I go to the familiar places where I once walked with scars from my past, but was able to SEE HIS BEAUTY FROM ASHES. Memories of what once was haunt me, his smile, his laugh, the way he would run..... my smile..... my laugh..... even my tears...... all of which have changed me irrevocably. I close my eyes and try to breathe as my eyes well up with tears of what was..... won't be... the reality of my life crashing into me. All the while I'm aware, people waiting, watching , wondering how I'm really doing, yet I'm not able to say, as my grief, if they really knew..... is so terribly exhausting, and quite frankly would scare the hell out of them.
What I wish they knew was even though the world continued on, my heart.... stopped, frozen in the moment where I last held my son.... our last time as a family smiling, laughing, oblivious to the nightmare that was rapidly approaching...... reliving the moment where what was just a Mama waking up her sweet little guy, ended being a moment where the life was sucked out of me for a few seconds as the shock and horror enfolded before me..... I struggled to make any sound, my mind was screaming..... yet I struggled to even gasp.
I wish they knew how hard the morning of his would be second birthday..... I took a shower, where an ocean of tears were cried, as I struggled to even wash my hair. Dragging myself out of the shower, to get ready...... which I felt was so horribly absurd as I was getting ready to go plan Seth's celebration of life. Sitting in the funeral home office......... looking at caskets..... choosing what we wanted....... driving to the cemetery to choose where we would lay our precious son's body to rest. Looking at the paper that resembled a parking lot... the tears streaming down my face. Listening to the caretaker say..... that corner over there is where we bury the little ones..... staring at the three plots.... the anger rising out of me, saying "I don't f'ning care, this is one is fine." Walking away so angry, so shocked, so hurt, and absolutely devastated that this is what I was doing instead of having his firetruck party.
I wish they knew what it was like to see the pinterest board that we made for Seth's second birthday.... how no candles were blown out, he didn't get to open any presents..... how I hadn't even had a chance to buy him presents as our week was jam packed with activities...... a week that was supposed to be so full of celebrations was now........ filled with the most horrendous agony and sorrow. Plans of celebrations washed away as our living nightmare leveled each of us.
I wish they knew how much I had to pray for peace to allow them to place my sweet little baby love's body in the ground..... asking for HIS understanding, HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that Seth was safe in HIS loving arms, and that Seth was LIVING IN PARADISE waiting.... for each of us to meet him on the bridge into forever.
I wish they knew how much of a struggle it was to realize I needed help in coping, dealing with, and accepting all that has happened in my life. How when my doctors were telling me I needed to be medicated.... how much of a failure I felt.... how much I prayed for more FAITH so that I could endure it on my own. Not wanting to disappoint the people in my life as I've always been known as the strong one. The pressure to just push through and press through was mounting on me breaking me down even more.
I wish they knew what it was like for me to not only be diagnosed with PTSD, but that when I "tried" doing things that I felt I was supposed to do, I fell hard.....flat on my face. Which opened the door to the realization that all my life I have dealt with deep anxiety, depression and panic attacks. All leading to the diagnosis of CHRONIC LIFELONG PTSD of which began a new journey of applying for disability to pay for multiple medications and continual Dr. appointments.... all of which leave me exhausted as I was finally being told that even though I've been so strong my whole life, I was now being told it was okay that I needed help, that I deserved it, and that I wasn't needy or in the wrong for seeking help.
I wish they knew how the holidays.... special days........ ordinary days....... heavy grief days..... are a struggle for me. How the medication I'm on makes my mind numb where it's a struggle to even function through normal daily tasks. All the while I'm feeling so defeated, yet praying for my comeback, that I would be able to function again. All of which leaves me utterly exhausted.
I wish they knew that having to turn down their invitations makes me cry..... how truly bad I feel that I can't just "suck it up buttercup" and "put my big girl pants on" and "just do it." I wish they knew how their criticism, how they feel unfairly treated by my not "sucking it up" "moving on." hurts them...... I wish they knew how unfair and devastating it is for me that I am expected to just keep my feelings to myself, and for the sake of everyone else just deal with it inside, and think about making everyone else comfortable as my grief, my struggle, my life...... my reality makes them uncomfortable.
I wish they knew that even though their lives have moved on leaving them slightly changed, my life.... is something that I don't even recognize anymore....all I can see and feel is darkness more days than I can handle.... HIM walking with me, holding me, leading me and guiding me with HIS glimmer of light shining to keep me walking through the total destruction and aftermath of the most devastating tragedy in my life. I wish they knew how much I cry every single day to swallow back the pills...... the tears..... the if only's .... all so I can function in being there for my husband and children. I wish they knew how horrible I feel that I haven't been able to be the Wife and Mama I once was, and how much it hurts to see my husband long to see the girl he fell in love with.... not this broken hot mess who struggles to help him, be there for him, and even smile. I wish they knew how much it hurts me that all he wants to do is fix me, make me laugh.... smile..... and live again...... and how I so desperately want that too.
Most of all I wish they knew how my diagnosis is not something I chose... but rather happened to me.... this journey.... this season...... how much I hate it...... and how desperately I miss me.... and how desperately I miss my Sweet Seth Daniel..... I wish they knew........