If you have been following my blog since the loss of my son, you will know the significance of the song "Cornerstone" and what it means to me. If you haven't it is the song that I sang in our truck on the drive home to tell Seth's siblings that he was now with JESUS. It was 8pm, and D was driving, the truck was eerily silent, and all I could do was sing, and the first song that came to mind was "Cornerstone." "My hope is built on nothing less, than JESUS blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly trust in JESUS name. CHRIST alone Cornerstone, the weak made strong in the Savior's love. Through the storm HE is LORD, LORD of all."
Nothing could have prepared me for the storm that we were driving into, and just how long the storm would last. As the weeks unfolded, the shock and horror of that fateful day were like daggers to my raw shattered heart. As the months passed, the wound still raw started to heal for a few moments at a time. I went from crying every hour, to every two hours, to the day where I went a full six hours without crying. Then crying because I made it six hours without crying, and it felt like I was leaving my little boy behind. Then as the months turned into years, I found myself walking into the third year without Seth. The raw wound had finally healed, but just beneath the surface lay all of my sorrow, hurt, and pain that I must live the rest of my life here on earth without my son.
Three years ago I began to cry tears of agony, which led to tears of anger, and onto tears of sorrow, leading to tears of memories, and now I have reached a new level of tears and those are tears of reverence. Last Friday night during worship we sang "Cornerstone" and instead of crying from tears of memories of the worst day of my life, I cried tears in knowing that the words of the song were TRUTHFUL TRUTH FILLED, as they are so very TRUE for my life. I cried because in thinking about just how far I have come in healing and recovery I know it is ONLY because of HIM. I cry because of HIS unconditional love for me.
I remember crying when the next phase of healing came in the form of medication, and just how betrayed and angry I felt that it wasn't enough to lose my son, deal with his loss, and the utter devastation that my family had gone through. The living nightmare that was our daily reality, the harsh words, the criticism, the frustration that I wasn't better, had accepted yet, hadn't moved on, hadn't chosen JOY and happiness. I was angry, frustrated, and pretty much hated everyone and everything. I remember crying when people would call me out on my anger, as if though I had offended them personally, which was never my intention you see when you live in darkness like I have, living in the deepest ocean of grief and sorrow you don't really care how anyone else feels, or single anyone out. Any and all people who smile, have happy moments you find yourself hating them, jealous of them. It wasn't as if though I chose to hate people individually, rather I hated everyone equally. Nothing personal, other than my pain, which to me was so devastatingly personal, and couldn't talk about it well, or explain it well, which left me feeling frustrated, angry, bitter, and alone.
For months the anger was so deep within, that is until I was completely exhausted from hating everything and everyone, being angry, and bitter, the jealousy was wrecking any semblance of peace that I so desperately needed. Finally I cried out to HIM to please take away all of this anger that was destroying me, and fill me with HIS peace to endure, to heal, to recover, and please ask HIM to please show me the way and the steps that I needed to take in order to move forward in my life.
It most certainly wasn't easy, in fact in ways it was more difficult, as in weaning off my medication was proved to me the most challenging thing I faced. As the medication masked my feelings, didn't allow me to feel the magnitude of everything that was going on around me. Stepping back into my role as Mama and wife proved to be overwhelmingly challenging, as so much had happened and transpired in my three years of basically being checked out of being in a daily routine as Mama and wife. Slowly though, through HIS loving SOVEREIGN hand HE led me through the steps that I needed to take to heal, and recover, and before I knew it I finally felt well enough to stand at my kitchen sink and do my first load of dishes for the first time since before Seth died.
Washing dishes was only the beginning. Next came laundry, and that was a daunting task, and overwhelmed me as I wondered how in the world I ever managed it before. Finally with the help of my loving husband, I learned how to manage that, as we still tag team it today. Next came make a grocery list, learning to cook again, how to multi-task in the kitchen was incredibly difficult, as my mind was still learning to process during pressure situations. I say pressure as the kids are hungry, and demanding, and whew, praise JESUS for HIS grace. One of the hardest things I had to relearn in cooking was chopping and prepping, as I hadn't realized just how much I had forgotten how to do.
It shouldn't have been such a surprise to me, as when I went to drive shortly after Seth died, I had to relearn how to drive my truck. So in dealing with PTSD I have learned to give myself grace in relearning things that I once knew, and being thankful that just because I did something someway before, didn't mean that I couldn't do things differently. So much in fact that when I look at myself now, I'm NOTHING like who I was then. From the way I wear my hair, my makeup, my clothes, my writings, my prayers, and my tears. Though I still cry tears of sorrow, and memories, most of my tears today are tears of reverence.
I cry not because of how different my life is, rather I cry because of WHO HE IS, and WHAT HE HAS DONE for me in this journey of loss. I cry because HE is sharpening my mind to do what HE has called me to do, and for the fact that HIS unfailing love is giving me the strength to continue on to persevere through each new test, trial, and storm that I face. I cry because I know that even though I am facing challenges, I know that HE is with me every single step of the way. I cry because even when my world is spiraling out of control in my mind, I know that HE is SOVEREIGN and is in control, and all I have to do is lean into HIM, and press into HIM for courage and strength and wait on HIS perfect timing.
Today my tears are of thankfulness for HIM allowing me to remember my sweet Seth Daniel in my dreams. For the past two days and I've had dreams about Seth as a tiny baby. Dreams of which have both awoken memories that have been kept lovingly by HIM until I was ready to remember. Today I am so grateful for my LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER WHO knows whats best for me, and WHO'S light is shining on me, in me, and through me to share of all of HIS goodness and what HE has done for me.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray today that you will know that if your heart is breaking, that you will know HE is with you. HE is holding you, and waiting for you to cry out to HIM. I pray that you will find yourself someday on your journey crying tears of reverence as you are able to look back an see how far HIS love has brought you.
Always my sweet friends, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
~ Heather
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