Lying face down on my bathroom floor, the text had been sent, my faith was hanging on by a thread... life was too hard.... it hurt way too much.... did anyone really care.... was HE really going to rescue me? Where was GOD in all of this? How is it that I survived all that I did, and now here I am drowning in overwhelming sorrow, pain, and tears? Was HE really working things out for my good, because JESUS if YOU don't come soon, I'm done.... I'm giving up..... not on life.... but living.... I won't give up my life.... I won't take it.... I'm already dead inside..... I'm shattered... I've tried.... I'm trying desperately to hang on..... when LORD when will YOU rescue me?
The tile on my bathroom floor was cold as I felt the warm salty tears pooling around my face. My makeup was running onto the floor, as I heard the soft buzzing of my phone. A call that would come just in time.... the rescue that I had so desperately needed. HIS promises, HIS love was proclaimed for me.... HE met me right where I was in my time of need.... HE stepped in through HIS living vessel my Sister in Christ N. She boldly proclaimed HIS promises for my life, my families life, and listened as I poured my heart out to her. She prayed a bold audacious prayer over me, for me, and it was then I felt HIS living water begin to fill within me. HIS TRUTH, HIS PROMISE, HIS MERCY, HIS LOVE, HIS GRACE, and HIS overwhelming PEACE. My GOD, My ABBA, My GOD of MIRACLES stepped in, broke through, and rescued me.
I've already written a post about that breakthrough, but what I have to learn in my walk with HIM this morning is that the breakthrough wasn't really where the healing began. What I didn't realize was that in order to rescue me that day, HE had to break through, and pull me through the wall. The process of going through that hurt, and unbeknownst to me it would take more than me just surrendering to HIM to pull me through, I never stopped to think about the injuries that I incurred through HIS rescue.
Today HE has taken me back and shown me what my injuries were, and what keeps me from truly healing, and all that is stepping up, and trying to block me from stepping, from walking from TRUSTING HIM with my life. You see in my head I know WHO HE IS... I remember HE is the GOD of MIRACLES, but what I forget is though my FAITH is strong, my enemy works overtime to trip me up. Without even realizing it, I allow my self to be fear led. Without even realizing it, I put limits on HIM. Without even realizing it..... I doubt..... and when I doubt.... the enemy remains my stronghold.
Thankfully because HE loves me so deeply, HE led me straight to HIS word this morning that ENDS that very thought. "The LORD is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life -- whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1 Just when I need it, HE fills me with HIS word, to remind me, to lead me, to teach me, to guide me to SHINE HIS light on the lies of my enemy that have wreaked havoc, and have set up roadblocks to HIS TRUE HEALING.
Today HE is helping me realize that in tearing down the wall HE wants me to know that will require me to be broke open, so that HE can remove ALL that is NOT from HIM. However since I have been so unfathomably hurt by this world, HE is letting me know that HE's not going to just remove everything all at once, as with each removal comes pain.... healing.... and leaves a scar. All of which in my own human understanding I am not able to handle all of it at once.
Today is another step in my journey of learning just how merciful HE is. I know this because the agony I once lived through I no longer feel. This I know is because HE is merciful, HE is faithful, and HE has healed me from my time of agony. I realize this because though I can read my words from that time, I remember crying, and feeling so blown away I can't physically remember what it felt like, and to be honest I struggle to put into words how I felt. For this I am so unbelievably, and undeservedly grateful.
For the second week in a row I am listening to GOD of Miracles on repeat. Each day as the words play in my ears, the words sink even further into my heart, and HE takes me to a new level of what this song means for me. HE is letting me know that the wall is only the beginning of the miracle, the break through that HE has planned for me. HE is wanting me to understand that HE doesn't expect me to come to the other side of it healed and whole, as HE is always wanting me to understand what HE has done in me and through me, as its always the beginning of the next crucial step I am going to take.
It is no surprise to me that in my humanness I want healing to just be easy. After all living in pain, sorrow, agony, and suffering..... crying oceans of tears..... isn't that enough.... why does healing have to be painful as well? As I think back to this last wall that HE pulled me through and is now tearing down, I am beginning to understand my frustration of what now? I am understanding that even though I "think" I am ready, HE is letting me know I can't possibly be "ready" until I understand HIS good work that HE is doing in me and through me.
HE is letting me know that just because I'm on the other side, doesn't mean that it won't still be hard. HE is reminding me that being put through the fire to refine, renew, and restore me doesn't come without pain. HE is wanting me to let go of the notion that HE does all things for my good to mean HE does ALL things for my life to be "easy." HE is wanting me to know that HIS good for my life, is to make me more like HIM. What???? This is a concept that I struggle with because in my own understanding I think, "LORD haven't I done enough?" Then before I even finish that thought HE leads me to the next thing that needs to be worked in me and through me, so it can be taken out of me.
Today during an argument with one of my children where words were said, feelings were leading, HE stepped in, and poured HIS loving reminder into me, that just as I have to be pulled through the wall so do my children, so does D, and so does everyone else in this world. In my brokenness this morning HE led me straight to HIS word, and all that I've been working on these past few weeks, that all I could think of was let faith arise.... NOTHINGS impossible..... HE is the GOD of MIRACLES.
HE IS THE GOD OF MIRACLES.... HE HAS BROKEN THROUGH WITH HIS SUPERNATURAL LOVE MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT..... HE IS FAITHFUL.... HIS PROMISES ARE TRUE..... EVERY SINGLE WORD HE SAID IS TRUE.....
Today I am meditating on, and letting HIS word sink deep into my heart that HE is ALL of the words written above. Today I am overwhelmed by just how much HE loves me, that even though I see an argument as a roadblock, HE SEES as a teachable moment, to lead me, to guide me to reveal HIS truth about what is really going on inside me and the lives of every single person my eyes see. Today I am thankful that HE is giving me the precious gift of HIS WISDOM to SEE beyond what my eyes see. Today I am thankful that HE has created, and cultivated an immense desire to seek HIM so that I will live according to HIS will. Today I am grateful, and I am thankful that TRUE HEALING is happening in me and through me all because HE pulled me through the wall.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,
Friends, I pray that you know that I don't write because I have all the answers. Rather I go back and reread my own posts, because in my humanness I forget, and I too need to the constant reminder. I have had to learn that living for CHRIST is a daily, pursuit, desire, to seek to know, to grow in HIM all because I already know what HE has done for me so far, and I can't wait to SEE and experience what HE has written for the rest of my life. Friends I pray today that if you're hurting from something that you've been battling a long time, I pray that you will let go, and let HIM pull you through the wall so that you will begin your journey of TRUE healing.
Always dear ones, with so much love compassion and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
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