“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house as the sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.”
Everything and NOTHING LESS is HIS Daily Bread for me to consume today. HIS loving reminder to seek HIM with ALL my heart, and to TRUST HIS word that when I seek HIM, I WILL find HIM. HE is wanting me to know that it isn't just about me seeking HIM though, it's about WHY I am seeking HIM. This is the heart check: am I merely seeking to see what HE can do for me? Or am I seeking HIM with a WILLNG MIND, and OPEN HEART to serve HIM no matter the cost?
This very question brings me back to the morning of October 13, 2014, when I stood in my office with Seth in my arms and promised HIM, I would do ANYTHING HE asked of me... no matter what. Well, if you've been around for a while you know what happened not even 8 hours later. Even if enter my life, and the question of WILL you, Heather, TRUST ME? Do you believe that I AM, I WILL make a way? Honestly for the past almost 12 years I seriously questioned whether or not I could actually TRUST HIM, or if I would be willing to go ALL IN once again, or would fear, and torment keep me from saying yes to HIM?
This morning I was reminded of the many moments in the past almost 12 years where I struggled to worship, I struggled to hold my head up, as my HOPE was barely hanging on. As the song played this morning, "THE GREAT I AM," HE took me back to when that song was on repeat in my headphones. Remembering my prayers of, "Please JESUS help me, I hurt so bad, missing Seth hurts, living in this life after loss feels impossible. No one understands, or SEES me, I'm too much, and yet oddly not enough." My tears pooling as oceans at my feet, I cried to the end of my soul. The pain of grief, loss, and fighting through the hell on earth was unbearable. I didn't SEE a way then, still I clung to HIS PROMISES.
TRULY, I would have lost HOPE had I not SEEN HIS goodness in the land of the living here in this life after loss, Psalm 27:13. So much I wanted so badly to have my faith and confidence restored to TRUSTING HIM fully and completely, that my dedication to seeking HIM would be NOTHING LESS than ALL OF ME, than ALL IN, no matter what. Even if it meant... even if.
So much for the past 7.5 months HE has instilled in me a readiness to GO ALL IN, to give HIM EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS, even if it costs me my life. As Charlie Kirk said in one of his final interviews, "I'd want to be remembered for having courage for my Faith." That would be my answer as well. That I didn't give up when I was suffering, when I was being strengthened, when I was growing. That not even walking through the valley of the shadow of death could take me out. That not even having a front row seat of watching HIM call HIS son home, my Seth, my littlest boy, handing him back to HIS heavenly FATHER, TRUSTING HE would care for him, and then handing HIM my heart to heal it, to mend it, to transform it, to revive it.
This I know for certain; the enemy banked on me dying from my broken mama heart. He expected me to end my suffering on my own terms, BUT GOD, oh HE had much better plans. HE knew how long it would take to mend and heal my broken heart. HE knew the journey, and the steps I would take to seek HIM, to give HIM my WHOLE LIFE, and NOTHING LESS. HE knew HIS TRUTH that I would FIND because I began to SEEK HIM with a willing mind, to be renewed by HIS TRUTH and by settling for NOTHING LESS. HE knew the FREEDOM I would find, and the healing I would receive that would FREE the littlest most vulnerable, fragile, innocent parts of me. HE knew the transformative, and restorative work HE would do in my life. HE knew how I would come to the end of myself in stuffing myself for comfort and led me straight to the FREEDOM I so desperately needed. HE knew how scared I was to look to the future, let alone dream. HE gave me just enough strength to do the next right thing.
For over a year now HE has remained steadfastly FAITHFUL to teach, lead, and guide me to understand about consumption. Not only in food and drinks, but also in what my eyes SEE and my ears hear. HE has given me chance after chance to begin again. Each morning pouring out HIS mercy for me to experience, as I learn once again to go to HIM for comfort. HE knew why I was hurting when I felt unseen, unheard, unknown, forgotten, and abandoned. HE knew how badly I wanted HIM to write a message through my pain. Afterall, I couldn't have possibly gone through everything I had just to merely survive. HE knew the lie that had become my TRUTH, and HE knew the very moment I would break FREE from that lie! HE knew, and HE loved me through it ALL. HE met me right where I was didn't rush me, rather led me to HIS still waters, gave me rest in the greenest pastures, held out HIS hand and asked me if I was ready to TRUST HIM. HE didn't rush me, rather HE loved me, held me, and filled me with HIS STRENGTH, TRUTH, and PEACE. HE proved to me over and over that indeed HIS GRACE is more than SUFFICENT for me.
Precious Dear Ones,
HE did ALL of this for me, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you too!! HE is with you; HE is making a way through the wilderness. HE knows how much you are hurting, how tired and worn out you are. HE LOVES YOU and knows and HE has plan for you. The question that remains is will you seek HIM with a willing mind, and an open heart? Will you give HIM EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS? Will you go ALL in? Will you give HIM your broken heart and TRUST HIM to heal and mend it? Truly Dear Ones, I am LIVING PROOF that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted. May today be the day you say yes to TRUSTING HIM, to your healing, to your freedom. May you come to know HIM not only as your SAVIOR but allow HIM to BE the LORD of your life. May you BE transformed through the REFINING FIRE of HIS LOVE.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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