will be allowed to NEVER walk again.
HIS Daily Teachings today is reminding me that HE is with me ALWAYS, and that when I come to the end of myself, HE is there waiting for me. HE is wanting me to know that HE has been waiting for me to get out of my own way, so that I would be able to HEAR HIM. HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how badly I've been hurt, am hurting, and how much I so desperately fear being hurt EVER again...... HE knows..... and that is WHY HE is reaching down with HIS hand, and pulling me up OUT OF THE PIT.
I am thankful that HE loves me so much that HE won't allow me to remain in the pit for long before sending HIS messengers of HOPE to reach out, and SHINE HIS light for me to SEE, filling me with HIS reminders of WHOSE I am, and WHO HE IS in me. I am thankful that I am living proof that with HIM, and through HIM you can rise up OUT of the PIT. I am thankful for my life, my story, and for HIM giving me the amazing opportunity to advance HIS Kingdom in this broken and fallen world.
I still fully BELIEVE HIS promises that HE has an amazing life planned for me, and that in and through HIS TIMING I WILL BE brought back to my feet, to BE HIS LIGHT, HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, a SPEAKER, and TEACHER of HIS WORD, a SHEPHERD to other grieving parents, just as HE has placed those people in my life, to SHEPHERD me to straight into HIS arms, to BE filled with HIS LOVE, STRENGTH, MERCY, GRACE, PEACE, HOPE, and LIGHT.
Today I read this quote on another grieving Mama's blog..... we will run like horses.... risking the ocean..... telling all the world about JESUS. This my dear friends, is my prayer for not only my life, but yours as well. I pray that we all will grow closer to HIM the more we are in HIS word, and seek HIM to SEE all that HE is doing in our lives. I pray today that each of us will be a blessing to someone in need...... I pray that like me, you will know HIS light is in you, and it's your time to SHINE for JESUS.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1
always, with love, grace, prayers, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,