Slowly HE began to build HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE in my heart, as HE planted HIS word so deep into my heart, that I soaked, and meditated in HIS word daily. So much that HE grew strong roots of FAITH of which would BE my ANCHOR in the most devastating storm I would ever have to endure. All of this because of how much HE loves me. However, as I am human, my FAITH hasn't been enough, HIS promises haven't been enough for me, as all of this turmoil, strife, anguish, pain, and sorrow have left me begging.... pleading for HIM to please, please, please relieve me from any more tests, trials, or storms. As if to say to HIM, "LORD please, why can't my life just be Cake and Roses?"
"We have this chor for the soul, firm d secure" Hebrews 6:19
HIS Daily Teachings actually began this past Friday night as I was out with one of my dearest soul sisters. It was during one of our more serious conversations that we began to talk about our struggles, and how I came to realize that being on the other side of my grief and agony, that I am now re-entering back into a life full of stupid problems. What I mean is, problems that don't break me, or shatter me in complete agony. Problems that in the grand scheme, you know HIS Plan, won't really matter next year, or sometimes even a week from now. So much in fact, that because I am human, I tend to lose sight, and forget WHO HE is, and WHOSE I am, and how though something may "seem" insurmountable, Nothing, NOTHING can begin to even compare to how excruciatingly painful it was for me to have to give Seth back to HIM. Therefore, no matter what life may throw at me, what stupid problems I may encounter, the rest of my life would be "cake" compared to what I've already gone through, suffered, and survived.
In knowing this however, because I am a selfish, needy human.... aka.... slooooow learner I am left feeling, asking, wanting, and pleading for a life of Cake and Roses. Because HE loves me HE is wanting me to understand that though I am dealing with my life's stupid problems, that aggravate me relentlessly, and endlessly. HE is wanting me to remember, that it is HE that has gone before me, to walk this journey and there is a good plan for me to survive my life's aggravations and stupid problems. HE is wanting me to understand that though I may not SEE it, HIS goodness is everywhere, and when I seek HIM I will be able to taste the Cake, and smell the Roses in my life.
Ahhhh there it is, my old friend.... humble pie..... yes eating a HUGE slice of it right now, as I come to realize that there is a REASON why HIS word is constantly replaying in my mind, my heart, and my soul.... TRUST IN THE LORD GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART.... LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. YIKES!!! This leaves me feeling foolish, and repentant as how often I allow myself to be caught of up in my life's lame and predictable stupid problems.... designed specifically to grow me strong in HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that even though the enemy "think's" it's what will finally draw me away from HIM, HE will use it for HIS good, and HE will teach, lead, and guide me to know and understand so I will be able to LIVE out HIS plans for my life.
"Trust in the with all your heartin all your ways submit to him,
This relieves my weary achy heart, as the very thought of NOT doing what it is that HE wants me to do, and wondering where, how, and when I will ever understand, or put to work HIS word in my life, HE is filling me with HIS promises that HE is there, HE knows how much I struggle, HE knows how much I hurt, and HE is leading me up the mountain of TRUST in HIM and for HIM, that when I seek HIM with all my heart, love HIM enough to let go of my way, HE can, HE will, and HE does lead me to exactly where I need to be.
Once again HE is reminding me that even though I may not understand, I was designed specifically on purpose for HIS purpose to be fierce, to be tenacious, to be determined, to NEVER GIVE UP, not because of self pride, but rather because HE has always intended for me to BE HIS LIGHT in this dark and broken world. HE is reminding me once again that I was created on purpose to BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, that when all seems lost, in finding yourself shattered like you've never been before, and the life you once knew in a billion pieces on the floor, so full of tears that when you cry, your tears pool as oceans at your feet, and you literally feel completely engulfed in waves of sorrow. HIS MESSAGE of HOPE is this, the sorrow, the pain, the agony.... HIS goodness will prevail. ALL WILL BE FOR HIS GLORY, though unimaginable, unfathomable to you, and your weary, broken, shattered heart, HE will rebuild you, you will be rescued from the ocean, and brought to shore.
HE is wanting me to share HIS message through my story, that at 4pm on October 13, 2014 I was HIGH on the mountain of TRUST, and HEALING with HIM, when I was violently and viciously shoved off a cliff, finding myself falling into the deepest, darkest ocean of pure agony and hell surviving blow after blow. Assault, after assault on my shattered weary heart, begging and pleading for relief... while the waves came crashing over my soul, crushing me to the point where I felt I would die at any moment from the hellish nightmare that had become my reality. Finally after what seemed forever.... over two years later I found myself washed upon the shore.... battered, broken, and bruised. Afraid, afraid to step, to speak, to pray, to ask, to seek. Afraid of what would be asked of me if I stood up, with arms held high and heart abandoned. Afraid of what was to come, and what would never be. Afraid, all the while hearing HIM, pulling, tugging at my heart, to TRUST HIM. Slowly, like a fawn learning to walk for the first time, HE lead me back to my feet. Slowly I took baby steps, wiped out, fell flat on my face, cried out in agony once again, as learning to walk again was unbearable, and was one of the biggest assaults on my heart, as that meant I was moving away from the tragedy, the loss of my son, all leading to me living without my precious son Seth Daniel. Steps that would break my heart, yet would strengthen my FAITH in HIM and for HIM, that as long as I remember where I once was to where I am now, somehow, someway HE would help me, and I would be able to overcome living in the aftermath, and begin to THRIVE once again in my life. Baby steps which lead me to the base of the mountain of TRUST where HE would ask of me once again, "TRUST ME DEAR HEART, TRUST ME AND KNOW THAT MY PLANS ARE SO GOOD FOR YOUR LIFE, AND TRUST ME THAT WHEN YOU HURT, I AM THERE, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AND ONE DAY ALL WILL BE REVEALED TO YOU. TRUST ME DEAR HEART." Baby steps up the mountain of TRUST for HIM, that even though I am now back in the land of the living, dealing with, and struggling through life's mundane stupid problems, (things that don't really matter, yet to me they do, because I am human) HE is there, and when I look hard enough, seek HIM, and HIS will, ask for HIS vision, I will SEE the cake and roses that are waiting for me to enjoy.
All of this my dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS is HIS JOY in Heartache that is of my life. Today my dear friends, I pray that if you too are struggling with immense sadness, sorrow, agony, anguish, and pain, I pray that you will be able to seek HIM to ask for HIS peace,and that you will be so flooded with HIS peace, that for one moment the assaults on your own weary, achy, shattered hearts will cease. I pray today that my story, as HIS living testament will be that though right now your life's problems seem insurmountable, unimaginable, and unfathomable, I pray that you will know that HE is working everything out for your good. I also wanted to say that I in no way am saying that missing my son has gotten any easier, it will NEVER be easier, I'm just learning to live with this excruciating pain. I am learning to manage through the struggles life brings, and the struggle that I face daily in seeking HIM to help me be honoring in my grief. I pray that you will understand that even though we have HIM, it doesn't make us exempt from the pain, however because of how much HE loves us, HE will gives us what we need to get through to the next moment. I pray that today is the start of your baby steps, that HE will lead you back to your feet. And as always my sweet friends, please know that loss is loss, and no one can tell you how to grieve, so grieve dear ones, grieve, trust and know, that one day HIS promise will be TRUE for our lives that there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more pain.
Always with so much, love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,