eclipsed....

If ever I begin to wonder whether or not HE's still working in me and through me, behind the scenes where I can't see, writing, walking through my future before I even get there, HE always shows up in the biggest way.  What seemed like a normal conversation with my brother yesterday, found me this morning searching for answers, and for HIM showing up, meeting me right where I was in letting me know exactly what my heart has been wrestling with.

I should know by now that though I think I'm just going to have a light hearted conversation full of laughter with my brother J, HE always shows up, and joins our conversation.  Never do we have a talk that doesn't include, prayer, struggles, and sharing WHO HE is with each other.  Telling our stories of what HE has done, is saying in that moment, and will do in our future our conversations are of us cheering each other on.  It's truly remarkable, as we didn't start off our life like that together. So much in fact that being close couldn't have been further from the truth of our childhood.

J and I are two years apart in age, and both of us equally have had our share of tragedies.  He has walked through some of the darkest hours of anyone I know, and he has been there for me as I have walked through mine.  He has found love, and has built a great life for himself, and most importantly he has found JESUS, and has been saved from this broken and fallen world.  HE has equipped J to be a part of the 5% in my life.  

Five percent in my life are the people who are able to say the things that are hardest for me to hear, but who love me, and know that HE only wants what is best for me, and will follow HIS lead and speak straight to my heart, which usually wrecks me in the most glorious of ways.  Though there are times where it takes me a while to receive what is being said to me, and when I finally do, I find myself feeling more loved, more wanted, and more cherished.

Yesterday was no exception in hearing what I needed to hear, but not necessarily what I wanted to.  I began to share with him about how I keep getting tripped up on the circumstances of my life.  I shared my struggles of losing sight of HIM, and when I do, I fall flat on my face, and usually make such a mess of things.  I was frustrated at my lack of focus, and that is when he said "HIS light is all around us, in the darkest places, even in the most deeply hidden of spaces, HIS light is SHINING, and HE is our LIGHTHOUSE, never can we ever go so far that we can't look up, look out, look back and SEE HIS LIGHT.  We get so wrapped in our lives, that we forget the Author, the Creator of our lives."  

Our conversation continued with me telling him how much I struggle telling my story.  As if though its just so full of tragedy, and that is when J said, " tragedy yes, but don't forget, TRIUMPH, your story is TRIUMPH over tragedy."  He went on to encourage me that it's not about the tragedy that makes my story, it's about how it's been only through HIM that I have survived, that I have TRIUMPHED.  We said our goodbyes, I love you's, and hung up, and then I pretty much laughed at the thought of me triumphing over anything as I only feel like a hott mess.

All night J's words echoed in my mind, and little did I know how HE would use J's words to speak straight to my heart this morning.  I only had my phone and my journal with me, as I typed in the google search bar.  What does the bible say about triumph?  There I would be led to an article written by a sister in CHRIST about how to awaken Trust, Truth and Triumph within.

"Why is it that the slightest crisis can so easily eclipse our heart?"  There it is right there, man those words resonated with me, this is what my struggle is.  So many times I wake up, ready to face the day, to walk the day with HIM, and then BAM!  Crisis enters our home in the form of sibling rivalry, disrespect, and sometimes just plain crabbiness.  Whatever it is, it distracts me, and before I know it my heart, and my mind become eclipsed by my circumstances.

Not really sure what that statement even meant, I began to seek HIM to SEE what HIS word says about that as I would soon find out that having my heart and mind eclipsed means to lost sight of HIS light shining all around me.  This morning HE has led me a journey of what happens to me when I allow my circumstances to overshadow HIS light.

This very thought breaks my heart, as that is the furthest thing I want to happen, as I know that without HIM I wouldn't have survived any of my darkest hours without HIM.  That even when I didn't yet know HIM, HE was there working on my behalf.  Writing the most beautiful story of Salvation, Redemption, and Rescue in capturing my heart.  My story of HIS unfailing love encompassing me in HIS unending grace, renewing, refining, restoring, and rebuilding my TRUST in HIM, and CONFIDENCE in WHO HE IS, so that I will remain CONFIDENT in WHO I am, as I now know, and have experienced WHOSE I am.

This morning HE is taking me into HIS word, showing me the scripture that HE rooted so deeply in my heart, so that in times where I lose sight of HIM, I can remember and know WHO HE IS, and what that means for me, for my life, my story, that HE is bigger than my circumstances, and with HIM and through HIM, even when I find myself eclipsed all I have to do is cry out to HIM, look and SEE that HE is there with me, and HIS light will SHINE on me, in me, and through me to continue on my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HE is letting me know that I struggle so much with HIS word, and fully trusting HIS word, because in my humanness I fail, and sometimes refuse to fully render all of my HOPE and TRUST in HIM, and for HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows, and wants me to realize and ask myself this question, do I trust HIS pace, HIS process, HIS timing?

YIKES!!!  Wow, do I wish I could say YESSSS without any doubt, worry, or fear, but then that would mean that I don't need HIM, and well because I so desperately do, I won't lie to myself and say yes, rather I will pray, "LORD JESUS help me to fully render all of my TRUST and HOPE in YOU."

I have to be honest that it's been almost seven hours since I wrote that last part.  As soon as I typed that, prayed that, HE led me straight into HIS word, HIS heart to SEE what HE was really asking of me.  

"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart  you, God, will not despise." Psalm 51:17

For the first time in six years I found myself struggling to what HIS word was saying, so I decided to google it to see what someone else's take was on it.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to learn.  HE is wanting me to know that when I sin.... it breaks HIS heart.  HE is telling me that HE knows I'm sorry for when I sin, yet instead of rendering my heart completely, I keep strong with the flesh in making excuses as to why I've sinned.  HE has revealed to me that even though I "think" I'm really sorry, I haven't had my heart broken from my sins.  HIS word today is teaching me that until I am heartbroken over what breaks HIS I won't be able to fully put my TRUST in HIM, as in keeping myself from surrendering fully to HIM, I won't be giving HIM my whole heart.

Just knowing that makes me cry inside as I so do want what HE wants, but there's just one teeny tiny problem.... I am soooooo human.  Thankfully as I have learned HE is so full of mercy, grace, and love.  I feel today as if though I need to be telling myself, "Fasten your seat belt Heather, this is going to be one wild ride."

I so desperately want to TRUST HIM, yet I keep falling into the same trap of losing sight of HIM, as I get too comfortable in my life, living as though my only purpose is to be a mom and wife.  I become eclipsed by my wants and needs, and my families wants and needs.  My daily routine of laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping,watching tv, all distract me, and in those distractions come even more things to distract me, and drag me even further away from HIM, and HIS calling for my life.  

If I really stop to think about what I waste time thinking about, doing, and talking about, sheesh..... I'm embarassed.  All of it leaves me feeling so low, as I NEED HIM, yet I waste every gifted minute I am given with HIM.  Okay so not every minute, yet since this New Year I've vowed to seek more of HIM, so there will be so much more of HIM and so much less of me.... oh and did I mention I'm a slooooooow learner?  

I often wonder what HE must think of me as HE SEES me become eclipsed and SEES me fall hard on my face, and watches me try to fix things my way, and become frustrated and cry out, "why LORD, why have you forsaken me?"  To which HE reaches down, picks me up up and dries my hott mess face, and lets me know it's not that HE's gone anywhere, I've just allowed myself to become eclipsed.

HE is teaching me this morning, that HE knows how much I struggle, but that HE doesn't want me to focus on the struggle, rather focus on what HE is telling me, and doing what HE wants me to do.  HE is wanting me to know that when I seek HIM, HE is more than ready to teach, lead, and guide me in my journey so that I will then be able to experience the GLORY of HIS presence.  HE is telling me that HE knows what I need for each step I'm going to take, even when it's something that catches me off guard, HE is NEVER caught off guard.

"Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

HE is once again reminding me of a song that I often sing while doing my daily routine as a mom and wife, so that I don't get caught up in anger that I'm doing the same thing over and over each day.  HE is wanting me to know that it's not because HE wants to punish me by playing that song in my heart, it's because HE wants me to learn it, and wants me to understand how imperative it is that the song will become the cry of my heart.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,  and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

"Create in me a clean heart O GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Create in me a clean heart O GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from THY presence O LORD, Take not THY HOLY SPIRIT from me.  Restore unto me the JOY of THY salvation, and renew a right spirit within me." 

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  friends it is my prayer that my story is an encouragement to you that no matter what you may be facing today, that you will know that you are never alone.  I pray that whatever you are facing today, that you will seek HIM and rend your heart to HIM, and allow HIM to work in you and through you.... even if it hurts, as in my experience of being HIS daughter is that when it hurts, is where HIS love needs to soothe that hurt, that ache.  I pray that if you are feeling like a hott mess, then pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee and breathe as you are in great company.  I pray that you know that if ever there is a way I can pray for you, or you are in a need a friend, know that you can always email me, or comment and I'd be honored to communicate with you. I pray today that if you find yourself eclipsed I pray that you will come to know the HIS mercies are new every morning, and HIS grace is sufficient, and when you are ready HIS light will be shining bright for you, all you need to do is look up and SEE.

 Always my dear ones, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather