I long so much for that day and until then, it's when I've reached my limit of, I can't do this anymore.... HE whispers deep from within the Heaven's "Precious Dear Heart, Don't Give Up. I know you're tired. I know how much it hurts. I know you're in pain, I know you're weary from being so brokenhearted. I know Precious Dear Heart, and I'M here. I'M here to help you, to hold you, to heal you, to comfort you, to give you MY peace, to SHINE MY light for you to SEE. I know how heavy this walk has been. I promise I WILL always give you the strength to endure. I WILL provide ALL you NEED to fight the battle's you are facing. I'M in this with you, I promise I'M NEVER leaving you, I'M never forgetting about you. You don't have to carry this alone. I'M in it ALL with you. You can TRUST ME, I'M here, Don't Give Up on ME"
This past month has been extremely heavy and challenging. I've felt the distance between HIM and my heart. I've struggled to pray, to write, and it seems all I have been able to do is cry. This I am learning is because HE NEVER intended for me to learn to just cope in suffering. HE never intended for me to just cope and hurry up and get through the suffering as to not make anyone around me uncomfortable with my grieving. HE is letting me know that its time, as I've made it deep into the belly of grief, where I am remembering not only that Seth died, but even more that he lived. My memories have slayed me; my tears have become my food. and I've found myself crying tears of agony once again. As the memories of my last moments with him play over in my mind, and heart. Things that were buried the day I walked away from the grave, where I detached myself from the pain of having to say my hardest goodbye. Recognizing and verbalizing that a part of me died and went to heaven with Seth when JESUS called him home.
Soon, it will be the 12th year of Seth's homecoming, and honestly, I find myself so brokenhearted in the reality of that. So much I miss him so desperately. I miss not having suffering as my companion, who stays with me, who at a moment's notice causes tears to stream from my eyes and pool as oceans at my feet. Suffering that makes me so attuned to what breaks HIS heart, the FATHER'S heart, which causes me to mourn for the brokenhearted. For I know full well what it's like to be so immensely brokenhearted. My tears are no longer just for me, but for the heaviness that I discern, because through my own suffering my spiritual eyes have been opened. My heart aches and yearns for the world to know, to SEE JESUS as it's LORD and SAVIOR, how this life is impossible to avoid suffering. This I've learned, for I know suffering doesn't discriminate, for NO ONE in this life escapes from suffering at some point in their life. Even if they are able to avoid relationships, they suffer in loneliness and isolation, with lies of oppression of abandonment, betrayal, jealousy, and bitterness. ALL cancers to the soul, which drive a precious being to cope through addiction, and ultimately when coping no longer works they give up entirely.
This I know, I've experienced in my own life, and have the blessing to hold the stories of so many of my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS. When I sit in rooms praying on their behalf, calling on JESUS name, for HIS ANGEL ARMIES to cover their life. As I watch JESUS in DIVINE ENCOUNTERS leading the oppressed to freedom and healing. I have witnessed to many precious moments where JESUS has met the last, the least, the lost, and the forgotten. Where HE has invited me to go on the mission of leaving the 99 to reach HIS ONE. I have had the opportunity to cheer JESUS on, as I SEE HIM set the captives FREE. The very same FREEDOM that I have experienced in my own life. This FREEDOM that I've had to learn to fight for, to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE. Daily putting on HIS ARMOR Ephesians 6:10-20. I've learned to pray PSALM 91 in the times where safety is an issue as fear is all consuming. This is the way HE has equipped me to CRY out to the HEAVENS for help, for myself and for my family, specifically my children.
I have learned that when I surrender my weakness to HIM, that is when I get out of the way, and HE leads me. For I know full well it is HIS Strength that is enabling me to keep going, so that I Don't Give Up. This morning I was awakened at 5:55am to come meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE. Where HE met me right where I was, as I poured my heart out to HIM. Through worship music, HE began to speak HIS TRUTH over me. through back-to-back worship song's titled, "Don't you give up on me" one being HIM telling me not to give up, and one where HE knows I'm afraid of HIM giving up on me, for I am so very tired and worn out from suffering."
HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is this: keep going, keep trusting, keep praying, keep believing, keep pressing in, keep pressing through, keep surrendering, keep opening up, keep seeking, keep asking, keep knocking, keep my eyes on HIM, keep going precious Dear Heart, and Don't Give Up. Truly HE knows how homesick for Heaven I am. HE knows how tired I am from all the hard and holy work that HE has called me to do. HE knows how worn out I am from crying. HE knows how desperate missing Seth has become within me. HE knows how deep the longing for relief and reprieve goes. HE knows what I NEED before I even ask. HE knows that I NEED comfort in the pain and sorrow. This I am learning is why JESUS is called the Man of Sorrows, NOT because HE takes it from us, rather HE sits with us, in it, enduring the suffering with us. This is how I know HIS word to BE TRUE, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Precious Dear Ones,
It is my fervent prayer that you will come to know JESUS in a deeply personal way. That you will open your heart to HIM, and you will have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER with the ONE TRUE LIVING GOD, JESUS CHRIST of NAZARETH WHO CAME IN THE FLESH. I pray that you SEE JESUS in a new and tangible way, that the lie of you were alone in those moments, that HE will show you right where HE was, and where HE has steadfastly remained with you. HE knows the pain that you hide away, tucked away that you only allow to show to select few. HE knows the tears you swallow as to not draw attention to yourself. HE knows why you reach for the bottle of alcohol, pills, and why you're self-harming. HE knows why you stuff yourself with shopping, and eating addictions. HE knows why you binge watch TV, shutting out the world., and HE knows why you engross yourself in gambling, and gaming addictions to comfort and soothe yourself. HE knows, and HE loves you. HE has good plans to set you FREE from those addictions, for HE wants you to know that HE is your portion. HE knows why you do what you do and what you NEED. Comfort, peace, relief, and fuel are ALL provided by HIM, and without HIM, we will keep accepting the counterfeit conveniences that are slowly destroying us. Eating for fuel, has been a HUGE part of HIS HOLY RESET for my lire, and just as HE has done for me, so will HE meet you right where you are, even if it's dark and messy. Even if it's in anger and bitterness, even if it's in your hatred and disbelief in HIM. HE knows, and HE loves you. HE wants to help you, to hold you, to heal you, and to comfort you in only a way that HE can. HE knows the way, HE has walked your path to healing, to a new life, a new way of living, and HE'S waiting for you to open your heart to HIM. The choice is yours; the invitation is deeply personal just.for.you. The plans HE has for your life is ONLY for you, HIS one-of-a-kind BELOVED CHILD. Do you believe that? Do you even know that is how HE SEES you? If not, ask HIM and HE will tell you, and even more, HE will show you.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With so much love, compassion, and empathy
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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