So much has happened in the last 1.5 years. September 2018 I started working full-time for the first time in 15 years as a stay at home mom. Unsure if I was taking the right steps, HE began to lead me through my first year working full time. Steps towards healing that revealed a huge source of deep pain for me. In the same time my second oldest moved out of our home. Another step in forced change. Forced to accept, and embrace, and left me feeling as though my broken heart was exposed once again. I struggle to even write what this past year has been like, as I'm not in a good place right now. To be brutally honest, I am hating life right now. I'm hating how difficult it's all become, and though I can still SEE that HE is good, and how far I've come, I am crushed by my reality. My crushing reality that my now almost four year old doesn't ever want Mama, and only wants her siblings, and her daddy. I am crushed that I had to fight so hard to come back as Mama, and now that I have I don't feel like there is a place for me within our family. I'm struggling at being Mama. I'm struggling at being content. I'm struggling to even just be.
This past week we went back to TN for a family vacation. I had been praying for family resolution, and for relationships to be restored. I was praying for a breakthrough as Mama, for my purpose to be revealed. For my soul to be set on fire once again, to be filled with passion to share HIS word, and was found sitting on the edge of a mountain, drenched in tears as I was anything but content, or on fire, or feeling any sort of purpose at all. My heart was aching for my son, as it's now been five years, too many to still be crying according to this world. Five years of missing a part of me, five years that I've struggled to survive.
This past year has been a massive struggle to TRUST to know... to believe... to press into my faith. In February D and I drove with our crew to GA to say goodbye to my dad as he wasn't doing well. A month later he went into Hospice care. April came and was almost over, and our youngest became extremely ill, and had to be rushed to a Children's Hospital in severe respiratory distress. All I could do was sit and watch helplessly as the doctors and nurses fought to save her. Tears too afraid to even fall, welled up in my eyes, as words failed.... I cried out to HIM, "JESUS , JESUS, JESUS, JESUS" for over an hour. Thankfully she was healed.... here, and I survived another test... another trial through the fire... to hold on, and press into my faith.
One week later in May we had to say goodbye to my dad.. as another piece of my heart went to heaven. My last words to him were, "Kiss Seth for me, hug him for me daddy." I struggled to breathe the night the phone call came, as I knew... I cried myself to sleep, and got up and went to work the next morning. Going to work as if nothing had changed, nothing was hard, nothing hurt, and I was fine. When inside I was screaming from the pain, as the crushing reality set in, my Dad, like Seth... was now gone.... gone.... until my time for forever would begin.
After my Dad's celebration of life, I struggled to keep moving forward, mostly because I was hating how things were in my life. I wanted to call my dad, and cry to him, like I had done when Seth died, and was brutally ripped from our lives. I went back to work, and tried my best to keep positive thoughts, and push through the hard.
For months I've struggled with feeling like a failure that even though I know how much good HE has done in my life, I'm still hurting, and unable to keep moving forward believing for more in this life for myself. So much this afternoon I was reading how to survive feeling as if there is no purpose for your life only to merely survive. As tears streamed from my eyes, the words, "no one cares" spilled from my lips... and brought me straight into HIS waiting arms.
Grief and Loss have taught me that no one is really ever equipped to handle all of your emotions, your feelings, your anger, your agony, your doubt, your disbelief.... well no one except HIM. So all of this leads me to here right now, me sitting at the computer I haven't sat at since Seth died. Typing on the same keyboard that birthed this blog. Spilling out my feelings into words, in hopes that what HE is telling me will sink deep into the darkest spaces of my heart. Writing what life after loss is really like, and how JESUS will be enough to help you get through to the next moment. How HIS breath in your lungs will enable you to breathe when your breath is taken away. How praying won't just make everything better, but will open the gateway from your head to your heart to where heart work will take place. How when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, HE is with us. HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT for us to SEE... to survive, and to eventually THRIVE. I have learned that grief and love go hand in hand, as where there was deep love, there is an even greater loss because it is love that has nowhere to go. Loss that has to be... needs to be healed. Loss that only when your heart is willing to admit, to feel, can be healed from the inside out.
HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has awakened my soul once again in leading me back to where it all began. A day much like today, where feelings of failure, and no purpose, as if my family would be better off without me. A day where I was desperate for a breakthrough. Desperate for purpose, for passion, for life giving change. The song "Reckless Love" plays in the background:
"There's no shadow YOU won't light up
Mountain YOU won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall YOU won't kick down
Lie YOU won't tear down
Coming after me
Once again HE has captured my heart, and has met me in the brokenness of child loss. HE has caught my tears as I've cried to the end of my soul asking once again... "how could you break my heart so badly? How all of this change, struggle, and pain really be a part of YOUR plan. How will you mend this, make this for good, restore this, how LORD... and please LORD help me with my unbelief. Give me the passion, the courage, the determination to keep stepping out, stepping up, and SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS WHO YOU ARE."
Dear One's,
Grief and Loss have changed me, and HIS love has healed me enough... to do what I need for this moment. I pray that if you too are struggling through grief and loss that you will know that you are NOT alone. I pray that you will feel yourself being wrapped in HIS mighty wings and will hear HIS voice speaking HIS promises to you that HE is indeed making a way. Hold Fast Dear Hearts, HE'S in this with you. HE can handle your anger, your hatred, your disbelief, your jealousy, your bitterness, all.of.it. HE can handle, and is in it with you, and will help you. So much my Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS I pray that you will come to know HIM as the GOD of COMFORT, WHO comforts us, so that we may comfort others. Breathe and know Dear One's that you are loved.
With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST,
~ Heather
This past week we went back to TN for a family vacation. I had been praying for family resolution, and for relationships to be restored. I was praying for a breakthrough as Mama, for my purpose to be revealed. For my soul to be set on fire once again, to be filled with passion to share HIS word, and was found sitting on the edge of a mountain, drenched in tears as I was anything but content, or on fire, or feeling any sort of purpose at all. My heart was aching for my son, as it's now been five years, too many to still be crying according to this world. Five years of missing a part of me, five years that I've struggled to survive.
This past year has been a massive struggle to TRUST to know... to believe... to press into my faith. In February D and I drove with our crew to GA to say goodbye to my dad as he wasn't doing well. A month later he went into Hospice care. April came and was almost over, and our youngest became extremely ill, and had to be rushed to a Children's Hospital in severe respiratory distress. All I could do was sit and watch helplessly as the doctors and nurses fought to save her. Tears too afraid to even fall, welled up in my eyes, as words failed.... I cried out to HIM, "JESUS , JESUS, JESUS, JESUS" for over an hour. Thankfully she was healed.... here, and I survived another test... another trial through the fire... to hold on, and press into my faith.
One week later in May we had to say goodbye to my dad.. as another piece of my heart went to heaven. My last words to him were, "Kiss Seth for me, hug him for me daddy." I struggled to breathe the night the phone call came, as I knew... I cried myself to sleep, and got up and went to work the next morning. Going to work as if nothing had changed, nothing was hard, nothing hurt, and I was fine. When inside I was screaming from the pain, as the crushing reality set in, my Dad, like Seth... was now gone.... gone.... until my time for forever would begin.
After my Dad's celebration of life, I struggled to keep moving forward, mostly because I was hating how things were in my life. I wanted to call my dad, and cry to him, like I had done when Seth died, and was brutally ripped from our lives. I went back to work, and tried my best to keep positive thoughts, and push through the hard.
For months I've struggled with feeling like a failure that even though I know how much good HE has done in my life, I'm still hurting, and unable to keep moving forward believing for more in this life for myself. So much this afternoon I was reading how to survive feeling as if there is no purpose for your life only to merely survive. As tears streamed from my eyes, the words, "no one cares" spilled from my lips... and brought me straight into HIS waiting arms.
Grief and Loss have taught me that no one is really ever equipped to handle all of your emotions, your feelings, your anger, your agony, your doubt, your disbelief.... well no one except HIM. So all of this leads me to here right now, me sitting at the computer I haven't sat at since Seth died. Typing on the same keyboard that birthed this blog. Spilling out my feelings into words, in hopes that what HE is telling me will sink deep into the darkest spaces of my heart. Writing what life after loss is really like, and how JESUS will be enough to help you get through to the next moment. How HIS breath in your lungs will enable you to breathe when your breath is taken away. How praying won't just make everything better, but will open the gateway from your head to your heart to where heart work will take place. How when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, HE is with us. HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT for us to SEE... to survive, and to eventually THRIVE. I have learned that grief and love go hand in hand, as where there was deep love, there is an even greater loss because it is love that has nowhere to go. Loss that has to be... needs to be healed. Loss that only when your heart is willing to admit, to feel, can be healed from the inside out.
HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has awakened my soul once again in leading me back to where it all began. A day much like today, where feelings of failure, and no purpose, as if my family would be better off without me. A day where I was desperate for a breakthrough. Desperate for purpose, for passion, for life giving change. The song "Reckless Love" plays in the background:
"There's no shadow YOU won't light up
Mountain YOU won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall YOU won't kick down
Lie YOU won't tear down
Coming after me
Once again HE has captured my heart, and has met me in the brokenness of child loss. HE has caught my tears as I've cried to the end of my soul asking once again... "how could you break my heart so badly? How all of this change, struggle, and pain really be a part of YOUR plan. How will you mend this, make this for good, restore this, how LORD... and please LORD help me with my unbelief. Give me the passion, the courage, the determination to keep stepping out, stepping up, and SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS WHO YOU ARE."
Dear One's,
Grief and Loss have changed me, and HIS love has healed me enough... to do what I need for this moment. I pray that if you too are struggling through grief and loss that you will know that you are NOT alone. I pray that you will feel yourself being wrapped in HIS mighty wings and will hear HIS voice speaking HIS promises to you that HE is indeed making a way. Hold Fast Dear Hearts, HE'S in this with you. HE can handle your anger, your hatred, your disbelief, your jealousy, your bitterness, all.of.it. HE can handle, and is in it with you, and will help you. So much my Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS I pray that you will come to know HIM as the GOD of COMFORT, WHO comforts us, so that we may comfort others. Breathe and know Dear One's that you are loved.
With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST,
~ Heather
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