A few months ago I was reading what another bereaved Mama had wrote, and I noticed that she wrote "soon and very soon." I figured it was just something private within their family, but still I kept thinking about what that meant. The same Mama talked about risking the ocean to tell the world all about JESUS. To be honest I was frustrated as to why I couldn't have that same mindset. After all my mindset was focused on the immense pain, heartache, and struggle that I had been facing and living with for the past two years. Not only that, but watching my husband and my children struggle as well. Seeing their tears, made mine fall even harder, angry, bitter tears as to why didn't my children matter? I mean sure hurt me, test me, put me through the storm.... but why them? Why my precious son who is just seven. Who at the tender age of five kissed his little brothers face for the last time on October 19, 2014. Why LORD Why?
Clinging to HIS promise that one day I would understand, and that I just needed to HOLD ON to HIS HOPE, I kept searching for answers, and kept reading other parents stories of losing their precious children. Though each loss so different, on thing remained. Their FAITH in HIM, their TRUST in HIM, and HIS words flowing with HOPE out of their mouths. Again all of this left me in bitter tears, as to WHY LORD? WHY can't I figure this out? WHY is this so difficult for me to grasp.... to embrace.... to accept? How LORD? How in the world am I to do this for the rest of my life here?
Soon and very soon kept playing over and over in my mind.... and well because we've already established in my other posts that I am indeed a sllllllooooow learner.... it wasn't until today that HE prepared my heart over the past few days to HEAR HIS WHISPER straight to my heart today. "Soon and VERY SOON Dear Heart"
Sitting here now, I am in complete awe of HIM as I've been praying and crying so much the past six months as to when LORD, when will I be writing again? When will I feel like me again? All the while not realizing the me I have been searching for is a new me...someone who I don't recognize because I've been through a total transformation, given new HOPE, new precious life, and now a NEW Message to share that goes deeper than HIS message that I was called to share before.
In order to fully embrace this new life that I have been given, this new purpose to LIVE out, HE is giving me HIS words to hold onto. Listening to "Soon" over and over HE is speaking to the deepest part of my weary soul. Though no longer shattered, still broken, but in CHOOSING to TRUST HIM with EVERYTHING HE is building me stronger. Today I am clinging to this very thought.
"I will be with the ONE I love, with unveiled face I'll see HIM, then my soul will be satisfied, soon and very soon"
HE is wanting me to always remember that "soon" in HIS timing not my own, which isn't for me to understand, but rather to TRUST. This is difficult for me, as I am an extremely impatient person when it comes to wanting to be done with a test, trial, or storm. More than ever I am clinging to my FAITH FULL of HIS HOPE of HIS PROMISE of FOREVER that is waiting for me. In clinging to "soon and very soon," HE is pouring HIS STRENGTH into me to go another day. Write another post, BE HIS light, all the while HE is flooding me with HIS PEACE that through troubles will come my way, as they always do, HE is right there with me, and when I CHOOSE to TRUST HIM in my journey towards wholeness, I WILL one day meet HIM face to face, and HE will say the words that I have longed to hear "WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT."
Today though I may NOT SEE all that HE is doing, HE is once again filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that "soon" I will SEE ALL that HE is doing even when I don't SEE HIM. Today I am thankful that HE has once again heard my cries of "Where are YOU?" HE is filling my weary achy heart with HIS promise and flooding me with HIS unfailing LOVE and abundant GRACE.
"In my distress I called to the ;From his temple he heard my voice;
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ JESUS,
I pray that you will know that though you may feel as if no one understands, or that you're all alone in this world. I pray that you will open your heart and mind to HIM and allow HIM to drench you in HIS grace, and flood you with HIS peace, and HE showers you with HIS unfailing love. I pray that if you feel as though you've made a huge mistake, or many mistakes in your life, I pray that you will know that HE already knows, and HIS grace is enough for you. HE loves you HE is your Savior, and HIS promise that HE has spoken through me today is for you. I'm so sorry my sweet friends for your hurting hearts, your broken spirits. Lean into HIM, press into HIM, cry deep into HIS chest, HE cares, HE is there. I pray that in my transparency today that you will SEE HIS goodness and mercy that is waiting for you.
"But he said to me, Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Always with so much love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,