Monday, December 26, 2016

when grief speaks

I remember being ten years old, and swinging on our disc swing.  In the challenge to be daring, I remember pumping my legs as hard as I could so I would go higher.  Round and round I spun on the disc, and I remember feeling so free, so empowered, so ALIVE, that is until....... the next thing I would remember would be lying flat on my back, gasping, struggling to breathe.  It was in the next moment that I remember my Dad racing towards me, and scooping me up off the ground and cradling me in his strong arms.  Softly he spoke to me, "its okay, you're alright, I'm here, I've got you.  You fell off the disc swing, and got the wind knocked out of you, just breathe Heather, just breathe."

Last week while feeling apprehensive about the impending Christmas Season I felt so weak.  I had cried out to HIM days earlier..... how.... why???? when will celebrating feel right again?  I was feeling completely and totally dismayed by the lack of HIM NOT answering me.... that is until........... HE met me right where I was and completely blew me away with HIS powerful, and mighty UNFAILING love.

Through HIS blessed gift of my most recent memory of my earthly dad holding me, and telling me he was there, it was HIS loving reminder that HE is there, and that just as I had the wind knocked out of me on that day, the gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart shattering, life altering pain, sorrow, and anguish that would implode my family.... the love of my life.....  my precious five.... and would steal the very life, and light, our precious Seth away from us with only a mere few feet away.  

Thinking back to that day.... how it started out with empowered confidence, feeling so ALIVE, and daring.... seeking, THRILLED to BE HIS, I was ALL IN.... and I was ON FIRE, and was willing to do whatever, whenever, no matter what...... soaring, flying higher into HIS arms, feeling the earth leave my feet, and well quite honestly the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.... and even greater than that, the most peaceful I had ever known. 

Then.... 4pm October 13, 2014 happened, and the soaring, flying, feeling ALIVE came to a crashing halt, as I was shoved off the highest cliff I have ever known, and plunged deep into the ocean of anguish so hard that I hit the bottom where all I could feel was the crushing weight of pain, so indescribable, that I couldn't even speak.  I couldn't even cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything, but that didn't matter because without even knowing I began to cry out the deepest guttural groans of agony in desperate pleas...... "please help me.... oh GOD please help me, my son..... my son......  mmmmmy son.

It was then that I remember collapsing in my driveway, flat on my face in the mud, rain, and in my white socks.  Looking up at the Heavens as the rain beat down on my face..... my voice completely gone.... I screamed from deep within, "WHY GOD, OH GOD, OH PLEASE.... NO NOT MY SETH... PLEASE NOT SETH...."  The next few hours would be a blur..... until D and I found ourselves sitting in that "family room"...... the words... every parents can't even begin to think about it nightmare..... "I am so sorry... we did everything, we couldn't save your son."

Falling........... clinging...... desperate for relief..... crying for days, weeks, and almost an entire year.  Tears of the most immense sorrow I have ever known.  Pain so excrutiating I felt I would surely die from.  Anger that would explode out of me, causing me to flee.... run.... hide..... delete... unfriend.....that became the absence of me.... to those who love me, know me, pray for me, care for me..... who once knew me.... the me.... Heather..... before grief.... before loss..... before..... oh how I longed for before.

Finally when I couldn't take being angry or jealous any longer I fell to my knees in desperate please for HIM to please take this all from me.  I pleaded and begged HIM to spare me of anymore pain, sorrow, or anguish.  I came to the end of myself, and allowed HIM to speak into my heart once again.  In doing so HE began to reveal the next chapter... phase to this  part of my life known as grief.

I wish I could say that whenever HE speaks to me, I listen, and I remember what HE teaches me, and then, well everything goes according to HIS word.  HA!  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You see, HE lets me know that just because I hear HIM, and I "think" I understand what I am to do..... when it comes to actually applying what HE teaches me to my life..... well  as I have already established a million times over... I, Heather am indeed a sloooooooow learner.   Much to my dismay, as I am tired... have been, am, and probably always will be of living a hard life..... a "normal" hard life is hard enough...... but adding grief into the mix, when grief speaks.... ugh.... it's unbearable.

On Christmas Eve my brother called me, and I was in a very foul mood.  Stupid, happy, joyous, joy filled, festive, oh Merry Merry Christmas nightmare people were EVERYWHERE.  Happy festive Have a Holly Jolly Christmas songs played, everywhere I went.  If that all wasn't enough.... EVERYWHERE I looked little boys..... blond hair, blue eyes.... sweet little faces..... everywhere...... and everywhere I went tears fell, as grief began to take over my entire life once again.  All I can say is my poor, sweet, caring, meant well brother.... well he got the not so nice, crappy version of me.  It was at one point in our conversation that I realized I was being nasty to him, and not just about life, that he reminded me about..... well things that I couldn't have cared less about knowing, because Damn't knowing doesn't help when FEELING the grief as grief speaks and takes over all of you.

Honestly I will say this, I don't know how, or what I would do if it weren't for JESUS being in my life.  For knowing HIM, and being flooded with HIS grace, and drenched in HIS peace.... I just can't even imagine.  Living with HIS HOPE of everlasting life with HIM, where there will be NO more sorrow, sadness, or pain.  The very thought of never having to cry EVER again... YES!!!! OOooohhh ooooohhhh ohhhhh pick me pick me, THAT!  that is what I want.   Oh Dear JESUS, please please please say that my time will be soon and very soon, and if not, as I am terribly impatient... please give me everything I am needing to just get through this moment..... this hour... this day.... one day at a time.  

After hanging up with my brother, the tears poured from my eyes, tears of defeat, foolishness... as I surely can't do what HE is telling me to do, and how in the world am I ever going to be able to survive this for the rest of my life.... and ugh..... with tear stained face, hands trembling, voice quivering... I fell to my knees once again, I repented, and I sought HIS forgiveness.  It was then that HE spoke deep to my heart, that while I hate that its a part of my life, the idea of when grief speaks, is my challenge.....however it is HIS story, my story to share to tell to SHINE HIS light on the world unknown, untouched, or even just afraid, and avoiding grief.  To SHINE HIS light that says that though the days are long, and the nights even longer, and when sorrow, sadness, and pain flow like rivers and streams into your life, HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE is this, "no matter what HE will be there, HE will pick you up into HIS arms, draw you close, and let you know that HE is there.  HE WILL hold you and let you know that HE has you, and won't let you go.  HE loves you, is there for you, and when you cry, HE cries.  HE will shower you with HIS unfailing, endless love and mercy as you pour your heart out to HIM.  HE will love you even more when you tell HIM you hate HIM, and that you don't trust HIM.  HE will hold you tighter and tighter, to prove HIS amazing love to you, and HE will prove that HE is trustworthy as HE takes you back into your past and shows you where HE was, in reminding you of all the blessings HE has bestowed upon you.  HE will patiently wait for you to open the door of your hurting, shattered heart, so that HIS living water will be poured deep into your wounds, as HIS words, HIS promises, HIS love begin to rebuild, and heal you from the inside out. HE will let you know that it won't matter to HIM how long it takes for you to know HIM, to trust HIM, HE is there for you, without pressure.  HE loves you, no matter what you do or say, NOTHING absolutely NOTHING can keep you away from HIS love.  HE will hold you as long as you need to be held, and in and through HIS timing HE will set you back on your feet, and shield you under HIS mighty wings, as you bravely, and courageously choose to put on HIS armor, to BE HIS LIGHT, to tell HIS story, of how HE rescued you, redeemed you, refined you, and renewed you.   HE is waiting, for you for as long as it takes, you are HIS, and HE loves you."

HE is teaching me that when grief speaks that is because my grief, is my deepest form of love for my son Seth.  However, I must never forget that the enemy would like nothing more for me to feel defeated, and retreat into the worldly aspects of grieving, through addictions, and sins.  HE is telling me that I can choose to allow grief to speak in my life in an honoring way that shows the world, tells the world, brings all the glory to HIM through me, that even though I suffered through every parents worst nightmare, survived the worst day/week of my life, I am still standing, I am here, I am fighting, even if it just for strength to ask for me strength.  I am NOT giving up, giving in, by allowing the enemy to manipulate my thinking, my heart.  Rather I am choosing to allow grief to speak, to show this broken, fallen, and lost world that HE is our Savior, HE is HERE, HE is ALIVE, and HE is waiting.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

if you too are hurting... grieving.... know that you are not alone, and I am praying for you.  I pray that you will know that it doesn't matter what type of loss you have experienced, loss is loss, and it hurts.  Loss creates a void within you... a void that bleeds pain when touched.... a void that only HE can soothe, and heal around so that when touched though you will still feel pain, you won't feel immense sorrow, sadness, and pain.  I pray that you will open your heart to trusting HIM with your life, to know that HE has a plan to make right all the wrong that has been done to you. I pray that you will allow HIM to work in you and through you, so that you will receive HIS TRUE HEALING as you will know WHO HE is, and WHOSE you are.  Friends, I pray for you aching, wounded, lonely hearts, that you will know that you are CHOSEN... HE is there....HE is waiting.

Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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