Monday, October 24, 2016

beautifully broken...

For the past six months I have struggled with deeply rooted anger.  Anger that Seth is gone, anger that my son, and daughters grieve, anger that our family has fallen apart.  I have been so angry that I have hated, and pushed away so many people that love and support us.  I've hidden deep within the walls of my home, trying desperately to just wait it out.  Wait out the pain, wait out the grief, fearful that anyone knowing, or seeing that I'm still falling apart..... tears would fall violently from my eyes as each new day would assault my heart, my mind, my memories fading all the while the most tragic of memories replayed over and over, louder and louder, deafening any joy, any happiness shutting out the light that had been pouring in.  Tears would fall like rain, pooling as oceans at my feet as I "tried" desperately to just keep moving.

Three days ago I reach my limit.... a limit of crying out to HIM that I couldn't do this anymore.  I couldn't cry hard enough, hate deep enough, scream in anger, frustration, and bitterness.... enough.  I cried my heart out to HIM, drenching myself in makeup, snot, and tears.  Angry words spilling from my mouth as to "why in the hell did this have to happen?!?1? and for what purpose?!? and now what the hell am I supposed to do, how in the hell am I supposed to do this..... live this horrendously sad, awful life for the rest of my days here on this earth?"

I was so angry, that I told HIM that I didn't trust HIM or believe that HE even cared about our family anymore. That it was HE that dropped us in this deep..... dark...... ocean full of the most overwhelming sorrow any of us have ever known.  I was so angry that my faith had been shaken, and ripped apart at the seams.  I was so angry that GONE was my contentment that even if things weren't where I wanted them to be, PRAISE the LORD I'm NOT where I used to be.  GONE, was any and all feelings of peace, love, grace, anything, I mean absolutely anything that gives PRAISE HONOR and GLORY to HIM.

On my worst day I told HIM how much I hated so many people..... that afternoon I saw my therapist and fell apart in her office.  Feels of guilt, and condemnation flooding my every thought, as to how could I possibly LOVE GOD and hate so many people?  How did this happen.... when did I allow such evil to take over my heart, soul, and mind?  Furthermore, how would I survive this?  Would I survive this?  If by chance I did, I surely didn't want to, as this life as I knew it sucked it the worst way, and I would much rather be dead in HEAVEN with HIM and my sweet son Seth that to have to live here, and suffer with my family.  I would rather BE at PEACE without tears, and LIVING fully in HIS presence.

Ahhh I can only dream of that day.... for now, that's all I can do, as I began to pray those feelings of defeated, and giving up away, by speaking HIS promises and HIS truth to myself, over and over until I was sick of hearing me, let alone hearing it from anyone else.  I annoyed myself to tears, and without realizing began yet another chapter in grieving with grace, in healing from the most horrendous pain I've ever known.  A journey of which HE would align perfectly with my imperfect self, to show me, to shower me with HIS love, grace, peace, and mercy in taking me through yet another lesson of just how beautifully broken I am.

Today found me sitting in a restaurant with my good friend who I met just weeks before our sweet Seth was called Home.  Tears of frustration, and exhaustion poured from my eyes as she sat quietly listening to my words, all the while praying, and waiting for HIM to speak into her and through her so that I would know that just as HE's always been in my life, HE is most definitely IN THE DETAILS.  After about ten minutes of my crying and sharing my hardships she spoke.  In such a profound way that challenged me, her words were simply this, "Heather if you are looking to feel differently then you have to be willing to make a change."  She spoke hard truth to me, the same truth that was spoken to me the other night by another dear sister in CHRIST, only that night, I wasn't ready to hear them, however after hearing almost the same message coming from LOVE from HIM, I knew that the answer I had been waiting for..... praying for..... was here.

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM leading me back onto the path of HIS plans that I have jumped off of, because of fear, jealously, bitterness, and anger.  HE is letting me know that HE isn't mad at me that I've jumped off, but rather that HE understands and knows how overwhelmingly hard this journey has been.  HE is wanting me to know that its not for me to figure out each new step I am to take, but rather to take HIS hand that HE has reached out to me, and TRUST HIM to teach, lead, and guide me once again every single step of the way.

HE is telling me that the reason WHY HE taught me before I lost Seth how to reach out to HIM, how to TRUST HIM, is so that when I would hurt in ways that I couldn't even describe, I would have PROOF that HE is there, and that HE does indeed love me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE understands how I've struggled being so broken, but wants me to know that if I choose to follow HIM, and allow HIM to, HE can and will fill in the cracks of my shattered, broken, heart.  HE is telling me that being broken isn't a bad thing, and I shouldn't be angry, or embarrassed by it, but rather know that HIS plan and HIS purpose for me is to LIVE for HIM, as HE pours HIS light into, through, as the world watches it flow out of me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE didn't break me just to destroy me, but rather because HE knew that I would be obedient and transparent in sharing my story of heartbreak and grief.  HE knew that I Heather, would be HIS Ambassador of HOPE in sharing HIS message of HOPE to this lost and broken world so full of darkness.  HE is reminding me once again that HIS GLORY is and has been made known in me and through me.

As far as the struggle that I am having in forgiving people, and seeking contentment, HE is telling me that in HIS timing just as before, HE can and will lead me to victory through those struggles.  HE is telling me that HIS story, my story, is a part of something far bigger, and more purpose filled than anything I can even begin to understand, dream, or ask for.  Once again, I am floored by HIS goodness, and awed by HIS strength in me to help me OVERCOME that of which I was almost certain would destroy me for good this time.

HIS loving reminder to me today is this, "when it hurts to much to cry, here is there for me."  HE is filling me with HIS word FULL of HOPE and promises that clinging to HIM, HE will lead me through the rough waters, HE will lead me beside the still waters, and HE will give me the rest that I am needing, by flooding me with HIS peace. On the days where I fall flat on my face, as I "think" I'm okay to run ahead of HIM, as if I magically have figured everything out.... though I will feel foolish, HIS grace will be there for me...... enough for me.  Mostly on the days where I forget, and jump off the path again, HE will be there, reaching for me, leading me back, carrying me in HIS loving arms, all the while telling me, "I know Dear Heart, I know...... I love you, trust ME that MY plans for you are amazing."

"They will be called oaks of righteousness, trees planted by the Lord to reveal his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

As always my Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though I may not know your pain, I do know that pain at any capacity is so terribly difficult to live with. I know that HE is a loving, and caring GOD, WHO knows your pain, and if you let HIM, HE will help you, heal you, rescue you, and restore you to BE WHO HE has created you to BE. Always my sweet friends, I'm praying for each and every soul that reads this blog. TRUST dear ones, HE's in the details.

Always with HOPE, love, and prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

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