What began as HIM teaching me to retrain my mind to think like HIM once again, I began a journey of rebuilding TRUST for HIM, and one of the first steps of trusting once again was with my daughter Joy. For so long I was terrified to let myself fall so deeply in love with being her Mama. I was beyond scared of losing again, and I "thought" that if somehow I kept her at a distance, somehow, someway I would survive through her first two years. Well all I can say is, "PRAISE JESUS for loving me FAR TOO MUCH to let me LIVE like that any longer than I did."
HIS Daily Teachings today is leading me back to the moment where in learning to let my heart be open to be her Mama is how HE taught me that just as I was holding her as she began to take her first steps, HE was doing the same for me. Even though I was unsteady, so was she, and all I had to do was remember HE was with both of us. HIM pouring HIS strength into me that even though I was unsteady, HIS hands were steady, and just as she was unsteady, I held her hands until she was walking on her own. Though she fell and stumbled in learning to walk, the same thing was happening to me, and rather than beating myself up about it, HE wanted me to SEE that HE has PURPOSE in EVERY single thing that HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to do.
So in case you're new to my blog, I've pretty well established that I am indeed a sloooooow learner, and even though HE has taught me, and I "thought" I "mastered" HIS teachings in my life, HE was there to show me as I foolishly fell for my own pride, and found myself coming undone once again in angst of how in the world could I possibly LIVE after surviving the hardest season of my life?
In being a sloooooow learner, HE had me start back at one. Right thinking with Power Thoughts. What was revealed to me in even the first few days, I realized that I had been living in a tremendously dark fog of grief. The kind of grief where no one else could help me, only HIM. The kind of grief that robbed me of any and all moments, or sliver of moments of JOY. Feeling so fed up with crying, exhausted by the grief that consumed me, HE began to lead me on a journey of SEEING with HIS vision of all that I had endured, and was blinded by my grief to see that though I couldn't see them, there were people there for us, praying, as it was all they could do was lift us in prayer, storming heaven with plea's for peace for our family.
HIS vision revealed to me that no matter how much I felt wronged, or ignored, or uninvited, HE showed me the TRUE HEARTS of those who loved us, and how much it hurt them to know how much we were all still hurting, and how much they missed seeing HIS amazing spiritual gifts that each of us embodied. HE began showing me how things looked from the other side, as HE took me through deep therapy, and treatment through medication to get my mind right, so my heart would soften to HIS word, HIS teachings, all through HIS relentless pursuit of me knowing HIM in a way that brought me into a deeper relationship with HIM, revealing to me WHO HE is, and WHO I am.
In surviving the most horrific season of my life, I have learned that the ONLY one who could help me was JESUS. Through HIM, HIS love, HIS constant, continuous, dedication to healing me just enough to get through a little more each day..... I learned that I could embrace the life I've been given, and LIVE it out with HIS TRUE PURPOSE. Through HIM I learned that though sorrow will remain until I am called home..... tears will fall...... and heartache will continue to exist...... I learned that HE is good in all of it, and even through tears I can smile, and SEE HIS goodness and HIS JOY in the midst of the heartache.
Surviving all that I have in my almost 39 years of life on this earth, HE has filled me with a deeper CONFIDENCE that though I will stumble and fall, as the storms of life rage around me, HIS steady hand will always be there to hold me when I am unsteady. Surviving has instilled a stronger more CONFIDENT WARRIOR SPIRIT deep within me, that no matter what happens to me, I'm a fighter, and through HIM and with HIM I WILL BE MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,
oh how I pray that each and every single soul that reads this blog, will know how much you are DEEPLY loved by HIM. I pray that you will come to know HIM as I know HIM, that when the pain runs so deep you can't hardly breathe, I pray that you will have the courage to cry out to HIM, as HE cares for each and every one of you. I pray that you will pour your sorrows out to HIM, and allowing HIM to relieve you of those burdens. Friends I know how much life hurts, how unfair it all is, and how much suffering we all endure, or will endure in our lifetime. I know it hurts, I know you feel so alone, isolated, and lost. It is my prayer right at this very moment that you will know that is the enemy working in your life to keep you from living the life that HE has planned for you. I pray that you will know that I love each and everyone of you, and pray that will be comforted by me sharing my journey so intimately with each of you. I pray that in being transparent in my faith, and struggles with life you will truly SEE that you are not alone.
Always dear ones, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,