Sunday, January 8, 2017

waking up.....

I could still feel him in my arms, as the tears seeped to the corner of my eyes.  This past week was the first time since Seth went HOME to JESUS that I would SEE him, hear him, and hold him.   The dream started out like any other, random, and filled with people I didn't really know.  One minute I was in a room full of strange people, and the next I stepped into a familiar place, although I didn't recognize it as having been there before.  I stepped into the next room and there he was.  I looked right at him, and said "Hi Seth."  I scooped him into my arms, as he snuggled his sweet little face into my chest.  In the next moment the glorious sound of his sweet sing songy voice rang through.... "Hi Mama."  Sadly as soon as I heard him, I opened my eyes.  It felt as though I was still holding him, only to realize it was just my pillow. 

For the past week I've wished, prayed, and hoped that HE would give me another dream filled with HOPE and PROMISE that HE is there, and that I would SEE Seth again.  Night after night, I prayed, please let me SEE Seth again, and with each night passing, I became more saddened that I wasn't SEEING him.  That is until today that I realized that much like waking up from my dream of Seth, HE has brought me to the other side of grief.  In a sense I am waking up.

Waking up from the most horrific nightmare I've ever had.... only to open my eyes each day knowing full well that I would have to endure another day without my son.  Knowing that pain, sadness, sorrow, and anguish was to not only be my present, but surely my future. Pain leaving me so weary and desperate for relief from the tremendous grief that poured out of me for my son, that it was all I could manage to cling by my fingernails to HIS promise that one day.... somehow, HIS way I would wake up.... I would SEE color again.  Wanting so desperately to BELIEVE HIM, but too afraid to TRUST fully, as anything was possible with HIM, but that could go either way.  Either HE could bless me immensely with healing, and recovery, or......  the unthinkable.... unimaginable....... indescribable..... happening again..... a thought so terrifying that I didn't dare say anything out loud, as my fear was growing stronger and  stronger.  

In waking up I can tell you that though the pain.... the gigantic hole in my heart is most definitely still there, it has lessened.  Two years ago I would have punched someone in the face if they told me that over time, in HIS timing my pain would lessen.  Words that assaulted me to my core as to how in the world could I ever, would I ever not feel the overwhelming pain and loss of my sweet Seth Daniel.  I can tell you that though the road hasn't been easy, waking up has been so refreshing to my weary soul.  Not crying daily, but rather in moments, not the entire day, or even if the entire day, not days at a time.   Moments of grief pouring from my eyes, and pooling as oceans at my feet, as a mere wave washing over me.  Grief washing over me, but not crushing me, knocking me down, or paralyzing me.  Things that I have prayed for from the first moment I realized that Seth was really gone... he wasn't coming back.... and the one whom I trusted with my whole heart..... shattered it.... and crushed it to the point where I came completely undone, and to the end of myself, where all I could do was cling to the very essence of HIM.  HE was my everything, and HE took it all, my anger, my rage, my hateful hate filled, hate fueled words.  HE held me tighter, as I wrestled even harder with HIM, and HE loved me more and more, and in a deeper way that I could have ever imagined.

In waking up I am seeing color once again.  What I mean is my world isn't foggy, or black and white.  For that I am thankful, as living in a world without color was draining.  Or if by some miracle I saw a glimpse of color it seemed so foreign to me, that I fought it, and felt so guilty for even wanting a second glance.  Concepts that in my head I knew were absurd... but my heart..... had been terribly brutalized over and over to the point where I begged HIM to take me.  Not that I would give up willingly.... my way.... but rather if it was HIS way....then surely HE would relieve me... rescue me..... save me...... from the most horrendous pain I've ever known.

In waking up I am able to look back on these past two years and SEE HIM and ALL that HE has done for me, with me, to me, and through me.  I know without a doubt that I couldn't have survived losing my son without HIM.  I know that it has been only through my FAITH in HIM, that HE was, is, and always will BE everything that I am needing.  I struggled to TRUST HIM... I doubted HIM, yet I clung to HIM.... desperate as the thought of letting go terrified me more than hanging on for whatever was to come next..... even if it would shatter my heart all over again.

In waking up I've come to know, trust and truly BELIEVE that HE is indeed a GOOD GOOD FATHER, because it is MOST DEFINITELY WHO HE IS.  I know that I am deeply, unconditionally loved by HIM, because it's WHO I am, because I know WHOSE I am.  In losing my son, I entered into an unfathomable nightmare..... off the steepest cliff.... plunging into the deepest, darkest ocean.... where the waves crushed me to the point of all I could do was pray for strength to ask for more strength.  To finally be washed ashore..... yet dragging myself onto land..... following a stream of HIS living water.... as it soothed my weary... achy.... soul.  All to be brought to the base of the mountain of TRUST.... where slowly... step by step HE is leading me on HIS path, that is HIS way, for HIS purpose.  I know HIM, I BELIEVE HIM, I TRUST HIM fully and completely, and I no longer shake in fear, as my FAITH in HIM is louder than any fear that is in me.  I know that HE WHO is in me is most definitely greater than he who is of this world.  

"You are from God, little children, and have conquered them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Today I am overwhelmingly blessed to realize and know that through HIS amazing, unfailing, unshakable love, I have survived, and with HIM I will THRIVE. I will soar with HIM in this life, because that is HIS plan and HIS purpose for my life. I will accomplish, and do great things in HIS honor, in HIS name ALL for HIS glory BECAUSE that is WHO I was created to be, and what I was created to do. Today I am thankful that I have been CHOSEN by HIM, to know and understand that HE heard my cries, and has answered my prayers by gently nudging me in telling me "Open your eyes Dear Heart, I'M here, it's time to wake up, you did it, I love you, and hold tight as the adventure of your new begging is here. Welcome back Dear Heart, I love you."

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that in sharing my struggles, and my pain, you will get a glimpse of WHO HE is.  I pray that a spark will ignite deep into your heart to seek HIM, so that you will come to know HIM as I have come to know HIM.  I pray that you know that there isn't a right way or a wrong way when it comes to opening the door of your hurting, wounded heart.  I pray that you will take a chance in choosing to BELIEVE that HE is most definitely worth the risk.  Take a chance my dear friends, take a chance, a leap of FAITH and let HIM, let HIS love lead you, rescue you, and renew you.  I pray that when you do, you will SEE that it is HIM waking you up from your own living nightmare.

Always, in love, with so much compassion and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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