Wednesday, January 25, 2017
when I don't understand........
For the past few weeks I've struggled with coming to terms that my broken heart has always been a part of HIS plan. I've struggled to understand how HE has stayed true to HIS promises to me. I've struggled to SEE HIS goodness in the aftermath of our shattered lives. I've struggled to accept that this relentless ache that I feel is something I will live with for the rest of my life. I've struggled with the truth that my son, my sweet little Seth is gone. I've tried so hard to accept that he is in HEAVEN, but the truth is..... I just don't understand. I'll never understand, and not being able to understand has left me so full of things left unsaid, that I want so much to tell my son, to experience with him, and each time another reminder of losing him hits me, it leaves me breathless as I've survived yet another assault on my heart.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"He pulled away from them about a stone’s throw, knelt down, and prayed, “Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?” At once an angel from heaven was at his side, strengthening him. He prayed on all the harder. Sweat, wrung from him like drops of blood, poured off his face." Luke 22:42 The Message Bible
Last week was full of assaults on my broken weary heart. Leaving me so worn out, that I was bedridden at the beginning of this week. Everywhere I went I was bombarded with constant reminders of what I've lost, and will never have again. I struggled to swallow my tears, to keep things in perspective. To seek JOY, to BE full of HIS HOPE. So much I exhausted myself, and by the end of the week I had come completely undone. In coming undone, I was devastated, and upset with myself as to why couldn't I just get a grip......why couldn't I just accept. A thought that seems so absurd, but let me tell you when you go through your heart being shattered, and then survive continual assaults on your heart, it leaves you breathless, and begging for relief.
Surviving finding Seth.... surviving the traumatic events of that day..... surviving being told "I'm so sorry we did everything we could to save your son." Those words... forever tear right through my weary achy heart. Surviving the few moments we were given to see our son for the final time before leaving him with strangers. Surviving kissing his sweet little hands, and rubbing his cute little chubby feet. One last glance, one more kiss, one more, oh Sethie, please please please come back. Surviving walking out of that room forever changed. Surviving the deafening silent ride home, to where we would have to tell Seth's siblings, his 3 other mama's and big bruver Ikik..... the moment I stepped out of our truck, seeing the front steps of our home, Surviving our oldest saying, "Seth oh Mama please please please NOOOOOoooooooo... her voice breaking, as her heart shattered right before me. Surviving collapsing into my mother in laws arms...... tears of hellish anguish and agony poured from my eyes, my heart, my everything, "my baby oh GOD my baby..... not my baby.... my Sethie...." Surviving each moment we opened the door to our home to let someone in who had been HEAVEN sent to be with us in those unfathomable moments. Surviving calling my best friend to tell her my son died..... to her responding... "what? wait..... what... what.......?" Surviving climbing the stairs to our home, making the long walk down our hallway.... one that was full of panic, and tragedy, just 8 hours before. Surviving our first night without Seth............I remember looking out our window all night long, staring at the streetlight, wondering GOD where in the HELL are you? I just don't understand..... why.... how..... OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD..... the tears pouring from my soul, crying with the deepest groans of pure anguish I've ever known. Surviving.... that is what I have been doing since the worst day of my life that began at 4pm on Monday October 13, 2014.
As I sit here typing that all out, it hits me all over again just how much I haven't thought about that day. Mostly in fear of the emotions that will erupt from me, fearful that I will start crying again.... that endless, relentless agony so full of sorrow, that I will find myself deep in the ocean of pain, sorrow, and anguish. Fearful that I won't be able to stop crying, and that I will be stuck again. Avoidance of my grief, is something I've "tried" to do, but it never fails as the harder I "try" to swallow the emotions building within me, I fall apart. I fall apart no matter where I am, mostly I fall apart in my car, at stoplights. I cry so much at stoplights that I began to pray, "LORD please, let me get through this drive without crying." Last night I pray that very prayer, and foolishly I "thought" I was actually going to make it through one drive without crying, that is until...... a song came on that I had never heard before.....and it wrecked me. Left me sobbing, breathless, and completely at the end of myself, and I fell hard into HIS arms.
Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott spoke deep into my heart, a promise, a message that I needed to remember in this journey of oceans, shores, cliffs, and mountains.
"I'm so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear... So I followed through, somehow I ended up here..... I don't wanna think, I may never understand..... that my broken heart is a part of your plan.... when I try to pray, all I've got is hurt, and these four words..... THY WILL BE DONE, THY WILL BE DONE, THY WILL BE DONE."
This song speaks the words that I've struggled with so much, and what HE is wanting me to remember, HIS promises to me, and all I need to remember as I'm struggling when I don't understand.
HE is reminding me that HE hears my cries, HE SEES my tears cover my face, as each memory streams from my eyes. HE knows the betrayal that I feel from HIM asking so big of me, to let go, let go of Seth.... HIS son, HIS child that HE entrusted to me for such a short time, but then.... called him home. Oh how I struggle to understand how..... why that would be a part of HIS plan. I've struggled immensely with accepting and embracing, and HE is letting me know that HE knew I would , and that HE has a plan, and it's good, and one day I will understand, but for now, right now in this very moment where the river of pain runs so deep into my soul, HE is wanting me to remember, soak in, meditate on, and press deep into that I need NOT to lean on my own understanding of how, or why, or when, but rather TRUST HIM, and know that HE will reveal what I need to know in HIS timing, as HE is SOVEREIGN.
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I've struggled with knowing HIS word, and then falling flat on my face as I "try" and live it with this unimaginable heartbreak. HE is telling me that HE SEES me and hears me, and HE knows my heart. HE knows that whenever I hear someone say, "oh GOD needed him more....." oh how those words make my blood boil, as it is the most absurd thing anyone could say to a grieving Mama. HE knows how much in my own tiny, human understanding I "think" that there is no better place for Seth to be than with his Mama, but because HE is SOVEREIGN, HE knew more, knows more, and loves both Seth and I more than I can even fathom or even begin to understand.
HE is wanting me to know that HE is right there in the middle of my cries as I "try" so hard to understand why I must endure more assaults on my weary, broken heart. Why it is that this world doesn't SEE me, SEE the pain I'm in, like didn't they know, "Seth Daniel Foote age 1 year died on October 13, 2014 and his mama Heather Foote age 36 found him lifeless, and in those moments that she realized her son was lifeless, as she placed her hands on his chest and knew he was gone, that when she realized his heart had stopped beating, the very first assault on hers would begin. Seth's heart had stopped beating, and Heather's kept on beating, but in a foreign way that she would forever struggle to understand how or why." All of those thoughts leave me, full of immense sorrow, pain, and pressure to BE how the world tells me to be.... to get over, get through, move on..... all the assaults on my heart.... how is it LORD that people don't SEE.... oh how I don't understand.
I am slowly making my way through my 38th year, and soon will be 39, and all I can think is.... 3 years...... 3 long, agonizing years of assaults, on my weary achy heart, as I try as I might, I still fall apart, don't understand, and feel like a HUGE burden to those who love me, and who have been there for me. HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much of a burden I feel like to those around me, and wants me to know that HE is still doing a good work in me, and it's okay to fall apart, it's okay to cry, it's okay to not understand, as it keeps me falling deep into HIS arms, as I sob deep into HIS chest. HE is letting me know that in the moments that I am soaring through life, HE is there, and HE is beaming with pride, as all HE wants is for me to feel loved, wanted, and cherished. HE is reminding me of those moments, so when the darkness tries to hide HIM from me, I will be able to see HIS light, a glimmer of HOPE that though deep sorrow is being felt once again, HE is there, HE is making a way, a path for me to walk, and HE goes before me and knows what I will face next.
HE is telling me that when I don't understand HE is there to fill me with HIS peace as HE works in me and through me, through my struggles so that in HIS timing I will be able to understand. Until then, all HE asks of me is to remember THY WILL BE DONE.
My Dear Brothers, and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray right now if your heart is aching, and you can't SEE past the pain, I pray that you will know that HE hears you, and HE is there for you, waiting for you to fall deep into HIS arms, and sob deeply into HIS chest, even if not falling into HIS arms, but rather screaming at HIM, asking HIM why, and where the hell are you? Do it, HE can take it, HE's bigger than the pain that your feeling, and wants to soothe your weary achy hearts with HIS endless peace, amazing grace, and unfailing, unconditional love. I pray that you will SEE my story, my life, as HIS living testament that it is possible to BE HIS follower, and still struggle with doubts, question HIM, scream at HIM and struggle trust in HIM, and live boldly for HIM. I pray that you will SEE throughout my blog that I am a work in progress because HE loves me, and HE loves me enough that HE gives me enough courage to write about the tragedies and triumphs I've experienced in my life. I pray right now that if you are feeling lost, lonely, broken, or a heavy burden to those around you, I pray that you will feel HIS arms wrapped tightly around you, and that you will be flooded with HIS peace, as HE drenches you in HIS grace.
always my sweet friends, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,