Sunday, April 15, 2018

tremble....

As I picked up my pen this morning and began to pour my heart out to HIM, I couldn't have imagined what HE had prepared for me today to experience.  Even as I wrote LORD JESUS YOU have all my attention.  I just want to be with YOU.  Fill me with YOUR peace LORD, I need YOU always, I'm astonished in the way that HE has led me today.  I am overwhelmed by HIS endless mercies, and relentless pursuit for me to experience HIS unfailing love.

The weather here in Chicago is that of winter today.  An ice storm to be exact, and to be honest when I looked outside and saw that it was snowing once again, I was overcome by sadness.  Longing for new life, Spring, and to top it off it wasn't just snow, rather ice too.  Almost two inches of ice on our cars to be exact.   Enough ice for D to be questioning whether or not we should be driving on the roads, and that would mean missing church.

Determined not to let even the weather keep me from hearing HIS word today, I chose to RISK it all for HIM.  I knew I needed to be at church, but I didn't quite know why.  Well I can tell you now that I'm home and have just finished 30 minutes of crying, I am so thankful that I decided HE was worth the RISK.  

As I made my way to my seat, I was stopped by several people hugging me, and letting me know that they were proud of me for sharing my story on Friday night.  Humbled by what HE is doing in my life, I thanked them, and secretly just kept saying, "thank you JESUS."  Finally I reached my seat, and no sooner was I seated, my dear soul sister J came to give me a hug, and congratulate me on my bravery.  She too is on a journey of discovery her story as a part of HIS story.  After another hug the band came onto the stage and began to play the first worship song.

The second song we sang was of course "Cornerstone" and instead of tears, I was overcome by just emotion that made my knees weak, as gratefulness, and thankfulness poured out of my heart.  The next song though... took my breath away, and opened the floodgates of complete awe.  "Tremble" by Mosiac MSC leveled me.  "JESUS JESUS YOU make the darkness tremble, JESUS JESUS YOU silence fear"  I was lead back to the darkest moments of my life, and in remembering those moments the next part of the song made my tears fall like rain.  "YOUR NAME IS A LIGHT that the shadows can't deny, YOUR NAME CANNOT BE OVERCOME.  YOUR NAME IS ALIVE, FOREVER LIFTED HIGH, YOUR NAME CANNOT BE OVERCOME."  I was crying so hard, I could hardly hold my arms up anymore, as I couldn't reach high enough in my PRAISE and thanks to HIM for all HE has done for me.  Just to be in complete awe of all HE has done, is doing, and knowing, and expecting HIM to keep doing through me, in me, and for me, all for HIS purpose.  It's all so overwhelming.

The message at church today was the second of the series called "valleys."  Today was focusing on our posture in the valley.  How the apostle Paul shared about he celebrates in his weakness, for when he is weak that is when he is strong.  Meaning that in his own weakness, he's in the perfect posture to receive GOD'S amazing grace, and through HIS grace he is given the LORDS strength.  This for me is so very true, as I can tell you that even the simplest of tasks have become so tremendously difficult for me, as I have been so weakened in this valley that I am walking in.  

Ocean living completely obliterated all strength that I once had, and HE had to rebuild me, starting with teaching me how to breathe.  In my darkest hours, I even forgot how to breathe, as the agony I was in took my breath away, and if let up to me I wouldn't have breathed again, as holding my hand on my son's chest to see if he was breathing was enough to make me want to die.  The pain was unbearable, but HIS love was greater than the devastation, the agony that I was feeling, and in was in that moment that HE breathed into my lungs again, to help me cry out for help.  I struggled to find my voice in those first few moments, so much that my children didn't really think anything was wrong, as my breath had been stolen out of me.  HE gave me breath when the darkness surrounded me.  HIS love OVERCAME the darkness, reached into me, and gave me the will to keep living.

I was taken back to those moments this morning while singing this song.  "JESUS JESUS YOU make the darkness TREMBLE," and I was so overcome with emotion in realizing just how far HE has brought me out of the darkness.  Throughout the message I could feel HIM filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE knows exactly where I am, and what I am struggling with.  The fears that I have in my heart, that I'm even too afraid to admit to.  One being, asking for a vision of my son in Heaven.... for a word of what life is like for him now.  Without me even asking, or breathing a word, a desire, HE met me, and filled me with TRUE HOPE that HE is in the details of every single step I am taking. 

Today HE took me back to Seth's birthday, the day that we planned his celebration of life service, and we chose James 1:17 for the verse to celebrate Seth's life.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 

In a conversation with a new sister in CHRIST JESUS S, and my dear soul sister V we were discussing Seth's headstone.  Which I am in the process of designing with V, as her sweet family have graciously offered to purchase for us.  Their family have overwhelmed us all with HIS unfailing love and support.  V was the person chosen to walk with me through this next step in healing and recovery in visiting Seth's grave.  She has a gift, HIS vision to SEE beauty in the eternal life that we can celebrate in cemeteries.  Not only that, but she has been given the ability to speak of HIS overwhelming PEACE that meets us in the quiet and stillness of visiting our loved one's grave.  Honestly at first I was totally freaked out about viewing Seth's grave, but overtime, I know that it has been through HIS amazing love that I too have been given the wisdom as to WHY Seth's grave needs a headstone.

HE knows that my greatest fear is Seth being forgotten by this world.  HE knows that it pains me to my core that Seth's name is rarely spoken, and for even the people who knew him, I fear that they too will forget him.  HE is letting me know that just as I was chosen to be Seth's Mama in this life, I've also been entrusted to let his name be made known, his story be made known in this world.  

HE knows how much the darkness of sadness that keeps me from taking steps, and HE has ensured that I will know that I am never alone, HE is always with me, and HE has aligned all of the support, love, and help that I am needed to take each of these tremendously difficult steps in healing and recovery.

Finally I was completely overwhelmed by HIS goodness and mercy as my new friend S gave me a prophetic word from her friend, (as she told her about me, my story, and my sweet Seth Daniel.)  When I received her friends word for not only me, but for Seth too, I cried as hard as I did the day that I lost him.... the type of cry that you feel the end of yourself.  You feel as though you may break in half.  The only difference today was a healing cry, a cry of relief, as HE has stepped into the darkness that has kept me locked in fear, and has made that darkness tremble.  

"Seth, one that sees me as I truly am all truth and all love has been revealed to him.  HE walks in the garden of my love and my grace where all things contain the light of his God and his King.  I say all the beauty and splendor of his God and his King for behold I make all things new and all that resides deep in his heart now belong to the Father of Lights I say. And I say he is full of all I am yes, my child all."


This all leaves me feeling, and knowing that HE truly is in all the details.  HE knew we would choose the verse of James 1:17 and HE knew the prophetic word we would receive, and HE knew what that would mean for me.  HE knew that ONLY in HIS timing, even though I "thought" I was ready before now, HE knew better for me.  HE met me right where I was today, in ALL of HIS SPLENDOR, GLORY, and GRACE, and let me know that HE was then, and still is now, "JESUS JESUS YOU MAKE THE DARKNESS TREMBLE."  

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, dear ones, I pray for your hearts in this very moment that JESUS JESUS is with you always.  That the fear that has gripped your heart, HE knows, HE cares, and HE is there ready to silence all of your fears.  I pray my sweet friends that you will lean in, press in, and allow HIM to lead you in whatever valley you have found yourself in.  I pray that if you too are in the ocean of sorrow, cling to HIM dear one, HE'S got you, HE will hold you steadfast in HIS mighty hands.

Always, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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