Before losing Seth, and waking up in a life after deep loss, I was oblivious of just how much someone who follows JESUS could actually suffer. Honestly, I "thought" since I was a CHRIST FOLLOWER, I was someway, somehow covered to not have to suffer as I did before I became a CHRIST FOLLOWER. As if following JESUS made me exempt to this type of suffering. The deep loss, earth shattering, life altering type of suffering. It's because I always knew life would be hard for me, that I would always struggle, and that I would face challenges. What I didn't know, and didn't realize until 4pm on October 13, 2014, was that life has a way of handing your butt to you, leveling you, and taking your breath away. That life could be so very brutal and cruel.
Suffering is a very sensitive topic for me, mostly because suffering, being forced to live a life without my son, has been the hardest thing I've ever been forced to do. Even worse than all the abuse, manipulation, and control that I endured as a young girl. I've learned that I need to be very careful as to not write words that will be flagged, as somehow sharing the truth of what happened to me is far too triggering for some.
For so long I struggled what I was supposed to do with my story of my life. That is until HE began to teach, lead, and guide me to know, to understand that my story is for few people, but my JESUS story is for everyone. For years I battled through even greater suffering the most unimaginable loss and through expectations people placed on me, that I took on as my responsibility crushed me and pushed me even further to isolate, shutting out everyone, and making the agreement to not only think, but to speak the very lie of "I hate everyone and everything." This is because I was in the worst pain I had ever known. I was praying, begging, and pleading for JESUS to please come back. I knew HE wouldn't wake me up from the living nightmare, so the only thing I could think to ask for was for us ALL to be called HOME, as the very thought of leaving my children here on earth crushed me.
Still, I was desperate for healing, for relief, for a reprieve. I struggled to be grateful for other families whose lives were still intact, people whom we were doing life with before child loss took over our life. Before irrevocable change stole our joy and shattered our whole world. Before tears became our food, and smiling was still so easy. Before laughter didn't feel like betrayal. Before going to church, being around the very people who were in the crisis with us hurt beyond what I could bear. I was overwhelmed by sorrow; my grief was all consuming. I was screaming on the inside and falling apart everywhere I went.
I still remember the years where I sat in the silence, numb to the once gaping now bound up hole in my heart, of which angered me that it was being bound up, as it felt like betrayal, as how absurd that I would possibly heal and move forward without my son. My mind was numb from the amount of processing I went through in remembering that day, having to wake each day reminding myself that Seth really was here, until he wasn't. That he really did die, and he really was in heaven with JESUS. Everyday falling apart in the acceptance, and falling to sleep with tears streaming, until exhaustion took over. I still remembering wondering when.... when would I be okay again.... when would I be able to breathe again?
Eventually after many oceans of my tears were collected, as HE knew, just how many oceans I would cry. HE knew just how much time I needed to grieve, to process what losing Seth did to me. What losing him did to my mind, and how long I would need to begin to have compassion for myself, instead of anger that I wasn't further in the healing process. HE knew how long I would question and wonder how in the world was I supposed to share my story, as it seemed too much, yet oddly not enough. As if I weren't far enough into healing, my tears poured out of my eyes, and HE would meet me with HIS amazing grace, to hold me, help me, and what I didn't realize then was just how much HE was healing me.
HE was my defender, my protector, my shield, my refuge, my strong tower, ALL of it, through ALL of it HIS grace was sufficient enough for me. Eventually my spiritual eyes were opened, and I began to SEE just how far HE brought me from that moment of 4pm on that dreary... worst day of my life in a seemingly ordinary fall day in October. HE was my living HOPE, the anchor that I clung to. HE was, and is my safe space, the ONE whose arms I lean back into HE was, is the ONE WHO wanted my heart, WHO held it in its fragility. Held me together as I fell apart over and over. HE'S the ONE who gave me the strength to learn how to walk again. HE was and is always my peace. HE was, is the ONE WHO steadfastly, faithfully remained with me, even when I was too tired and wanted to give up. HE held onto me, even when I was losing my grip to keep holding on. HE knew I needed HIM to carry me through the sorrow, and HE NEVER left my side.
HE knew eventually I would be able to look back on my journey in this life after deep loss through child loss and SEE HIS steady hand holding me every single step of the way. HE knew eventually I would seek HIM once again to write the story that HE is the AUTHOR of. HE knew I would be eager once again, that I would thirst for HIM, for HIS word. HE knew, and HE remained. My HOPE, My PEACE, My SAVIOR, My JESUS.
Precious Dear Ones,
HE knows how tired you are. HE hears every single one of your cries for help, HE knows what enduring this storm in your life is doing to you. HE knows how weak and tired you feel. HE knows what you need and is waiting for you to tell HIM you need HIM. That you will TRUST HIM to help you, to show you the way. HE knows how badly your heart is aching in the deep loss that you are living with. HE knows the strength you are needing. HE knows how your faith is dwindling. HE is there, and HE has amazing plans to restore your joy. To restore the years that the locusts have eaten. HE knows you don't SEE yet, but you will, keep holding onto HIM and HE promises that HE will keep holding onto you. HE has you, HE is making a way and doing a new thing in your life. You are so deeply loved by your ABBA, the ALMIGHTY GOD, you are HIS CHOSEN, HE has called you, set you apart for HIS purpose. HE knows how much you're trying to figure everything out, for everything to make sense. HE is with you; HE will help you. Will you let HIM in? Will you let HIM heal your broken heart? Will you let HIM prove HIS FAITHFULNESS, and TRUSTWORTHINESS to you, for you? Will you be willing to wait for your moment of eventually? Jermiah 29:11
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
As always, with deep compassion, empathy, kindness, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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