Saturday, June 10, 2017

when life happens....

"GOD didn't give us a spirit that is timid but one that is powerful, loving, and self-controlled." 2 Timothy 1:7

While setting up my desk in my room this morning, I came across this coffee cup of cards from a conference I attended six months before Seth passed.  It was during that conference that I felt alive, and finally free of so much of my past that had been weighing me down.  I felt confident, secure, and so sure that I had already been the lowest in life, so the only way was up for me.  How wrong, and foolish I had been, as I hadn't realized what my lowest in life was...... that is until life happened.

The six months leading up to Seth's death was full of so many transformations, blessings, and restorations between myself and those that I love.  I was truly letting go, and letting HIM lead me to do the things that HE wanted me to.  Not that I always "felt" like doing them, yet I knew a fire burned so intensely deep within, and I knew that HE was in control and the steps that HE was asking me to take, and every challenge, trial, test, and storm was for my own good.

It's been three years since I took those steps of FAITH and leaped when HE called me to, and looking back on that time in my life, I realized that was HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that planted a seed in me, that when life happens..... it was HIS voice calling deep into my shattered heart, "HOLD ON DEAR HEART.... I AM WITH YOU."

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" Psalm 91:4

HIS Daily Teachings today is taken me back through the most horrendous season of my life.  The time where grief consumed, and fear often led, and my emotions took over.  A time where everywhere I looked all I could see was how much we lost, that I couldn't even see the blessings that were being poured over me, into me, and through me.  I lost sight of WHO HE IS in me, and I forgot how HIS POWER was in me to be fearless, powerful, confident, and would enable me to remain self-controlled.

This morning HE is wanting me to PUT ON HIS ARMOR, and BE ready for the day ahead.  Not that I will be in control of life, however I will be in control of myself when life happens.  HE is reminding me of all the times before when HE led me through dark waters in my life, that I was able to stay calm, and know that HE had amazing plans for my life. 

In the need to be so transparent, as I feel I have a responsibility to share just how dark my world had become in the loss of my son, I need to tell you how I began to think that my life was cursed.  That the enemy had more power over me, that HIS power in me.  I even began to speak those words out loud, and slowly but surely it began to change me.

However, because HE loves me too much to let me fall, and believe the lies of the one who hates me the most, HE kept calling to the deepest part of me.... "I'M WITH YOU, SEE MY LIGHT, HOLD ON DEAR HEART." Through HIS endless pursuit for me to TRUST HIM, HE would reveal that the enemy would love nothing more that to see me completely destroyed, and watch me give up, and leave this world by my own free will.  Thus robbing me of eternal life with HIM, ruining my chance to see my son once again.

Just reading those words about the enemy..... ohhh makes my blood boil.  I have come to understand what GOD'S anger is like, and how HE has instilled me HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER.  This anger is the driving force to LIVE the life that HE has planned for me.  This anger has filled me with HIS power to run, crawl, leap, jump, what ever I need to do to keep on this journey that HE has planned for me.  I long to hear, and I WILL hear at the end of my life, "well done good and faithful servant." I know that is my FUTURE, because HE holds my FUTURE. 

HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER has instilled in my the tenacity to keep going, as I haven't gone through all I've been through for nothing.  No matter what happens, I am going to keep going, I'm not giving up, and I running all the way to the end telling the world all about JESUS.  I am NOT going quietly, and I am NOT going alone, I'm bringing as many people as I can with me.  I will not HIDE HIS LIGHT, I WILL BE FEARLESS, I AM NOT TIMID, NOR SHY, I AM HIS BEAUTIFUL, CHOSEN, LIGHT-SHINER, WHO IS ROYAL IN HIS EYES!!! 

The empowerment I feel by HIM is life-breathing, and I'm so grateful that I'm in this place of contentment with knowing that I have started living my life once again.  It has been through HIS unconditional love, endless peace, and overwhelming grace.... I have survived, and am now beginning to THRIVE!!!

Child loss is unimaginable, it takes away pieces of you, and leaves you so broken, and makes you question everything you ever believed in.  The pain puts your FAITH in a vice grip, and it's all you can do is hold on.  Hold on and pray, and wait, and cry for the day where relief washes over you, as the life of agony that you have endured for so long, finally has color in it again.  Losing my son, has taught me that even those with the strongest of FAITH, deepest relationship with JESUS will fall..... and though we will fall, HIS hands will NEVER let go, and slowly through HIS timing and provision HE will lead us through the pain, the suffering, the agony, and the aching of longing to hold our children once again.  I have learned that I will always miss my son, I will cry for him, and long for the day to be reunited with him, but missing him will no longer destroy me, or negatively effect the way I respond to things when life happens.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

How my heart aches for each and everyone of us who knows this deep immense pain of loss, whether it be your child, brother, sister, mom, dad, anyone whom you've lost that has been your whole world, oh dear ones I pray for your heart right now.  This very moment I ask JESUS to comfort you, release the tears, and pour HIS peace into each of you.  I pray that though the pain won't ever go away, the agony will, and will allow you to see your own life through a colored lens once again.  Hold on Dear Ones, the darkness will NOT overcome, HE as already over come it with HIS light.  I pray that if you are in the darkest abyss of pain, I pray you will cry out to JESUS, and let HIM rescue you. 

Always, my dear brothers and sisters, always with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,


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