While setting up my desk in my room this morning, I came across this coffee cup of cards from a conference I attended six months before Seth passed. It was during that conference that I felt alive, and finally free of so much of my past that had been weighing me down. I felt confident, secure, and so sure that I had already been the lowest in life, so the only way was up for me. How wrong, and foolish I had been, as I hadn't realized what my lowest in life was...... that is until life happened.
The six months leading up to Seth's death was full of so many transformations, blessings, and restorations between myself and those that I love. I was truly letting go, and letting HIM lead me to do the things that HE wanted me to. Not that I always "felt" like doing them, yet I knew a fire burned so intensely deep within, and I knew that HE was in control and the steps that HE was asking me to take, and every challenge, trial, test, and storm was for my own good.
It's been three years since I took those steps of FAITH and leaped when HE called me to, and looking back on that time in my life, I realized that was HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that planted a seed in me, that when life happens..... it was HIS voice calling deep into my shattered heart, "HOLD ON DEAR HEART.... I AM WITH YOU."
"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" Psalm 91:4
The empowerment I feel by HIM is life-breathing, and I'm so grateful that I'm in this place of contentment with knowing that I have started living my life once again. It has been through HIS unconditional love, endless peace, and overwhelming grace.... I have survived, and am now beginning to THRIVE!!!
Child loss is unimaginable, it takes away pieces of you, and leaves you so broken, and makes you question everything you ever believed in. The pain puts your FAITH in a vice grip, and it's all you can do is hold on. Hold on and pray, and wait, and cry for the day where relief washes over you, as the life of agony that you have endured for so long, finally has color in it again. Losing my son, has taught me that even those with the strongest of FAITH, deepest relationship with JESUS will fall..... and though we will fall, HIS hands will NEVER let go, and slowly through HIS timing and provision HE will lead us through the pain, the suffering, the agony, and the aching of longing to hold our children once again. I have learned that I will always miss my son, I will cry for him, and long for the day to be reunited with him, but missing him will no longer destroy me, or negatively effect the way I respond to things when life happens.