Saturday, February 18, 2017

fearing loss.....

Okay, I'll be honest in telling you that I check on my daughter Joy at least three to four times a night.  Each time I approach her crib with caution, I hold my breath, and "try" to prepare myself for what is to come.  As if I could really hold it together if something were wrong, that somehow because I survived finding Seth lifeless in his bed,  that somehow I would be able to handle finding Joy.  It all seems to absurd to me that I would even think this way, however when child loss becomes your reality, you tend to fear what you know, and for me that is fearing loss.

I didn't realize just how much I have been fearing loss that is until..... I found myself crying in my doctors office in realizing that my fear of losing Joy has allowed me to pull myself away from her. I realized that the older she is becoming the greater my anxiety has become in not wanting to allow myself to become too attached, as I don't now how long I will have with her. Because lately, when I look at her and she is doing something Seth did, panic rises in my throat, and I can't breathe, and I can't even cry.  All can do is think about how she is growing closer to turning two, and I'm terrified.  I am fearing loss.

This past week has kicked my butt, and knocked me down.  So much that yesterday I completely broke down, and cried from all the pressure, the stress, the everything and anything that was wrong in my life.  I broke down in my doctors office as she explained to me the benefits of the medication I had been taking, and why I should continue to take it.  I cried in realizing that my journey dealing with the mess from my childhood is far from over, the words that I was conditioned to speak of about myself, and believe about myself are wreaking complete havoc on my life.

After three hours of crying, and feeling sorry for myself, I began to pray that I would SEE HIM in all of this, and that I would SEE HIS hand at work in my life.  It wasn't until last night that I felt HIM speak to me.  HE let me know that the words I used to describe myself earlier in the day as "high maintenance" is NOT who I am, however since HE loves me so much, HE is letting me SEE that the work HE is doing within me is to change the words I speak and believe about myself.

HE let me know that what better way to teach me that I am NOT "high maintenance" than to bless me with a job, so I can earn the money I am needing to pay for the things that I deem "high maintenance" in my life.  However I am leaning into HIM, and waiting for HIM to calm my hurting heart about why it is that HE created me with the love language that I have.

It's embarrassing to write that it is words of affirmation, that of which I hardly ever received growing up, and now because I am an adult, I crave....... so much that I find myself craving what people have to say about me or to me, than I do HIM.   In HIM revealing to me that I am this way, I am crushed, as  please LORD  tell me why I was created this way.  Not only that but because I don't experience it as often as I "think" I should, it creates massive anxiety within me, as I begin fearing the loss of friendships, and relationships. As if somehow because I don't experience it the way I see other's do, I think there is something wrong with me, and I am to blame for my own sadness, and fear.

This is so hard for me as what I am learning about what I went through in my childhood has changed me in ways that whenever there is conflict, I automatically take the blame.  This is all derived from being told repeatedly I was "the spawn of Satan" and that whenever someone was sick, my mom's bleeding ulcer, and my granny's pacemaker, our families problems, and the abuse that I suffered from the time I was 4 until I was 15 was my fault, I was to blame, and if the person who hurt me would ever get into trouble it would be all my fault.

Fearing loss began at a very young age for me, as even though I was being abused, I was conditioned and manipulated into believing that he was the only one who would ever truly love me, and that if I ever told, no one would  believe me and what little I saw of my family, they would shut me out for sure.  Knowing what I was told over and over I was terrified, so much that I learned to avoid doing anything that would prompt him to say that to me.

Just as when I went to school and he would berate me everyday afterwards, now knowing and realizing he was making sure I didn't tell anyone what had been happening to me..  Very early on I learned how to disconnect from trauma in my life.  This I know is how I survived finding Seth.  It is how I was able to call the ambulance and not completely lose it to the point where I needed to be hospitalized.  It is also the reason why I was able to be with my son, and get to say all the things I needed to say to him.  Disconnect has helped me survive.

However, PTSD, is a whole other monster, and strikes when I least expect it to, and stops me in my tracks, as find myself every single night.... standing at her crib....... hoping..... praying......... gently placing my hands on her chest to see if she is still breathing.  Holding my breath and looking away when she smiles that sweet drool filled grin so much like her big brother.... so much that no matter how hard I "try" I struggle to keep the fear from taking up permanent residence deep with my heart. 

All of this fearing loss leaves me weary, tired, and broken.  I am completely exhausted from having to be transformed, renewed, rebuilt, and restored.  It all hurts, every single  bit of it, however because HE loves me HIS words are being over me, in me, and through me. 

"GOD can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing.  All you need it FAITH." Joel 2:25

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that if you too are in a difficult season of growth, being rebuilt,, and restored, I pray that you will know it is so you can look back and SEE how far you have come from the lowest time in your life.  I pray that you will SEE that and you will know that just as HE has brought you though that, HE also has amazing plans for your life.  I know how hard life is, especially when everywhere you look there's annoyingly happy people everywhere..  I pray right now that you will be flooded with HIS peace and that your hurting hearts will be held and healed.  I pray that you will receive comfort and grace from HIM as HE sustains you through this difficult maybe even devastatingly time in your life.  And if you have found my blog because you too are living in the aftermath of loss, and you find yourself fearing loss, my dear friends, hold on, I know the waves are crushing you and assaulting you,   but I promise you that HE is there and HE will help you make it to shore and HE will give you all the time you need to stand again.  Grace and peace  be with you all,

with so much, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

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