For the past fifteen years now I've struggled in this wilderness of life. A life that I knew would be better because I had JESUS, but a life that was so riddled with messes and darkness from my past. Behaviors, attitudes, habits all that needed to be changed, removed, or broken from deep within. Transformation that began fifteen years ago when I said YES to HIM to teach, lead, and guide me. Even long before I even truly understood what I was saying YES to, HE had already begun working things out for my good.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
My first test came within six months of giving my life over to HIM, surrendering all of me or so I thought. I will never forget where I was on that day, the restless feeling I got on that day, and how I knew that something was taking place deep within me, and even though I knew it was coming, nothing could have prepared me for what lied ahead.
" The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
My third daughter was just four months old at the time, and my two oldest were just four and five years old. I was a mama to three precious little girls, and in my mind I was doing everything I could to be the mama that they needed. I will never forget that afternoon when the volcano of emotions erupted out of me, and my oldest daughter on the phone with her daddy thinking surely her mommy was dying. To be honest in that moment I had never felt more alive, as all that I had kept hidden for so long was finally being brought out into HIS light.
" Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
A journey of little me began, as HE made sure that the right people were within my path, for me to receive the help, care, and much needed support I would be needing to overcome that first stage of my past. For nine months I met with my therapist twice a week working through the scars of the physical, and sexual abuse that was inflicted upon me. For nine months I relived what had happened to me, each time going further into the pain, to understand the "why" and "how" this could have happened to me. When it was over, I was free from the physical, and sexual trauma of what had happened to me. I was flashback, and nightmare free for the first time in my life. I had been set free from the fear of being alone, and leaving my house. I was free in a way that I thought would have never been possible.
"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” John 19:26
Two years later I began the next phase of little me. I was drowning in the bitterness of my past, the anger, the hurt that I couldn't move past my past. So much that I avoided people, places, and little did I know that the bitterness was buried deep within my soul. I remember where I was when HE spoke straight to my heart about forgiving my step-grandfather who inflicted so much of my pain. I was angry that HE was asking me to forgive because in my mind it felt as though I was saying that what happened to me was okay. However, HE had already healed me from the physical, and sexual trauma so I knew I could TRUST HIM. With that I began a six year journey of forgiving each person from my past that inflicted immense pain on me.
" Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
On the final day of forgiveness I had been battling HIM asking me to forgive my birth mother for all the pain that she put me and my brother through. I was angry that I was always being asked to forgive people without receiving an apology from them. However on that final day of forgiveness I felt led to write her a letter, and pour my heart out into it. Not only that I posted on the blog about how love is forgiving. That morning after I posted it, I told HIM I was all in no matter what. Feeling completely elated I told D what I had done, and how I finally felt free of my past.
I can now look back on that final day and know that I was on the mountain top with HIM, fully living in HIS presence, completely oblivious as to what was about to happen next in my life. That afternoon at 4pm I fell from the mountain top into the darkest abyss of overwhelming agony, sorrow, and unbearable pain. Not even realizing until this past week that HE was there, and as I plunged so violently into the abyss HE caught me in HIS mighty embrace. HIS loving message to me this past week was, "remember when I caught you, I'M with you, I'm always with you."
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
After three years of living in the ocean of deep, immense sorrow, HE gave me the strength to make it to shore, and thus began the next phase of little me. In February I attended a women's conference at my church. When I arrived I was drenched in tears, and I was weary. I was weary from crying, for being stuck and not knowing what my next steps were to be. I was angry that I was stuck, crying, and weary, but most of all I was restless. I was restless as I knew that HE was working in me for a purpose, but I just couldn't figure out what that was to be.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
As we began to worship that night the band started to play "Cornerstone," and the floodgates opened, and I found myself sitting in the truck like I did that first night without Seth. After the conference ended I made my way out to meet the speaker. I was crying as I spoke, she hugged me, and then took my hands and shook them and said, "I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me. The HOLY SPIRIT is telling me this right now, and well girl, it's time to take your life back." Immediately I was like, "YEAH, take my life back, I'm going to do just that." Then it hit me, how do I do that?
I went home that night knowing that HE was working in me, and something BIG was coming, and so that was enough to get me to go back to the second day of the conference. The next speaker shared from her heart her experience in letting JESUS write "a new narrative" for your life. I knew I needed that as I had been stuck my whole life, constantly struggling to get past my past.. I didn't know how HE would do that, but it was then that I now know that HE captured my heart once again.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
The final speaker's message was "don't get lost in your own pit of despair." I cried the entire time as I knew this message was sent straight from heaven for me from my ABBA. Driving home that afternoon I cried, I didn't know what to do, or how to do it, all I knew was I needed to TRUST HIM that HE would work it all out for my good.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
In taking the steps that were impressed upon me I started therapy, and on my first day there my therapist gave me what I can now say as a life giving book. "Unashamed" by Christine Caine has brought out HIS truth for my life, in shining HIS light in the darkness of my heart of the lies of shame that have kept me shackled my entire life. Little did I know that when I began reading the book phase 3 of little me was about to begin.
For the past two weeks I've dove into the book each morning as HE has taking me on a journey back to when.... and has led me to where I now I am. HE has instilled in me HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE the TRUTH of WHO I am, because I am really starting to understand WHOSE I am, and what that means for me. HIS light is shining deep into my soul, revealing to me all the lies that have been whispered into my soul for so long.
" Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
This past week I came to the point where she talks about "the gate," and like Christine Caine, I realized that I too had become paralyzed by the gate of relational shame. The feelings of unwanted, abandoned, less than, not good enough, unworthy, worthless, unloved.... all lies breathed into my soul. Attitudes of it will never get better, I can never move past my past, and I'll never truly be free, it's just who I am. ALL LIES.... ALL revealed by HIS amazing grace in taking me back to when, and leading me to where I am now. All designed for me to prepare me for one of the greatest moments of my life.
Last night onstage at my church in front of a room full of my soul-sisters for the first time I shared my story. For the first time I shared my story in a way that didn't feel like my story, rather HIS story. HIS amazing story that I got to live, to experience of how DEEP HIS love is for HIS child. HIS love that leveled mountains, dove into the deepest pits, and emptied oceans to reach HIS beloved child. HIS story of Redemption, unconditional love, amazing grace, overwhelming peace, and relentless pursuit of HIS child to know HIM, to rescue HIS child HIS ROYAL TREASURE.
In being able to share my story, HE has moved me through the gate of relational shame, and has brought me to the other side where I can truly experience and live out HIS TRUE FREEDOM all because of what JESUS did for me, and WHO HE is for me. In sharing my story, I am finding me, the TRUE Authentic me, and I can finally say that I am moving past my past.
One final thought is going into HIS word and reading about lepers that took a chance, risked it all to go through the gate, they knew if they stayed the would surely die, and if they moved they might die..... so they risked it all, and HE was there, ready for them to receive HIS overwhelming blessings of everything they had needed. If I have learned anything like the lepers, I have decided that HE is indeed worth the risk! I am so thankful, and relived to be past the past.
"Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die? 4 If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.”
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh dear ones how I pray for the lies of shame that have been whispered into your soul to be removed in JESUS HOLY and MIGHTY name. I pray that you too will be given the strength to endure that pain of moving forward. I pray that you will know that often times the pain of moving forward is so much more than the pain that was originally inflicted upon you. I pray that when the pain is felt, I pray you will know HE is with you, and that you will choose to TRUST HIM, that you will lean into HIM, press into HIM, and choose to RISK it ALL for HIM, HE'S worth it! I pray that today begins your journey of healing, and being able to move past your past.
Always dear ones, in so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
My first test came within six months of giving my life over to HIM, surrendering all of me or so I thought. I will never forget where I was on that day, the restless feeling I got on that day, and how I knew that something was taking place deep within me, and even though I knew it was coming, nothing could have prepared me for what lied ahead.
" The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
My third daughter was just four months old at the time, and my two oldest were just four and five years old. I was a mama to three precious little girls, and in my mind I was doing everything I could to be the mama that they needed. I will never forget that afternoon when the volcano of emotions erupted out of me, and my oldest daughter on the phone with her daddy thinking surely her mommy was dying. To be honest in that moment I had never felt more alive, as all that I had kept hidden for so long was finally being brought out into HIS light.
" Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
A journey of little me began, as HE made sure that the right people were within my path, for me to receive the help, care, and much needed support I would be needing to overcome that first stage of my past. For nine months I met with my therapist twice a week working through the scars of the physical, and sexual abuse that was inflicted upon me. For nine months I relived what had happened to me, each time going further into the pain, to understand the "why" and "how" this could have happened to me. When it was over, I was free from the physical, and sexual trauma of what had happened to me. I was flashback, and nightmare free for the first time in my life. I had been set free from the fear of being alone, and leaving my house. I was free in a way that I thought would have never been possible.
"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” John 19:26
Two years later I began the next phase of little me. I was drowning in the bitterness of my past, the anger, the hurt that I couldn't move past my past. So much that I avoided people, places, and little did I know that the bitterness was buried deep within my soul. I remember where I was when HE spoke straight to my heart about forgiving my step-grandfather who inflicted so much of my pain. I was angry that HE was asking me to forgive because in my mind it felt as though I was saying that what happened to me was okay. However, HE had already healed me from the physical, and sexual trauma so I knew I could TRUST HIM. With that I began a six year journey of forgiving each person from my past that inflicted immense pain on me.
" Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
On the final day of forgiveness I had been battling HIM asking me to forgive my birth mother for all the pain that she put me and my brother through. I was angry that I was always being asked to forgive people without receiving an apology from them. However on that final day of forgiveness I felt led to write her a letter, and pour my heart out into it. Not only that I posted on the blog about how love is forgiving. That morning after I posted it, I told HIM I was all in no matter what. Feeling completely elated I told D what I had done, and how I finally felt free of my past.
I can now look back on that final day and know that I was on the mountain top with HIM, fully living in HIS presence, completely oblivious as to what was about to happen next in my life. That afternoon at 4pm I fell from the mountain top into the darkest abyss of overwhelming agony, sorrow, and unbearable pain. Not even realizing until this past week that HE was there, and as I plunged so violently into the abyss HE caught me in HIS mighty embrace. HIS loving message to me this past week was, "remember when I caught you, I'M with you, I'm always with you."
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
After three years of living in the ocean of deep, immense sorrow, HE gave me the strength to make it to shore, and thus began the next phase of little me. In February I attended a women's conference at my church. When I arrived I was drenched in tears, and I was weary. I was weary from crying, for being stuck and not knowing what my next steps were to be. I was angry that I was stuck, crying, and weary, but most of all I was restless. I was restless as I knew that HE was working in me for a purpose, but I just couldn't figure out what that was to be.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
As we began to worship that night the band started to play "Cornerstone," and the floodgates opened, and I found myself sitting in the truck like I did that first night without Seth. After the conference ended I made my way out to meet the speaker. I was crying as I spoke, she hugged me, and then took my hands and shook them and said, "I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me. The HOLY SPIRIT is telling me this right now, and well girl, it's time to take your life back." Immediately I was like, "YEAH, take my life back, I'm going to do just that." Then it hit me, how do I do that?
I went home that night knowing that HE was working in me, and something BIG was coming, and so that was enough to get me to go back to the second day of the conference. The next speaker shared from her heart her experience in letting JESUS write "a new narrative" for your life. I knew I needed that as I had been stuck my whole life, constantly struggling to get past my past.. I didn't know how HE would do that, but it was then that I now know that HE captured my heart once again.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
The final speaker's message was "don't get lost in your own pit of despair." I cried the entire time as I knew this message was sent straight from heaven for me from my ABBA. Driving home that afternoon I cried, I didn't know what to do, or how to do it, all I knew was I needed to TRUST HIM that HE would work it all out for my good.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
In taking the steps that were impressed upon me I started therapy, and on my first day there my therapist gave me what I can now say as a life giving book. "Unashamed" by Christine Caine has brought out HIS truth for my life, in shining HIS light in the darkness of my heart of the lies of shame that have kept me shackled my entire life. Little did I know that when I began reading the book phase 3 of little me was about to begin.
For the past two weeks I've dove into the book each morning as HE has taking me on a journey back to when.... and has led me to where I now I am. HE has instilled in me HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE the TRUTH of WHO I am, because I am really starting to understand WHOSE I am, and what that means for me. HIS light is shining deep into my soul, revealing to me all the lies that have been whispered into my soul for so long.
" Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
This past week I came to the point where she talks about "the gate," and like Christine Caine, I realized that I too had become paralyzed by the gate of relational shame. The feelings of unwanted, abandoned, less than, not good enough, unworthy, worthless, unloved.... all lies breathed into my soul. Attitudes of it will never get better, I can never move past my past, and I'll never truly be free, it's just who I am. ALL LIES.... ALL revealed by HIS amazing grace in taking me back to when, and leading me to where I am now. All designed for me to prepare me for one of the greatest moments of my life.
Last night onstage at my church in front of a room full of my soul-sisters for the first time I shared my story. For the first time I shared my story in a way that didn't feel like my story, rather HIS story. HIS amazing story that I got to live, to experience of how DEEP HIS love is for HIS child. HIS love that leveled mountains, dove into the deepest pits, and emptied oceans to reach HIS beloved child. HIS story of Redemption, unconditional love, amazing grace, overwhelming peace, and relentless pursuit of HIS child to know HIM, to rescue HIS child HIS ROYAL TREASURE.
In being able to share my story, HE has moved me through the gate of relational shame, and has brought me to the other side where I can truly experience and live out HIS TRUE FREEDOM all because of what JESUS did for me, and WHO HE is for me. In sharing my story, I am finding me, the TRUE Authentic me, and I can finally say that I am moving past my past.
One final thought is going into HIS word and reading about lepers that took a chance, risked it all to go through the gate, they knew if they stayed the would surely die, and if they moved they might die..... so they risked it all, and HE was there, ready for them to receive HIS overwhelming blessings of everything they had needed. If I have learned anything like the lepers, I have decided that HE is indeed worth the risk! I am so thankful, and relived to be past the past.
"Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die? 4 If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.”
5 At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, no one was there, 6 for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!” 7 So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives.
8 The men who had leprosy reached the edge of the camp, entered one of the tents and ate and drank. Then they took silver, gold and clothes, and went off and hid them. They returned and entered another tent and took some things from it and hid them also.
9 Then they said to each other, “What we’re doing is not right. This is a day of good news and we are keeping it to ourselves. If we wait until daylight, punishment will overtake us. Let’s go at once and report this to the royal palace.”
10 So they went and called out to the city gatekeepers and told them, “We went into the Aramean camp and no one was there—not a sound of anyone—only tethered horses and donkeys, and the tents left just as they were.” 11 The gatekeepers shouted the news, and it was reported within the palace.
12 The king got up in the night and said to his officers, “I will tell you what the Arameans have done to us. They know we are starving; so they have left the camp to hide in the countryside, thinking, ‘They will surely come out, and then we will take them alive and get into the city.’”
13 One of his officers answered, “Have some men take five of the horses that are left in the city. Their plight will be like that of all the Israelites left here—yes, they will only be like all these Israelites who are doomed. So let us send them to find out what happened.”
14 So they selected two chariots with their horses, and the king sent them after the Aramean army. He commanded the drivers, “Go and find out what has happened.” 15 They followed them as far as the Jordan, and they found the whole road strewn with the clothing and equipment the Arameans had thrown away in their headlong flight. So the messengers returned and reported to the king. 16 Then the people went out and plundered the camp of the Arameans. So a seah of the finest flour sold for a shekel, and two seahs of barley sold for a shekel, as the Lord had said.
17 Now the king had put the officer on whose arm he leaned in charge of the gate, and the people trampled him in the gateway, and he died, just as the man of God had foretold when the king came down to his house.18 It happened as the man of God had said to the king: “About this time tomorrow, a seah of the finest flour will sell for a shekel and two seahs of barley for a shekel at the gate of Samaria.”
19 The officer had said to the man of God, “Look, even if the Lord should open the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen?” The man of God had replied, “You will see it with your own eyes, but you will not eat any of it!” 20 And that is exactly what happened to him, for the people trampled him in the gateway, and he died. 2 Kings 7:3-20
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh dear ones how I pray for the lies of shame that have been whispered into your soul to be removed in JESUS HOLY and MIGHTY name. I pray that you too will be given the strength to endure that pain of moving forward. I pray that you will know that often times the pain of moving forward is so much more than the pain that was originally inflicted upon you. I pray that when the pain is felt, I pray you will know HE is with you, and that you will choose to TRUST HIM, that you will lean into HIM, press into HIM, and choose to RISK it ALL for HIM, HE'S worth it! I pray that today begins your journey of healing, and being able to move past your past.
Always dear ones, in so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
No comments:
Post a Comment