Your sister in CHRIST JESUS,
Saturday, August 6, 2016
worth the risk....
Risk.... that is something that I would have never even thought of being apart of my life.... that is until.... I was shoved off a cliff into the deepest ocean I've ever known. The storm that has raged in my life for the past almost two years now has leveled me, angered me, and broken me into a billion little pieces. This massive storm has shook me to my core, and has tested my faith at every level, and quite honestly has made me close my eyes to HIM, turn a deaf ear to HIM, and has taunted me to speak words of NO, and HOW COULD YOU, WHY, and most regrettably..... I DON'T TRUST YOU BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY HEART.
Your sister in CHRIST JESUS,
I guess you could say that for the past four months I've been hiding. Trying so desperately to erase the pain, the heartache, and allow the grief to numb so that the bitter, angry, jealous, and hate filled tears would stop. My heart has turned so jealous of everyone and everything that is good, happy, or even just mundane. People living "normal" happy uneventful lives.... well I hated them.... it pains me to say that, but in order to break the chains that are binding me, I must BE transparent in admitting to where I have allowed my heart to go.
For the past four months I have been fooling myself in thinking that I would be okay if I just stayed home, away from people, and focused on only my family. I kept hoping that if I stopped writing, journaling, and blogging that I would feel better. I kept hoping that my talks with HIM would be enough.... that if I shared my heart with HIM, HE wouldn't ask anything more of me, because I was so desperately broken. I kept hoping that my days of LIVING out loud for HIM, BEING HIS MESSENGER, would be over, and I would be able to just stay protected under HIS wings, and NOT have to worry about being targeted anymore.
However, the more I "tried" the harder my days became, and the more depressed, sad, angry, jealous, and lonely I became. When my heart couldn't take it anymore, I reached out to my soul sister S in a text that all I could muster up was..... I miss you....:'( She texted me back almost instantly and thus began a conversation that my heart had been needing to have. At one point she asked me, "You and JESUS, how are things?" The tears began to stream from my eyes, as I began to pour my heart out to her. Through a series of texts that night, my heart was captured, and my focused was shifted, as my perspective was changed.... and the challenge of HE is worth the RISK was brought about.
Once again HE has captured my heart and attention in letting me know that HE knows how badly I've been hurt, am hurt, and how scared I am to BE anything for HIM. HE is wanting me to know that even though I may not feel it, or see it, HE is most definitely worth the risk. ALL because HE created me ON PURPOSE for HIS PURPOSE to LIVE this life as HIS MESSENGER of HOPE. The kind of HOPE that can only be known and understood as not everyone suffers the loss of their child. HIS HOPE that has been planted, watered, and sowed deeply into my heart, that when the time came I would be ready to cultivate that HOPE and share it with others who too are hurting just as badly as me.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19
HE is letting me know that in hiding because I couldn't bear the thought of being thrown off another cliff, and my tremendous fear of the ocean, that is how the enemy, my enemy was winning. That very thought brings out the most intense righteous anger I've ever known, as if I can't give up, because my enemy will win, well I sure as heck am NOT going to HIDE, or SHUT UP, or SHUT DOWN for another second. NO I'M going to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS that I am HIS, and I am CHOSEN, LOVED, and I am taking up my cross, and SHINING HIS LIGHT for ALL the world to SEE. I am saying here and now that HE is WORTH THE RISK...... even worth the risk of the cliffs, oceans, tears, sadness, loss, grief, and heartbreak. HE is WORTH it all, as HIS HOPE is ALIVE in me, and I am anchored in HIS HOPE to HIM that one day HE WILL wipe away every single tear, and my enemy WILL be destroyed, and I won't EVER have to hurt EVER again.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples,
HE is WORTH THE RISK of people NOT understanding me, as what they think doesn't matter. I am HERE for HIM, I am living for HIM. I am NOT letting anyone or anything silence me anymore. I am willing, I am standing, I am running and I will risk the ocean, the cliffs, to tell the world about JESUS.
I am living proof, that even if..... your worst nightmare comes true... HE IS FAITHFUL, HE will BE THERE to catch every tear, and will COVER you with HIS grace, and flood you with HIS peace. Through my story HIS light will SHINE that though there may be seasons of darkness in your life, HIS LIGHT is always there, and even if its dim, it will SHINE enough to show you the way. HE won't leave you, nor will HE ever forsake you. HE is there and when you are ready, in HIS timing, HE will bring you back to your feet, and will show you the way to walk your own journey.
Today is a new day, I am thankful for that, today I am coming out of hiding, in so many ways, and I am embracing this new life, this new adventure, as I am boldly declaring, HE IS WORTH THE RISK.
My dear brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though your hearts may be broken, troubled, or burdened, I pray that you will SEE HIM, reach for HIM, and allow HIM to help you. HE is our SAVIOR HE loves each of us, and knows us better than we know ourselves. I pray that today you too will allow HIM to break the chains that are binding you up, and you too will be able to stand and say HE IS WORTH THE RISK.
Always with love, compassion, and understanding,
Your sister in CHRIST JESUS,