Yesterday was the final day of the 12rh year of grieving my son. It was his homecoming to JESUS day, and my family and I did our best to honor Seth's life and spent the day doing one of his favorite things. We went to a pumpkin patch, as Seth loved Halloween. He loved piders (spiders) and he loved people. Every October 13th have always been a day that until this moment in time, I tried my best to just keep it together. To not cry too much. To not dwell on the fact that Seth had died, and that I still remembered so much of the worst day of my life.
This I could feel HIM pulling me even closer still, as I fought to swallow my tears. HE was letting me that HE meant what HE said when I was no longer to manage my grief, but to grieve with HIM. HE made that very evident yesterday whenever I looked at my watch and saw the time. Such as at the 11:30am time, I remembered was when I took my two daughters and their friend to the store for snacks. I remembered Seth wanting to go and crying at the door. I remembered backing out of the driveway, seeing his little face pressed against the glass and me saying, "oh I just love him." Not knowing that day would be my last day to see him do that ever again.
Tears fell all throughout the day yesterday. I cried with each moment that was a reminder, just like when a little girl was playing with her mama's necklace and wrapping her sweet little arms and her hands touched her mama's face. I felt that, that moment where I stood at the microwave warming up lunch and Seth reached up to me to pick him up. I remembered his sweet voice, "mama me me me, up up up." I remembered his little arms wrapped around my neck, and his little hands on my face. Him looking into my eyes, as if remembering everything he could about me. We danced, and kissed JESUS (my cross necklace that he was fascinated with) a million times. Then I set him down to serve lunch, and he climbed on his chair and laid down as he wasn't feeling good.
Around the 4 o'clock hour I glanced to my right and saw an ambulance, and I was immediately brought back to the moment when I was collapsed in the driveway, and I felt the first responder jump on the grass with Seth in his arms. I remembered watching the ambulance drive away, the sirens, I still hear them. The pain of that moment hit the deepest part of my grief, and tears spilled out. Falling like rain. Later I would see a Mama holding her sweet little boy on her back, and I watched him hold onto her neck, jumping and shrieking at the excitement of what he was seeing. That is when my tears became too much for me, and I had to step away for a moment to just breathe.
The rest of the day, whenever the time was remembered, I felt HIM pull me even closer. HE knew how badly I was hurting. HE knew how much I ached from missing Seth. HE knew, and HE held me, and caught every single one of my tears. HE knew how relieved I was to have made it through another year of honoring Seth. HE also knew just how weary I would be this morning, as tomorrow is October 15th, and that is Seth's birthday. This year, he would be 14. An age where I feel so much further from knowing my own son. HE knows, and HE is with me. Holding me, helping me through the pain of missing him. HE knows how much I hate this plan, how much I wish so badly that things could be different. HE knows how much I wish people knew, and understood, but then that would be they too would have had to suffer just like me, and I wouldn't wish this on even the meanest person I know. So instead, I just cry, and let the pain out. I cry out all the words stored up, buried deep inside. I weep with JESUS, for I know full well that HE weeps with me.
This year I am learning to cry with JESUS, to not hide, but to let HIM into my pain. I am experiencing what it means to have NO condemnation for those who are in CHRIST JESUS. This I know, understand, and choose to TRUST. For this very reason, I keep choosing to seek HIM. I keep surrendering all that I don't understand, surrendering all that hurts me. I keep crying out to JESUS to please help me. I keep pressing in and through my deep well of faith that HE has created and cultivated deep within me. I keep writing, and signing my name to HIM, as I pour my heart out to HIM. Ravah (my new name given to me by HIM) means immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT. For this very reason, I keep moving forward, asking to be transformed, renewed, and refined even more. As at the end of this life, I want to BE KNOWN by my faith, that even when my son died, even when all that has happened to me, I still chose JESUS. That if you knew me, encountered me, you would have SEEN JESUS in me. You would have SEEN HIS LIGHT SHINING in me and through me. So that ALL PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY would be HIS.
There is still so much I don't understand, and I struggle to TRUST, but I've learned that HE has a plan for that too. HE delights in me, and well if you're reading this, HE delights in you too!
Precious Dear Ones,
It's not if, it's when, as deep loss affects everyone of us. While my grief is childloss, there is also, widowhood, orphaned, sibling loss, job loss, divorce, and even loss of a beloved pet (who to many are family) My fervent prayer is that my life is a reflection of HIS Graciousness towards all people. That the same kindness, patience, and consideration are given to all of whom I encounter. I pray that in sharing my story, it will be ALL FOR HIS GLORY
In the deepest love, respect, understanding and empathy,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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