Telling my story is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. So much in fact no matter how many times I tell it, it doesn't get any easier. What I mean is each time I tell my story, though I am thankful for HIS mercies being new each morning, and HIS unfailing love relentlessly pursuing me, a fear that strikes my heart each time is this, what if... what if the worst thing were to happen to me again, what if once again I will become a victim, continue to be a victim, and what if I will always fear victimization?
This thought came to me this past week while at a friends house. It was 7pm and I was on my way to get groceries, and realized that I also needed to fill my cars gas tank. I was going to be alone, and suddenly I dreaded not grabbing one of my kids to run this quick errand with me. Dread consumed me, as I knew that I wouldn't make it there and home without putting gas in my car. Simple task, yet it held such tremendous fear. Fear of being alone at night, vulnerable in the dark, what if LORD, what if the next horrible thing lurked in the shadows for me?
Fear was rising up in my throat as I began to pray and ask for strength, protection, and vision to SEE beyond what I could SEE with my own eyes. I prayed that I would have the courage to do this seemingly simple task as I made my way to the gas station. I'm happy to report that nothing even remotely exciting, terrifying, or the like happened at all, as I successfully put a full tanks worth of gas in my car. What did happen though was HE poured strength into me to stand tall, and not fear the night, as HE assured me that HE was with me. When I got out of my car the fear was so overwhelming for me that I even contemplated only putting in five dollars worth. Thankfully with HIS strength also came HIS wisdom that if I was going to face this fear of the dark, the unknown, I needed to face it all the way, and complete the task to the fullest.
This is just one of the examples of fear that rules over my life. Fear that the enemy has kept me trapped in, Fear that has knocked me down and out, and has kept me from getting back up again for quite a while. Fear that has kept me silent, afraid to speak, afraid to move, as if somehow that would start a chain reaction to bad things happening in my life again.
Today while sitting in church I felt HIM say to me, "I am with you always" it was as if though HE was reminding me that I didn't need to fear, as no matter where I go in my life, no matter what trials, tests, and storms I may face, no matter the cliffs, the oceans that I encounter, the darkness that threatens to consume me, all of what I face is NEVER without HIM.
HIS Daily Teachings today has been HIS Blessed Assurance that I am NO longer a slave to the fear of victimization. HE has lovingly reminded me through songs of worship that I am HIS child, and that even if, or when bad things happen, I'm NEVER alone, nothing that I face will ever be without HIM. HE is wanting me to know that even though I am weary from grief, HE is promising that HE will always be there for me, HE knows how tired I am, and how I wish so badly in my own human understanding that I could conquer grief, today HE has let me know why thats not really what I need, rather I need to press in and press through to HIM and allow HIM to work in me and through me, through my grief, to reach the last, the least, and the lost.
HIS loving reminder today to me is this, though I will never conquer grief in this life, I wouldn't want to, as if were to accomplish that, then I wouldn't need HIM, and since I know that this is HIS purpose for my life, to SHINE HIS light as a Survivor on the SHORE for the brokenhearted, I know that I the only way to reach people in the darkness, is by letting HIM teach, lead, and guide me to BE HIS LIGHT, and in knowing that I know that I will NEVER be just a victim, rather I will be SURVIVOR, and when my time on earth here is through, I WILL BE MORE THAN A CONQUEROR, and WOW what a GLORIOUS DAY that will be!!!
While worshiping today tears welled up in my eyes, but never fell. The more I sang the more tears welled up, and I realized that the reason why I wasn't crying is because my emotions weren't of sadness, rather of TRUE JOY, as I have survived, HIS mercies have been made new each morning for me, and HIS grace, HIS love, HIS joy, HIS peace, have all carried me through my darkest hours, and have led me safely to the distant shores, shores of the shipwrecked, the shattered, the brokenhearted. The souls who live with heartache, who live one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and though each of us find ourselves pulled back into the ocean by waves of grief, HE is there, always bringing us safely to shore.
My time spent in the ocean has taught me about WHO HE IS, and WHO I am, and has sustained me with HIS promises for HOPE and a future, of which I have clung to in the times where the fear that had a vice grip on my heart almost won. Yet no matter how strong the fear was HIS love, HIS perfect, unfailing, relentless love pursued me, captured me, and rescued me. With each step of total dependence I took with HIM, HE led me even further into the ocean that is without borders.
Today HE is wanting me to know that fear of abandonment is very real in my heart, and though I don't really speak of it, HE knows and HE want me to live with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE is with me, and there will NEVER be a single moment of my life that I will be without HIM. HE is telling me that I need to let go of fear, and worry for today, tomorrow, as to whether or not HE will provide, as HE's already been through today, and HE has walked through my tomorrows. HE is reminding me that my life has already been written, on purpose, for HIS purpose, all for my good, and all I have to do is surrender, seek HIM, and and TRUST HIM that HE has amazing plans for my life.
This all seems pretty easy, however I am so human, and in my tiny human brain and understanding, I worry, I fret, I fear, I covet, I want, I need, I.... gosh I'm completely self centered when it comes to me, I want new clothes, the food I want, the makeup I want, the stuff I want, me.... me..... me..... I cringe writing that all out. Thankfully HE created me, and knows how self centered and focused I am, and is letting me know that HE has a plan, but it will take sacrifice from me, sacrificing my incessant wants, and allowing HIM to provide for my every need.
I know this, I've lived it from time to time, yet foolishly I forget WHO HE is, and forget that I can't buy happiness, stuff won't fulfill me, won't fill this void that grief has created, and all it really does in knock me off the path that HE is leading me on, and each time I find myself lost, I have to start all over again and learn to focus on HIM, and letting go of me, myself, and I.
My greatest stronghold is stuff, as that is how I have grieved the loss of my son. Not just stuff for me, but stuff for those I love, those who are hurting right along with me. Though I am getting better about praying about the desires of my heart, I am still struggling with trusting HIM completely and in knowing that HE led me straight to hear a message of HIS word to tell me, HE knows, HE'S with me always, and even though I think I am, I feel I am, I am NEVER without HIM.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34
Today my Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that if you find yourself in need, I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM fulfill your needs, that are designed specifically on purpose for you. I pray that you will have the courage to let go of doing things your way, and allow HIM to teach lead and guide you on the path that HE has chosen for you. I pray that if you are struggling in the darkness, I pray that even though you may feel alone, I pray that HE will cover you in HIS presence, and all you will experience is relentless, unfailing love, so that you will be able to SHUT OUT, SHUT UP, and SHUT DOWN, the lies of the enemy who's sole purpose is for you to feel abandoned. I pray that you will come to know JESUS as I know HIM, and know that when you accept HIM in your heart as your LORD and SAVIOR that you will experience more love, more peace, more grace, and even more mercy that will help you work through the trials, tests, and storms of your life. I pray that you will be encompassed by HIS peace, and that you can begin your journey of joyful dependence.
Always my dear friends, with so much love compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
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